MazinEva!
by Adam Kadmon
Summary: I guess I'm calling this a parody, since crap isn't a selectable genre yet. Evangelion as a more traditional giant robot story. You'll be surprised. By how bad it is.
1. Round 1!

Adam "Your own personal trauma-sponge" Kadmon

Disclaimer: apologies to Gainax and anyone reading this. I don't own Evangelion.

Welcome to the winner of the 2007 Adam Kadmon Ice Cream Headache Fanfiction Contest. Runners-up include another fic inspired by a Radiohead song, "The Amazing Sounds of Orgy," and a romance story that explores the oft-ignored but painfully obvious sexual tension between Shinji and Fuyutsuki. The winner was selected by a complex and strenuous evaluation process of which one would be the easiest for me to write. So now, to you, my "beloved" readers, I present chapter one of what will hopefully be a one-chapter story. Let's go, MazinEva!!

Pre-note: there's gonna be a couple WTF moments. Just roll with it.

* * *

"I'm home… finally."

A strong and sure figure stood atop the hill line that bordered the city of Tokyo-3. Below him a sea of sunflowers peeked up at the heavens in the blossoming daylight. The fringes of the city were slowly coming alive, people waking from their peaceful slumbers and silent dreams. Lights peppered the predawn metropolis, giving it the illusion of thousands of eyes opening to view this figure's return.

He strode confidently down a small incline onto the city highway, a dazzling smile playing on his boyish features. His short brown hair ruffled in the early morning wind, just as the sun rose behind his back. His deep blue eyes sparkled with honesty and sincerity, as well as a tremendous hidden power.

"I'm home."

Inexplicably wearing a long red trench coat, with—what the hell?—a samurai sword strapped to his back, he prepared to whip out his sunglasses and look cool, in the way only wannabe badass morons with enough pathetic creator "I wish I was him" wish fulfillment can to keep losers distracted from their own dismally dead-end lives for as long as they watch the series.

But I digress.

"Finally."

So consumed with his return and soon-to-be reunion with his family, he never heard the commuter bus coming.

"Holy shit!"

The bus driver swerved to avoid the young man, but to no avail. He impacted the front fender and flew through the air, landing in a jumbled heap of limbs and organs and dumb clothes twenty feet away.

"Oh, God!" the driver wailed. "He's dead!" He began sobbing over the steering wheel as the passengers disembarked.

Ikari Shinji stepped off the bus, viewing the scene with utter horror.

"What a terrible way to come home," he said. He said a quick prayer for the deceased, and started down the hill to the city.

* * *

MazinEva! Round 1!

Getting Off To A Bad Start

Or

Return of the Eternal Effigy, Ikari Shinji

* * *

Meanwhile, in a shadowy and therefore evil lair…

"The time is nigh," the first black monolith boomed. Around it, forming a circle, others fazed into existence, numbered two through twelve.

"Yea, repent and be humble," number Five spoke.

"The end of this disgusting world of vice and sin will soon be upon us," Three said.

"And the Endtime will come, heralding in mankind's true evolution," One uttered. "Prepare, brothers and sisters. Or, at least I assume sisters and brothers. I mean, honestly, have we ever seen the entirety of this little club outside of these dumb monolith thingies? For all I know, Eleven could be a third grader or something. A really smart, articulate, evil third grader, but one nonetheless. Well, does it truly matter? I guess not. But I would like to know. But does anyone ever listen to me? Oh, no, of course not. I'm only number freaking one, your supposed leader and moderator. I mean, come on. Who started this ancient secret society of crazy people who want to destroy the world? Me, that's who, you ungrateful sons of bitches. Or daughters of bitches. Like I know. Assholes."

"Our time of ascension is close," Eleven spoke. "Our time when we will walk with God once again. Since we figured out last week that God does indeed have feet. And where is the instrument of our salvation?"

A harsh white light illuminated the center of the circle, and a lone form stepped into it.

"You are our greatest hope, the culmination of our scientific knowledge and… hope. You will herald the End and scour this world of these arrogant humans. Uh, I mean those arrogant humans. The ones outside of this poorly lit, ill-defined chamber. Ahem." One seemed to swell and expand. Which it did, by manipulating the holographic display in a pathetic attempt to look important. "You are our greatest hope, which I already said but I want to use dramatic repetition to give the original statement more importance, Zero!"

The form in the circle bowed, awaiting the order to destroy mankind.

"Zero!" Five spoke. "Receive your chariot and obliterate our enemies! Which isn't actually a chariot because you would totally get your ass kicked in one!"

The floor slid apart and a giant humanoid orange machine rose in a completely unnecessary billow of smoke. Its single eye glowed, again, unnecessarily.

"Go forth, Zero! Make those fools pay with the blood of the guilty! Because they are guilty, and we assume they have blood, which they will pay us! The currency of the future is blood!"

The orange monster lowered its hand, received its master, and raised it high above the floor, to the top of its head. A half-buried sphere sitting atop its crown opened and allowed access to its pilot. It snapped closed and hummed to full life.

"Yes! Go, Zero, and… you know… kill people… and… blow stuff up." A cough. "Yea, go and spread death and destruction!"

The orange machine's back distended and grew, before two long feathery wings sprouted out. It took to the air and grasped a long lance, then flew through a hole in the ceiling, hundreds of yards above.

"It has begun," One said, pleasure evident in his voice. "Verily, it has begun."

An awkward pause.

"Ah, what time is it? Uh… wow. One forty-seven already. Huh. Time flies, doesn't it. Well, let's break for a late lunch. I'll catch up later. I gotta get my spine's oil changed and look at naked boys in tubes. We'll reconvene at three to go over the new dental plan and Apocalypse insurance. _And_ to discuss Eight's blatant disregard for our appropriate icon rules. A pair of inverted breasts may look like an 8, but it is simply not acceptable. We have children in here on a regular basis. Not only that but— hey. Hey, Nine, no. No. A floppy penis that kind of resembles a 9 is not cool, alright? That is not cool. Just, just, no. You know what? Screw it. We're shutting down. I have administrative privilege, and I am shutting this down right now. So grow up, act your ages, and— damn it Three! Get those ass cheeks off of there this instant! Christ, I'm surrounded by children. Yeah, just, just screw it. We're done. We're done."

* * *

"Welcome to the super scientific city of Tokyo-3!"

Shinji looked at the strangely dressed woman on the pay telephone's touch screen monitor who seemed to be waiting just for him. Why exactly a diminutive catgirl in a skimpy maid uniform displayed on an LCD screen would be waiting for him escaped his impressive logic skills. Well, impressive compared to the rest of the cast, as you shall soon find out. Still, Shinji couldn't help but think the way her tail morphed into an electrical cord was cute, albeit in an anthropomorphic, completely inappropriate way. The sprite smiled and waved, attempting to make him feel at home by offering a healthy view of her digital cleavage.

Things had changed since he'd been away.

"Need to make a call? Please touch me."

Yes, things had definitely changed.

He aimed for her hair to avoid any accidental groping, even if it was just a computer program. But as he was about to make contact she jumped up and he pressed down on her backside. He snatched his hand away quickly.

"Uh, sorry, miss!"

"Oh, you! Tee hee hee!"

The girl's torso morphed into a number box, waiting for Shinji to dial. He fished in his shirt pocket for the letter packet he was mailed and briefly skimmed the contents for the information he needed. He began punching in what he hoped was the appropriate phone number from an extensive list of inheritance lawyers, and the girl on the screen started to moan in ecstasy, arching her neck and bristling her tail. Shinji sighed, cursing whoever designed this.

"Whew! That sure was a long number, you stud. Tee hee hee!"

With an exasperated groan, Shinji idly strummed on the receiver as the number processed, glancing around the abandoned train terminal he was in. He wished he could have taken it instead of that smelly cramped commuter bus, but his teacher/guardian made him work for his money, and he didn't feel like earning the required pittance for a train ticket. It could get very uncomfortable very quickly. That one time he was loaned out to the girl's college for funds to save his life from a ruptured appendix still haunted him.

He shook it off, reminding himself he was no longer under the unforgiving clutches of his former Master, and was in fact in a very large, advanced city. Aside from that whole catgirl thing asking for him to grope her, it was also sort of odd that such a large city seemed to have absolutely no citizens; the streets and buildings were all deserted. Even the free porn and bourbon shop down the road was empty. Not that Shinji was really complaining about some alone time. After the last few years a little peace and quiet like this was welcome. Though he had a feeling it wouldn't last very long.

He glanced back down to the letter his father sent him, all but ordering him to

'Come in from the dry rain and be shielded by my scrumptious ass cheeks that clap the national anthem of Bolivia! Do you not love my multi-flavored inhabitance of blueberry muffins? Tacos! Purple monkey dishwasher marshmallow marshmallow baseball bat in the balls of old St. Nick! Pecans and nipple-twisters here I come for your delectable earlobes that will make me into an exploding chimpanzee with two knives in each foot two I tell you! Stocking stuffers with battery-flavored socks partake of my thunderous orgasm kaleidoscope art from hairless Kindergarten students riding flaming buckets of geriatric gal bladders into a canyon of alcoholic racecar mice with heat seeking laser bowels! Ha ha ha ha ha! I am the sexy putrefaction god of doorknobs! Worship my eternal scrotal magnificence as it colors the sky with—'

The last line became scribbled and illegible, until someone else hastily scrawled in what might have been blood, the words "please for the love of God come to Tokyo-3."

So, he came. Though the letter did not fill him with optimism, he held onto the minuscule hope his father finally beat the crippling drug dependency he developed after his mother died, and wanted him back, like a father should. Perhaps everything he wrote was an elaborate code.

Shinji scanned the rest of the note. Attached was a small snapshot of a drawing of a figure, which may have been a woman or fuse box instructions. And the "note the circuitry input node" message on the bottom was just confusing.

He shook his head and turned his attention back on the phone's LCD screen, where the catgirl had somehow acquired a set of garters. She cheerfully opened her digital mouth.

"Sorry cutie, but all lines are currently down due to giant monster attack."

A soft electronic peep sounded and a 2-D symbol of a large lizard stepping on a building appeared in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

"What in the world?" he said.

A building promptly collapsed behind him. From the smoking rubble a giant orange mecha arose, swinging a long double-pronged red spear and demolishing everything in the immediate vicinity of the entire city. It was humanoid in appearance, ridiculously gangly and proportionally impractical, but humanoid. It sported what looked like muscles and proper articulation along a form-fitting armor, while its "face" was encased in a helmet, and held a single shining eye in its center, and a weird metal goatee-like chin.

Despite the somewhat comical outward appearance of the robot, it was not filling Shinji with assurance that he'd be able to continue living for very long. He gritted his teeth, determined not to empty his bowels on a city street corner.

"This just doesn't seem to be my day," he said.

A blue streak skidded to a halt at his feet, diverting his attention from imminent death from giant robot to imminent death from severely dilapidated car.

"Hey kid!" the driver yelled over the din, leaning out the broken window. "Get to a shelter or you'll written off as an acceptable loss under the city's Individual Responsibility for Monster Avoidance bylaws!"

Had Shinji not known her, he would have thought her gorgeous.

"Misato-san?"

"Shinji-kun?" She tore off the shades I forgot to mention she was wearing and gave him a once over. "Shinji-kun!" Misato crawled out of her poorly abused Renault like a spider on crack and pulled him into a crushing hug. "Oh, my little Shin-chan is finally home! This is the greatest day of my life!"

"Um, what about that giant thing destroying the city?"

"Huh? Oh, _that. _Not even the end of the world can ruin my mood now that you're back." She released him to arm's length. "Let me take a good look at you."

Another building fell behind them, sending dust and debris into a frenzied dance around their position.

"My _my_, what a handsome young man you turned out to be. I bet the girls never leave you alone. But I mean, pfft, who needs some annoying little schoolgirl chasing after you, especially since if she does catch you she won't know what the hell to do with you. Sure the whole naïve and shy thing can be cute if you're role-playing, but in real life it's boring, unless it's a guy, then I can be the 'teacher' and that's totally hot. So I suppose a better question might be to ask if the women never leave you alone, and what are your feelings regarding that?"

Shinji watched in terror as the orange behemoth closed in on their location, brandishing its spear, its singular eye alight with what he could only assume was evil intent. Or a dramatic effect. Or a dramatically evil—

"Misato-san…"

"Yes, my darling little boy?"

"Well, don't you think we should go?" He pointed to the fast approaching robot causing all the death stuff. "I mean I'm, I'm glad to see you too, but maybe right here isn't the safest place to have a reunion."

"You're right," she said seriously. "We'll have to continue this at my place, with champagne and steak. Climb in and let's go."

"Ah, while I appreciate the gesture, I'm back home because my father sent me a letter. He said he wanted to see me as soon as possible." At least, that was how he interpreted it. True, it had been the first communication he had with the man in nearly a decade, but it rekindled his nearly dead hope of having a normal family again. Despite the letter's complete lack of coherency and spittle stains.

Though he did suppose "normal" family was overrated. Misato had been his surrogate big sister when he was a child before death and drugs took his parents away, but even that was at times little more than being a life-sized doll for her to play dress up with. Still, she was like family. Scary, overly affectionate family, but family nonetheless.

"Oh, _fine,_" Misato groaned. "I guess I'll take you to him."

They got in her car, just as the orange mech's spear slammed into the pavement behind them, sending the Renault flipping through the air. Shinji screamed, clutching the dashboard for dear life. Misato casually put the car into second gear, only frowning a little as the vehicle finally crashed into the ground. Checking her bearings, she started off towards Shinji's father, who conveniently was also her employer.

"I have to say," she said with relaxed cheer. "It's a miracle I found you out here at all. I must have the devil's own luck."

"Wait. You mean you weren't out here to pick me up?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I had to make an emergency plushy and swimwear run." She gestured to the backseats overflowing with shopping bags. "It's the only way Asuka will keep fighting for us."

"Asuka?" Shinji gaped, as fond memories of his childhood friend flitted through him. He remembered how sadistically spirited the redhead had been as a child, as well as her unhealthy love for stuffed animals. "What on earth does Asuka have to do with this?"

"Turn around and see for yourself."

Shinji twisted in his seat, and gasped as a giant, slim four-eyed red mech, complete with a metal bosom and exaggerated hips, plowed into the robot that had nearly killed them a page or so ago. Several nearby buildings shattered from the force.

"Asuka!? You mean Asuka's in that red thing!?" The practical question one might have in such a situation, namely, why is a fourteen-year-old the city's only defense, was drowned by Shinji's sweaty panic at seeing his old friend in danger.

"Yeah," Misato said, idly scratching the side of her nose. "How's she doing?"

The two mecha grappled for a moment, then in a fantastically actiony sequence that I'll skip over, Asuka caught an orange fist in her face, sending her to the ground. Her foe raised its spear over its head and swung down in a blurring arc. Shinji cringed, as he was apt to do.

"We have to go back! She's in trouble!"

"Damn it, Asuka," Misato groaned. "You talk big, but when you actually get out there, you get your ass kicked." She sputtered. "I mean, really. Guess the whole 'entrust the future to humanity's youth' was supposed to just be a metaphor. Oh well. It doesn't matter now. We finally have our knight in shining armor to save us. Or starchy school uniform. Pretty much the same."

Misato stepped on the gas, careening around a corner and killing several small mammals. She casually added a few more chalk lines to a counter by the stick shift.

"Asuka!" Shinji yelled helplessly, as he was apt to do.

"Oh, she'll be fine. Of course, that's assuming the last attack didn't crush her cockpit, and her ejection seat worked, and it didn't send her flying into a gas tank or anything. Relax."

Shinji whirled around, mouth open to insist they go back. So upset, he never saw the tranquilizer gun. As several powerful psychotropic drugs coursed through his nervous system, Shinji sank into the car seat, all thought lost to him. Misato hummed happily, reminding herself to thank Ritsuko again for her uncanny ability to mix drug cocktails. She gazed ahead, plowing through three backyards, to the huge pyramidal structure that sat above the city on a wide mountaintop.

"Welcome to Tokyo-3," she told her unconscious passenger.

* * *

It was a boring and unimportant trip to the bowels of… well, I guess I'll still call it NERV, which I'll skip. Oh, they met Ritsuko along the way, who was clad in a swimsuit for some reason, and she and Misato had some cryptic talk about units and stuff. They eventually reached the oversized kiddy pool which was the cage after a pointless voyage in a ridiculous motorized raft, but Ritsuko blew a fuse turning on the lights, so they had to sit in absolute darkness for a few minutes while someone tripped the circuit breaker. But when they finally saw the mecha and all, boy was it dramatic.

"This," Ritsuko said as she swept her hand across the chamber in a completely needless show of theatrics, "this is the big fake life form thingy, the MazinEva!, mankind's last hope against the monster that conveniently just today showed up to fight us. And you, Shinji-kun, will be its pilot!"

Total silence met her declaration.

"Um… don't… don't you have, you know, anything to say about that? A refusal, a tantrum, wimpy tears? Something? I don't want my speech, which I worked out very carefully over three weeks, to be completely useless. Damn it, say something!"

Shinji opened his mouth and drooled onto his shirt.

"… the tranquilizers again, Misato?" she asked, massaging her temples.

"Well, he was making a lot of noise on the way here and—"

"How much did you give him?"

"Um… the whole syringe?"

"… you really need to learn a little restraint."

Ritsuko pulled out a long needle from her coat pocket, which must somehow be the entrance to some other dimension, and stuck it into Shinji's arm. The boy's eyes immediately cleared and he focused on the giant metal visage staring down at him. He took the next logical leap.

"So," he said, still a little lightheaded as he gazed up at the face of the robot, this big purple skull that emotionally scarred small children and gave them nightmares for the rest of their lives, "this is my father's work? I thought he was just a simple pharmaceutical representative."

"Correct," a booming voice sounded above him. "On both counts."

"Father…" Shinji whispered, looking up.

"It's been awhile," Gendo said, smirking. That was mostly his fault, having lost his son's address. He had a hell of a time locating him, and was currently feeling more than a little miffed about it. Gendo glared down at the boy from a high balcony overlooking the umbilical bridge, one lazy hand hanging out his pocket.

Any sense of drama was lost as Ritsuko cupped her hands by her mouth and shouted.

"Your work? _Your _work? My ass! Your wife made this and you know it!"

"Yeah!" Misato joined in. "Boo! Boo! Taking credit for your dead wife's creation!"

"Yeah!" Fuyutsuki said, his image popping up on a vid screen by Gendo's side. "How dare you assume responsibility for Yui-kun's brilliance! You have no claim on any of it!"

"Mother made this?" Shinji asked no one in particular. "Goodness. This is a far cry from those plastic models she loved when I was a child."

"Alright!" Gendo shouted. "I might not have actually _made_ it… but I did paint it myself."

"You did?" Shinji asked, looking over the machine. "You painted all these flames and skulls and lightning bolts on it?"

"Yes. Now Shinji, time is of the essence. That monster outside is getting closer every second." A loud crash interrupted him, and he looked to the ceiling. "The enemy… it must have discovered our location…"

"Well, obviously," Ritsuko said. "You're the one who insisted on building our headquarters on the tallest mountain in the city, and putting that gaudy pyramid on top of it. It's a miracle no one found it before today."

"Yeah," Misato chimed in. "Actually, thinking about it, why haven't we been attacked before today? It seems a little poorly thought out. Like, for convenience and tension's sake we're throwing out the concepts of realism and practicality. But I'm just rambling…"

"Enough!"

Gendo punched a button at his side and was lowered via a personal lift to the bridge. About twelve feet from his son the lowering mechanism shorted out and stopped with a jolt, and he was flung down the remaining distance. Out of sheer instinct he thrust his hands out to cushion the fall.

"Damn it, Akagi!" He landed on the umbilical bridge with a resounding crash, crying out as he impacted the floor. "Oh, God! My hands are broken!"

"Suck it up," the Doctor told him. "You act like this is the first time your hands have gotten pulverized, or burned, or crushed. Don't be a baby. I'll have you fixed up in a jiffy." Ritsuko produced another long syringe from her coat pocket and injected the commander of NERV with an unidentifiable substance. Gendo immediately smiled.

Yet again forced to view her superior officer's drug dependency, Misato shook her head. Shinji merely looked at his father's hands and felt ill.

"That has to hurt. I can see the bones…"

"Shinji…?"

The boy in question turned. He shook his head free of the confusion and the unpleasant memories of his drug-addled father ruining his fourth birthday party by showing up wearing nothing but a strategically placed cone hat and cape.

"Asuka?" he said in shock. "Asuka, is that you?"

Gone, gone was the stumpy little girl he had grown up with. Gone too were the leg braces and patch to correct her lazy eye. Before him stood a stunning young woman, tall, slender, fiery red hair cascading down her back, framing her beautiful face, her eyes bright, and blue, and neither one drifting to the side. She wore a strange, skintight crimson suit of metal and rubber, which left very little to the imagination. But as Shinji had no imagination, nothing dirty passed through his head. Just as well. The female cast of this series has been forced through enough under-aged debauchery.

Asuka's face beamed and she ran full speed to him, knocking several low level techs off the bridge into what appeared to be orange Gatorade surrounding the mech.

"Shinji! It really is you! I can't believe you're finally back!" She stopped just short of embracing him, her hands floating by his shoulders. His broad, well-defined shoulders, she told herself. "I'm so happy! You've finally come back to m—" She slapped a hand over her mouth, mortified that she had nearly spilled her heart so quickly. "I'm… I'm glad you're back home. Welcome home."

"Thanks. It's good to be back." He couldn't help but remark on the drastic change she had undergone during his absence. "You look great, Asuka."

"Thanks," she said, feeling a blush light up her cheeks. She treated herself to a quick once over of his body. "You look great, too."

He smiled to himself, dense as a rock. Suddenly he shot forward, eyes full of concern.

"Are you okay?" he asked, her battle rushing back to him through the haze of drug goggles. "You're not hurt, are you?"

"N-no, no," she said, blushing brightly as he searched her body for injury. "Really. I found an emergency escape route and conveniently wound up here. I'm fine."

"Thank goodness," he said with a genuinely grateful smile.

As they stood gazing at each other, Gendo moaned in pain.

"Oh, right. The city and the attack."

"Yeah," Misato growled, her eyes twitching over her old friend and Asuka. Subtly, she re-holstered her gun. She never did trust Germans.

Ritsuko helped the Commander to his feet, and another dose of happy juice. He sighed contentedly.

"Shinji," Gendo said, using a mangled hand to push his glasses back up his nose. "You are our only hope for animated cheese ball races on TV Tokyo-brand sandwich cookies. The enemy eats our weight in tire axle gumdrop spaceship bad dog bad dog bad dog bad dog. Can you stop puff puff tricycles and save my collection of many fragrant scissors? Laughter-colored spiders vomiting from your ears win win win!"

"Um…" Ritsuko cleared her throat. Having spent the last decade or so as nothing but a glorified interpreter for Gendo when he was bombed out of his mind, she was rather adept at separating the totally insane ramblings that left his mouth from the moderately insane ones. "I think he meant to say you're our last hope to beat that thing outside. That only you can pilot the MazinEva! and save us from imminent death."

"Fishnet fetish goat haaaaaaa…!"

Having no sense of drama or suspense himself, Shinji quickly dismissed all the practical arguments against following his father's orders. In the end, and because we all knew he would do it, he agreed.

"I'll… I'll pilot it," he said, gazing up at the machine, the MazinEva! _For you, mother. For the world you wanted me to live in._

Dramatic music inexplicably swelled over the loudspeakers, and Shinji was led away by Dr. Akagi who gave him a brief history of untrained, untested rookie pilots who were somehow better at fighting than seasoned professionals. It was not mere plot device or convenience, she explained, but an exact science. One she specialized in. Mechology, she called it. The fact that Shinji had never heard of it before didn't bother him in the least. She was wearing a lab coat, so he trusted her intellect completely.

Ritsuko went on the explain how the above stated newbies were often naïve, introverted young men with some sort of tragic and heartrending past, usually with strained relations with close family members, but who somehow manage to attract the attention of several sweet young things, who inevitably turn out to be princesses or childhood friends or weird military experiments. The Doctor asked which he preferred, and when he stated he had no preference, she warned him that an overtly shounen-ai mecha series had yet to be commercially successful, that "Wing" show notwithstanding.

But she digressed.

Slapping a pair of neural connectors to his head and kicking him into the waiting entry plug, Ritsuko openly wished he wouldn't die on his first mission. Actually, she knew full well that he would indeed return successful, but she wanted to increase the whole mathematical equation of drama.

Shinji only knew that this was, so far, the stupidest thing he had ever participated in. And he had been involved with several poorly designed marketing gimmicks made to lure fools from their money. Including half a dozen "parenting" sims. Creepy.

But he digressed.

As the mighty behemoth came to life around him, Shinji couldn't help but feel it was time for a scene change. Not a drastic or well thought out one, simply something to increase the tension, and because I can't link the next part together smoothly.

* * *

"Somehow, this isn't what I thought my homecoming would be like."

Shinji sat in the cockpit of Unit-01, as someone alternatively called it, waiting through all the activation tests and preparations. Which were surprisingly lengthy given the fact that a giant murderous hell machine was obliterating the city just outside. Shinji adjusted the buds on his head, wondering if such tiny things could really help him control a giant robot.

"I thought there'd be more to it."

He looked over the sparsely decorated plug, finding only two control yokes. No levers, pedals, switches… nothing but dinky little grip things. How could piloting a mech be so simple? To distance itself from those G shows, Ritsuko would say, but since she wasn't there that was just me. Moving on.

Shinji blew out a long breath to try and calm himself. His mind drifted back to the past few years he had spent away from home, deep within the mountains. Or, at least that was what his teacher called the red light district they lived in.

_Master,_ he thought. _I suppose this was what you were training me for. I hope I will not disappoint you, and can honor your teachings._ He gripped the controls as a tech told him they were almost ready to launch. _Please, lend me your strength and wisdom, Master Kaji._

"_Shinji?"_

He glanced down at a vid window that popped up by his elbow, displaying a very embarrassed young woman.

"Asuka? What's up?"

"_Well…"_ She drew in a breath, and smiled at him. _"Be careful out there, okay? It won't be fair if you came back here today only to… to…"_

"Asuka…"

"_I'm so sorry, Shinji!"_ In the small screen, she bit her finger and turned away._ "If I had been able to beat that thing you wouldn't have to go out there and fight! How can you ever forgive me?"_

"There's nothing to forgive, Asuka," he said, and meant it. "I mean, even though we haven't seen each other in years, we're still friends, right? We promised to stay friends forever, remember?"

"_Of course I remember that conveniently off-screen event."_

"So don't worry." He smiled. "I'm impressed with you. You went out and fought by yourself. You did great, Asuka."

_Thank you, Shinji, _she thought. _But you better come back. You were the only person to not make fun of me when I was younger. Despite my lazy eye, and differently sized legs, and the lice, and that whole grisly "noodle incident"… you've always stayed by me, Shinji. I… I want to tell you… so much…_

"_Shinji,"_ she said, thankful that despite having her inner monologue appear in italics there were no quotation marks to make it public knowledge. _"I… I just want you to know that… that I…"_

Asuka's image in the window was yanked backwards, and Misato's grim visage replaced it.

"_Final safety locks disengaged,"_ she grumbled, frowning. _"Try not to barf."_

Her announcement was followed by a series of crashes and thumps. At his side, Shinji saw several techs run in terror as the platforms they were on slid into the wall.

"That's unfortunate."

With an odd toilet flush sound effect the plug began filling with a strange, coppery liquid. Shinji tried not to panic, hoping this was merely another step to activating the robot. But as the foul-smelling stuff reached his chin his natural preservation instincts kicked in.

"I don't want to be a bother, but, well, I seem to be in danger of drowning."

"_What?"_ he heard someone yell. _"Oh, shit! The LCL is leaking into the plug!"_

"_Damn it, Akagi!"_

"_No, no, don't worry. According to my calculations, this will undercut the mounting dramatic tension via comic relief. It's sure to give our mecha an edge over all the others. Never underestimate the value of something old and cliché!"_

Shinji grabbed the air mask that popped down from an overhead compartment.

_Alright,_ he thought. _I can do this. I've survived worse. The grappling "combat" Master taught me. Sending me into the city to survive for a month with only ten yen and hot pants. Those marathon massage sessions. I… I can do this._

"_Path clear. Ready to launch."_

"_Sir,"_ he heard Misato say. _"Can we really do this?"_

"_Does the grand spankmaster of Ireland need to work up the toe-sucking conundrum of how to spill his seed all over CD cases of Joseph Stalin eat monkey eat!"_

"… _launch MazinEva! Unit-01."_

Shinji rocketed to the surface. It was a very unpleasant trip, like a poorly designed carnival ride intended to separate your stomach with its contents, thereby forcing you to refill it with stale popcorn and hot dogs made of dead horse/clown meat. He chanced a look up and saw two doors opening for him, sliding apart to reveal the open sky, which was odd, considering he had just been inside a base situated on a tall mountain. He stopped as abruptly as he began, and tried to take stock of his surroundings while searching for the orange machine and retaining his breakfast.

"Okay," Shinji said. "Who exactly am I supposed to be fighting here?"

"_Don't you know anything?"_ Ritsuko shouted. _"First battles for rookies are always against poorly defined, unknown enemies in some sort of convoluted, illogical setting. It's the classic trial by fire!"_

"Fantastic," Shinji grumbled. He spotted the orange mech flying over the city and gutting several buildings. "Hey. I just thought of something. Are all the civilians evacuated?"

"_Define 'all.'"_

"_Alright, Shinji-kun,"_ Misato cut in. _"On your right is a weapons transport building. We're sending up a rifle and a couple rocket launchers, a sword, a shield, maybe a few lasers, whatever we can fit."_

"_Um… about that…"_

"_What now, Ritsuko?"_

"_Well… with all the commotion about launching Unit-01… uh… none of the weapons transports are stocked."_

"_What!?"_

"_Damn it, Akagi!"_

"_Devour mighty staplers!"_

"_So he's helpless!?"_

That's exactly how Shinji felt as he watched the orange robot close in on him. It stopped a block away, staring him down. There was no fear or apprehension in its movements, simply a curiosity stemming from serious battle experience. It raised its spear.

"How do I move this thing!?" Shinji shouted. "Help!"

A small screen popped out from the plug's siding. It crackled with static for a moment, then a small, chibi Ritsuko appeared, waving a flag bearing NERV's logo, a red fig leaf severed in half, with the line 'If You're Reading This, You're Fucked' curving beneath it.

"So you want to know about the MazinEva!, huh?" the chibi Ritsuko asked, as several cats inexplicably started circling her. "Alright! First off, I hope you're in the safe confines of NERV and not in some suicidal battle without any training. If not, please note that NERV has a terrific accidental death clause that will provide for your spouse and/or family. But that's only assuming we like you."

"Help me, Dr. Akagi!"

"First," the cartoon went on. "Please ensure that the blinkers are turned off. If not, they will quickly drain the internal batteries…"

Outside, his foe had tired of waiting, and charged. Shinji screamed in terror.

It was an odd thing, though, growing up on the hard-boiled streets of Kyoto, or wherever. Scraping out an existence and living day to day. It taught one invaluable lessons. About humanity, and human interaction. And about how to stay cool and collected during a possibly violent altercation.

Shinji of course didn't grow up on the mean streets. Living under the careful tutelage of Master Kaji Ryoji, nestled in the heart of the red light district of some Japanese city had given him other types of important life lessons. Things that won't be discussed right now. But as it was, his youth had afforded him many things which he himself often forgot about. For example, faced down with an incensed, possibly hormonal attacker, Shinji's left side of his brain, or right side, whichever controls involuntary reactions… or maybe it's a gland. I don't know. And neither did Shinji. All he knew was that he sidestepped the attack, and spun around with enough time to watch his enemy ram into a low-lying building.

"_Ooh! Denied!"_ someone in NERV said, possibly his father. Shinji was having trouble focusing. Over the din, he heard Misato ask someone how his "synch rate" was.

"_Predictably high, ma'am!"_

"_Excellent. Shinji-kun! Keep attacking! It's us or him!"_

He saw, in a blur, the orange machine's spear whip around towards him. Shinji cringed and tried to jump backwards in his seat. To his amazement, the MazinEva! leapt back, just as he had attempted to.

_How convenient_, he thought, finally realizing how to control the mech.

His victory was short lived as his opponent leaned forward, its single eye glowing brighter and brighter. With a final spark an energy beam… beamed from its eye, blanketing the surrounding area in fiery, molten death. Unit-01 vanished under the assault, and the tactical net strained to relay his scream of agony.

"_Shinji-kun!"_ several people shouted at once, but to save room were expressed as a single action.

As the super scientific city of Tokyo-3 roasted under its hellish barbeque, Shinji crawled to his feet in the MazinEva!, clutching his head.

_Of course,_ he mused bitterly. _I get to feel whatever the robot feels. Otherwise, I'd be in no real danger. This sucks._

He had no time to ponder his electric wounds though, as he spotted the Harbinger (I need a new noun for "orange devil," okay? So from now on the bad guys are called Harbingers. There) above his head, swooping down to finish the job. With no weapon to oppose his enemy's, and no time to get away, Shinji braced for impact.

The spear cut through the air, and his left arm, sending the severed limb five miles across the city, landing in one of those shoddily built and poorly secured evacuation shelters. I mean, come on. Unit-02's skull comes crashing into one of those like it was the top floor of a straw hut in that one episode.

But I digress.

Shinji looked down at his missing left hand, wondering how it was his machine was bleeding, right when the sympathetic pain hit him.

_Ow,_ he thought.

A gust of wind brought his attention back to the Harbinger. It alighted before him, pulling back its weapon to skewer his face.

_This'll probably hurt, too._

Suddenly, in a flash, and because I said so, through his pain and fear Master Kaji's training rushed to the forefront of his mind. The training that required all that time spent around women with minimal clothing. The hard, grueling instruction of how to relate to females, in various senses, and how to anticipate their thoughts and wants until it became a nearly innate skill, like increasing stamina through aerobics or Misato's rigorous "drink 'til ya pass out" program of building up alcohol tolerance.

Shinji instinctually felt the familiar spark of his senses expanding beyond his body, reaching out to the other machine on nothing but reflexive intuition. And past the layers of metal and destruction he felt… a woman.

Yeah. That's right. Shinji's an empath. But only regarding the female of the species. Makes things easier for me in this single particular situation. Besides, Kaji always struck me as knowing exactly what to say and do in any given situation, like a sixth sense. But I do have a real explanation. Later. Later.

"There's someone in there," Shinji said. "A pilot, just like me." He frowned. "I can't hurt her. Master Kaji always told me to never raise a hand against a woman. Unless they specifically requested it. And even then, only within the confines of a caring, loving environment, with a safety word."

Having no permission or safety word, Shinji sought for a sound way to free the enemy pilot. He briefly considered opening a comm. channel to the other machine, but his regretful failing in mastering his teacher's "female sweet talking" skill stayed his hand. In a move born of desperation, he ducked down to plead for mercy, and the Harbinger fell over his back as it lunged.

Fell over his back, and right into a gas station.

Now, for those of you still bothering to pay attention, you might remember a passage where the Harbinger's eye lit up like a candle. To make this battle, and this chapter go away, I'm making the eye still on fire, which in turn will ignite the gasoline, resulting in a mech-crippling explosion.

To be true to source material, let's say it was a cross-flare. And to stay true to my sense of "drama," let's insert a scene change.

* * *

The smoke of the battle still settling around him, Shinji climbed out of the MazinEva! Using a conveniently placed rope ladder he reached the ground, and climbed over the rubble to the big robot that just blew itself up.

"Hello?" he called. "Are you okay? I'm sorry I had to do that, miss. I hope you're alright."

Shinji scaled the mech, employing every agility and strength exercise his sensei had imparted to him. He crested the head and found a release for the skull hatch. He pondered, for a moment, the wisdom of placing the pilot in the head of a humanoid mecha. That seemed to him to be the first place an opponent would aim for.

The opaque hatch lifted, hissing out steam and pressure in a pointless exhibition to delay revealing the identity of the pilot though I'm sure you've all figured it out.

"Hello?" Shinji called into the haze, trying to peer through it. "Miss? I am sorry, but you were attacking my home and, well, I hope you're not injured."

Each passing second only served to increase his worry. He attempted to fan the billowing smoke away, desperate for a look at the pilot.

_Oh, what would Master Kaji say now? I can't believe I had to fight a girl without a safety word._

"Miss? Hello…?"

The smoke parted as a flying blue and white blur tackled him and sent both of them several yards to the ground. Shinji was grateful again to his sensei, and the time he had taken strengthening his body with endurance exercises and hot wax. He barely felt the jagged street strike his back.

As he saw a knife heading for his neck, survival instincts that only I knew he possessed right this instant sprang to life and he stopped the attack by blocking her wrist with his forearm. The weapon fell, and Shinji grasped the hand of the female pilot straddling him.

"M-miss! Please! I don't mean you any harm!"

Shinji's eyes widened, getting his first clear view of the girl. She was young, perhaps his age. She was incredibly pale, with striking red eyes and feathery azure hair cradling her face. She was, he thought on an entirely different realm of consciousness, rather pretty. Living with one such as Master Kaji, Shinji had learned to appreciate women of every conceivable type and style. And age. But let's not go there. At least not right now.

But the blood seeping down over her left eye was not lost to him. Nor the fact that she could only use her right arm, which was still in his hand.

"You're hurt! I'm so sorry!"

The girl raised her head, then brought it down it a savage strike. Yet again calling upon his teacher's training, Shinji pivoted his hips and flipped her onto her back before using his legs to pin the girl beneath him, effectively cutting off her resources for attack. Her squirms and kicks were proven ineffective by Shinji's superior thigh strength.

_Thanks, Master,_ he thought. _Though how he knew I'd be in life or death situations like this astounds me._ He peered down at the girl. _Why on earth would a young girl be piloting a robot and destroying the city?_ Questions, it turned out, that would have to wait. For a future chapter. If I decide to keep this fic alive. And if I remember to ask the questions again. Which I probably won't.

"Shinji!?"

He looked up. Asuka, as well as the rest of the people he had met today stood several yards away from him on the ruined street, openly staring at him. Except his father who was intently focused on how his fingers moved through the air. But the confused, hurt expression covering his childhood friend's face gave him a deep emotional wound. Which would most likely be followed by a bodily one. He completely missed Misato aiming her gun at him.

"Shinji!" Asuka cried again, her eyes growing wet. "What… what on earth are you doing!?"

He imagined how awkward this must look, with a pretty girl trapped between his legs.

"Um…"

"And who the hell is that!?"

He looked to the girl under him, hoping for something, anything. Her face remained a blank mask. Her red eyes narrowed on him.

"I am Zero," she said, so softly that only he could hear. "And I am going to kill you."

Not for the first time this day, Shinji wondered if should have responded to his father's letter. He wished he was still in the mountains receiving training from his sensei, learning the ways of the world.

"I will kill you," Zero repeated. "You would be wise to end my life now."

"I can't kill you, miss. I'm terribly sorry I even hurt you."

The girl cocked an eyebrow, but it was so fast it appeared as nothing more than a mirage.

"You are weak," she stated. "When the next Harbinger attacks, it will crush you."

_The next one? _

Shinji sighed, since that's the easiest way I have for expressing a monumental fatigue, either emotional of physical. He glanced back at MazinEva! Unit-01, its colorful flames and decals burned away to reveal its dark purple base coat. Oh, and since I skipped a physical description of it before, let's just assume it looks the same as in the series, alright? Now back to the melodrama.

Staring up into its darkened eyes, the young boy couldn't help but feel that this was the start of a long and multi-chapter story. But after a moment, he hoped it wouldn't be.

* * *

Round 1! Over!

Author's notes: just a writer's block exercise, without any merit or depth. To be clear, I started getting ideas after a friend of mine showed me Mazinkaiser a couple years ago. It got me thinking about all the familiarities in mecha shows. I actually wasn't into robot series that much before Eva, and now I can't help but poke fun at the genre in general. Although I did enjoy Gundam 0080. I felt it was less preachy and convoluted than most Gundam stuff. Now that I've alienated all the G fans out there, let's move on.

Belay those angry flames, Asuka fans. I have something planned…

Shinji the empath? I have something planned…

Next chapter should be up fairly soon, mostly to explain Asuka's criminal behavior. Though it really shouldn't be much of a mystery. But overall, meh, I'm lukewarm over this fic. I hope my parody rewrite will turn out better. You know, the one where the _entire_ cast is after Shinji; man, woman, Eva, Angel, computer, Pen Pen and me. I still think that's a funny idea.

One more thing. Regarding the rating. I'm going to be hedging the fence between what constitutes a T and M rating. So, yeah, some lime. Nothing much, but it's still in there. And I'm not sure if saying the F word in NERV's logo will get me in trouble. If it does, let's make the most out of it. Fuck.

Points to anyone who knows where the "noodle incident" reference is from. Fuck.


	2. Round 2!

Adam "Pork Chop Sandwiches" Kadmon

Disclaimer: I see the angry mobs of Asuka fans approaching… I don't own Eva. Or Band-aids. But I do own Pain Cakes. So hands off.

* * *

Previously on MazinEva!: Shinji returned home to Tokyo-3 after training with Kaji for as yet unspecified reasons, reunited with Misato and Asuka, and fought Zero, pilot of a deadly Harbinger. Also, I offended nearly every Asuka and Gendo fan. Well, I have an excuse for one of them.

* * *

Today was going to be a good day, Asuka thought.

She strode down the halls of Tokyo-3's super scientific junior high school, located conveniently between the fourth largest ice cream parlor in town, and the smoking crater that used to be the hospital. She was, despite the tremendous battle yesterday, and the fact that some pale hussy had touched Shinji's thighs, feeling good. It was a new day, a fresh chance for her, and more importantly, a fresh chance for the city. But mostly for her.

She waved and smiled as students passed her, even stopping to console those still feeling shaky after the attack. A pat on the shoulder there, a well-timed smile here, and all left in her wake soon felt better about their situations, and the fate of their home. It was a good thing. Until they realized who had just spoken to them.

After poking her head into the nurse's station to see if they needed any assistance with injured students and faculty, Asuka entered classroom 2-A, pleased to find the rest of her fellow teens waiting. They glanced up at her, the soul-withering panic apparent on their faces.

"Oh, good morning, Asuka," Hikari said, walking over to her.

"Hey, Hikari. What's up?"

Horaki Hikari. The class representative, known for good grades and a stern sense of right and wrong. She was, in many instances, the only thing that held the class together. Like a brown-haired adhesive of ethical fury.

"Not much," she said. "I'm still a little weirded out about the whole attack yesterday. I'm a bit shocked they didn't cancel classes." She thought a moment. "Actually, I'm more shocked the city hasn't been evacuated completely."

"Don't worry," Asuka said with a relaxed smile. "You must have heard about the heroic and good-looking pilot who beat that orange thing, right? I'm sure he'll take care of everything. Nothing to worry about."

"I wish I had your confidence." Hikari sighed, and gazed out over the class. "I also wish I could do something to reassure everyone else. They look so scared from the battle. Do you have any ideas?"

"As a matter of fact, I do."

Asuka casually glided to the chalkboard, waiting for the room's collective attention to be directed at her. A millisecond passed and she shrugged, sure they had more important things to do than listen to her. Another millisecond passed and Asuka decided they needed to learn some Goddamn respect.

Her nails gouged into the board, raking down at a slow, leisurely pace, leaving deep jagged claw marks. Asuka reached the bottom of the board, watching the entire class squirm and wail in agony. She reached up and did it again. As a wiry, nervous-looking fellow leapt out the window, she felt she had their undivided attention.

"Listen up, maggots," Asuka growled, adopting the tone of voice best suited for an English teacher disgusted by her students' inability to grasp the difference between to and too. "I could smell the fear and urine that's coating each one of you from a mile away. This whole city reeks of it. What I have to say to you is simple. _Grow some freaking balls_. You can piss and moan all you like, but you better do it in hiding from now on. Because today we're getting a new student."

"A new student?" Hikari asked, holding her palm to her left ear to stanch the flow of blood. "Do you… do you mean it's—"

"A new student," Asuka said again, "and I want all of you to be on your best behavior, understand? I won't tolerate any teasing, or name-calling…" She looked over the female population. "Or flirting. Hear me, you dirty, dirty bitches? Reika, I'm looking at you."

Mr. Nebukawa, the teacher who was only given a name in that "licensed" manga adaptation of Girlfriend of Steel 2 called (ugh) Angelic Days, entered the room and adjusted his thick spectacles which I think he might wear but I can't be totally sure and I truly do not feel like opening one of those volumes again to check as he found Asuka at the head of the class.

"Soryu-kun? What are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, sensei!" she responded, her smile dripping with honey and sugar since she forgot to wipe her mouth after breakfast. "I was just saying how proud I am of everyone for being so strong following yesterday's horrific experience. Forgive me for being up here, sir."

"Oh… oh, that's okay, Soryu. Thank you for being so civic-minded and kind. We would all be wise to follow your example."

"Thank you, sensei!"

Asuka retired to her seat, and immediately opened a school-wide instant message bulletin.

_This is YourGoddess#1 speaking. Open your waxy ears and porn-addled eyes. I'm just checking to make sure you all received the e-mail file I sent to you all last night. You sure as hell better treat Ikari Shinji like the God he is when he arrives. He'll be the gorgeous Adonis hanging around with me. So all you filthy, filthy whores better keep your mangy claws off him or I'll murder you. Yeah, you read right. I'll murder every last one of you. Don't think I won't. Remember that skank Kaede? Exactly. _

_Oh, and P.S. If I ever find out who drew that caricature of me in the third floor bathroom I will burn your entire family alive._

Asuka closed her computer's link, and gave her entire fake attention to the teacher. Her smile only brightened as the collective student population gulped in unison.

Today was going to be a good day.

* * *

MazinEva! Round 2!

The Truth About Soryu Asuka Langley

Or

The Unfortunate Fate Of Suzahara Toji

* * *

Shinji couldn't help but grin as he walked through the halls of his new school. Despite the nametag that Asuka insisted he wear, people were being _nice_ to him. Really nice. And he didn't even have to perform any favors for them. He wondered if NERV had released his pilot status to the city.

No, he reasoned. Dr. Akagi had for some reason been quite adamant about the fact that his job be kept a secret. Something about higher tension and a better release when it was accidentally blabbed by some idiot. Shinji didn't pretend to understand the complexities of Mechology, and decided it was best to just go with what people told him. It was a skill he was well versed in, and he saw no reason to change things now.

"Uh… h-hello."

Shinji turned and found a normally attractive upper-classwoman, eyeing him and trying to smile. Her soft face was pale and sweaty, and her long black hair was frazzled and split. She seemed to be in a great deal of pain.

"Hello," he responded.

"Uh… as… as senior class president here at Tokyo-3 junior high, I j-just… want to welcome you…"

"Oh, how kind of you. Thanks. I'm Ikari Shi—"

"Good God! Don't touch me!" She ripped her hand away as Shinji tried to embrace it in a purely gracious gesture. "She'll _kill_ me!!"

Still puzzling out the girl's bizarre behavior, he glanced past her and saw Asuka literally skipping down the hall towards him.

"Hey, Asuka!"

The senior girl went white as a sheet, then flung herself out a nearby window, not caring they were on the fourth floor and the glass shard garden was directly below.

_What an odd place,_ Shinji thought.

"Shinji!" Asuka squealed, hopping next to him. "I'm so glad you made it! I was starting to get worried."

"Oh, sorry. Dr. Akagi kept me this morning, since I had to stay in NERV last night. Something about how my entrance at school needed to be as dramatic as possible." He shrugged, still clueless as to the great mysteries of Mechology. "Well, I'm here now. Though I still can't believe she set up my enrollment so fast. What class is it?"

"Fourth period just ended, so it's lunch." She blushed. "Do… do you want to eat me? Ah! I mean eat _with me!_ With me!"

"Sure." It was his turn to color. "Except, well, with the battle yesterday, my grievous injuries and feeling death's cold hands molesting me, I didn't have time to make a lunch. I'm a little embarrassed."

"No problem!" She produced a bento. "You can… we can share! Well, only if you don't mind…"

"Of course not. But… um…" He pointed to the lunch box. "It's all decrepit and the top hasn't been cleaned in years."

"Don't you remember?" She held the bento up for him to inspect, caressing it. "You gave this to me when we were kids…"

The lunchbox was a small cardboard egg carton, painstakingly held together with faded scotch tape and poorly aimed staples. A tender gift of affection and care that only a stupid child with no sense of function or efficacy could make.

It had never been particularly adept at holding lunches, as it was about the size of an infant's shoebox, and after years of use it was threadbare and little more than a perforated shield for a handful of rice against a gentle breeze.

Shinji smiled, remembering. He looked at the bright blue crayon-colored bento, now dull, and recalled his childhood friend's fanatical adoration for anything he gave her, be it a mud cake or a crappy bento.

"Of course I remember," he said, chuckling. "I saved up twelve allowances to make it for your birthday present that year." He paused. "Odd, considering my parents were both top-ranking scientists with unlimited financial backing." He shrugged. "Oh well."

"I never forgot, Shinji," Asuka said, edging closer to him. Despite how the hall had cleared as she walked down it, sometimes by way of other students setting themselves on fire, she was feeling incredibly shy at the moment. "We could go up on the roof, or in a private classroom, just the two of us…"

She leaned closer to him, her mind no longer on eating lunch, but on something else entirely, when a shrill, annoying voice echoed towards her.

"Big Sis Asuka! Ow!"

Despite yet another interruption of her plan to show Shinji exactly how much he was missed, Asuka couldn't stay mad at the caller for long.

Wait, no. Of course she could.

"Kensuke!" she scolded, not permitting herself to inflict physical harm on a person in Shinji's presence, lest he discover she did in fact often inflict physical harm on many, many persons. "What on earth are you doing here? Why aren't you in elementary school?"

"But, Big Sis," the small, bespectacled boy whined, who had plastic guns strapped all over his body for some reason. "My school was destroyed in the attack yesterday. All the lower classes have been moved here."

"I know that," the girl grumbled. "I was hoping you didn't."

"Um, Asuka?" Shinji offered, swallowing the small aneurism he had developed. "You… you have a brother?"

She blushed.

"Oh! Oh, uh, no, not really. This is Aida Kensuke. My mom took him in after his parent's were killed… I don't know, a while ago… in some, unclear, undefined incident. Actually, I have the distinct feeling no one really knows, and he's only here as comic relief. You know, like those really annoying brats in robot anime series, the ones who idolize the main character, and routinely get into trouble. They say they have traumatic pasts, but they're really well adjusted and smart, and sometimes solve crucial puzzles and stuff. You know. The kind of kid that the creators focus on when they can't think of how to progress the main plot, or need a break from serious stuff, which I always found to be a real cop-out."

"… oh… okay." Shinji coughed. "Well, how old is Kensuke?"

"I don't know. Ten or something. Young enough not to be a romantic rival to the main character."

"Huh?"

"What?"

Kensuke jumped beside Shinji, his eyes lit with all the tender curiosity and stolen packets of sugar that fill young children.

"Are you _the_ Ikari Shinji?"

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"The Ikari Shinji that Big Sis talks about all the time!" He smiled, and dropped his voice to a whisper. "The pilot of the big robot that saved all of us. You are him, aren't you? You are! I recognize your face from the pictures in Big Sis' bedroom. Though you're not usually wearing any—"

A punch so fast and so hard it actually hit Kensuke several paragraphs ago flew from Asuka's hand.

"Now, now, Ken-chan," she cooed. "We don't want everyone to know about Shinji, okay? Who knows what kind of things the idiots around here might do if they knew." Asuka was not unaware of the numerous fan sites that had literally popped up overnight, all either admiring the pilot of the MazinEva! or lusting after him, or pursuing him to supplement their insurance claims. Asuka wasn't going to chance any of them. "Besides, what if some low level meathead misinterpreted his piloting, and got angry? And what if he hit Shinji? And then Shinji felt bad, or responsible for something that was totally out of his control, but the meathead needed someone to blame for the current situation. And what if Shinji couldn't concentrate the next time a Harbinger attacked, which of course would be right after he was hit? What then Kensuke?"

The boy nodded, gazing up at Shinji. Though he had absolutely no comprehension of what his sister told him, he was determined to go along with it to avoid any more physical abuse. Which he was well acquainted with.

_He really does look different with clothes,_ he thought.

"So," a brash voice bellowed across the hall. "This is the guy what piloted that purple thing, huh? The thing that smashed up the city?"

Asuka groaned. How did she know it.

"Suzahara," she said, hoping to calm him. She resisted the urge to shiver in soul-killing disgust when he looked at her.

"Not now, Soryu-san," Toji said, set in his plan to be manly. That Asuka, the most beautiful girl in Tokyo-3 was here too was icing on the cake. The cake of pain he would soon serve to the arrogant, reckless pilot standing before him. Yes, Toji was filled to the brim with pain cakes. He was a veritable baker. "So? Is it true, new kid? You the pilot?"

Shinji, always hoping for the best, never suspected anything bad would happen. Of course, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst are two entirely different things. For Shinji. He believed Asuka's frantic head shaking was an unfortunate holdover from that tragic bout of epilepsy she had as a child.

"Well, since you asked so politely, yes, I am the pilot." _He seems excited about something. Best not to upset him._

Toji shook with fury. His knuckles popped as his hands curled into fists.

"Then you're the son of a bitch that hurt my sister."

The next few events all happened simultaneously. Asuka, seeing Toji winding back his fist to punch Shinji, tried to grab his arm. Shinji, too stunned at hearing what his careless actions had rendered, simply watched the oncoming pain. Kensuke, seeing violence firsthand, shrieked with joy. Toji, obstructed by Asuka behind him, distracted by Kensuke, and still mighty pissed at Shinji, threw what would be, he'd later reflect, his worst punch ever.

"Ow," Shinji said, holding his ear. "My ear. You punched me in the ear."

Somehow, the rest of the school decided to appear at that moment, jamming the hall until several ugly, unpopular students died of suffocation. Those who could breathe and see the spectacle began to laugh. Not at Shinji as he believed, but at Toji's utter lack of testicular fortitude. And with so many witnesses, Asuka would be unable to immediately murder the brash boy.

"Um…" Toui swallowed. "Yeah. You… you remember that, you damn pilot. Or… or else I'll come after you and… I'll punch your other ear." He straightened his tracksuit and regarded Shinji. "Loser." He turned and fled. Wait. The halls were filled. Um… he magically teleported away.

And since Toji spilled the goods, everyone now knew Shinji was a pilot. Which is odd, since they should have figured it out because I can't see Asuka keeping her own status quiet for so long. Wait. I don't care. Back to the story.

Awash with the horrible knowledge that he had injured an innocent young girl, Shinji slumped down against the wall, vowing he'd never pilot again.

Then his cell phone rang and Misato told him a new Harbinger was attacking and that he'd have to pilot again.

* * *

Back in the MazinEva!, Shinji gripped the controls and looked out as his new enemy, a big gangly blackish-green creature with a bony face and bird's beak, started using its glowy extendable ulnas as weapons and bludgeoned several passing planes. The UN's super strict and American-approved censorship was in effect, so no one was actually onboard those aircraft and everyone assumed they parachuted to safety off camera. If that makes no sense to you, congratulations.

Asuka's mech, which he learned was named "Big Red," was still under heavy repairs, having its bust resized to the redhead's specifications. Just as well, Shinji thought. He didn't want her in any danger.

_I've hurt enough people._

He was on his own again, just like Ritsuko said he should be. Again, he didn't question the wisdom of that reality, he just went with it. But the fact that he was armed with only a dinky little knife that vibrated gave him pause.

"Don't we have any real weapons?" he asked someone, anyone.

"_Of course we do,"_ the Doctor replied, _"but this is how it _has_ to be. As your battles become more frequent and dangerous, only then can we give you new weapons to combat your enemies. There's a strict episode to new weapon ratio that must be observed. I mean, what? You didn't think this would be easy, did you?"_

"Of course not," Shinji said, sighing. He reviewed the extensive two-minute tutorial Ritsuko gave him before this section began on his only available weapon, hoping it would somehow grow into a sword once he deployed it. Or a bazooka. Or something of actual strategic worth. Yeah, hand-to-hand combat in a one-of-a-kind multi-billion dollar war machine made total sense.

It was at that moment, which was also the same moment Shinji realized the left hand of the MazinEva! was still missing, presumably lodged in that crater last chapter, that Sachiel, the new Harbinger, noticed him. He was, after all, rather hard not to notice. Oh, uh, and Sachi looked more or less like his anime counterpart. Nah, he looked exactly like it. And so will all the subsequent Harbingers. Yet again, I am able to avoid physical description.

So, the big bird thing did what came naturally to it. It raised its claw, aimed, and sent its offensive ulna through Unit-01's right eye. Or left. Whichever.

_Well, that hurts a lot,_ Shinji thought.

"Arrghhhhhh!!" he said, trying hard not to sound too clichéd.

Struggling to keep his injured eye from popping out of its socket, Shinji willed the MazinEva! to counterattack, hoping he could plunge the knife into the Harbinger. Oh, and he didn't sense anyone piloting it. Yeah, this is now officially a giant monster type fic. Originally, I was going to have each Harbinger be piloted by a cute young girl like Rei, or the Rei clones, but I realized just this instant that that would be a ton of work. I'm writing this to unwind, and I want the least possible amount of hassles. Sorry. No harem.

But I digress.

Shinji reached up to his shoulder, trying to deploy the Progressive Knife that he somehow knew was cased there since I just decided he should know about it. But nothing happened.

"Um… why isn't this working?"

"_Weren't you paying attention to anything I told you last night after you passed out from exhaustion?"_ Ritsuko cried. _"You have to strike a dramatic pose and call out the name of the weapon you want to use."_

"… I have to?"

"_Yes! Now hurry! The enemy will only wait for so many dialogue exchanges before attacking again."_

"Alright." Shinji hung his head, mortified at what he had to do to stay alive. Though embarrassment relating to survival was nothing new after living with Master Kaji, it never got easier. At least he could stay dressed this time. Shinji crouched slightly and in a weary voice said: "Progressive Knife, go."

"_Damn it, boy! Put some feeling into it! Some passion! You're a mecha pilot. Now act like one."_

"Sorry." He took a deep breath, trying to summon the appropriate amount of 'passion' to stay alive, then performed a dangerously long routine of jumps, flips, dramatic arm movements and terrible martial arts, culminating in the mech spelling out each letter of the attack by twisting its body like a contortionist.

"_So flexible,"_ Misato remarked, sounding a little tipsy.

"Alright!" Shinji shouted as his hair inexplicably began to wave dramatically from wind coming from God knows where. "My passion will slice through evil! MazinEva! Unit-01, Radiant Progressive Knife Cut!!"

"_Yes!"_ Ritsuko yelled as the blade popped out, sounding practically orgasmic. _"That's the way! Now you're sure to win!"_

Sadly, she was completely unaware that Shinji had absolutely no clue how to wield a knife outside of a kitchen setting. As his blindly-flail-the-knife-into-the-enemy plan attested to. Sachiel easily sidestepped it and kicked the MazinEva! back, sending it hurtling through the air until it landed, predictably, right on top of Toji, killing him instantly. Wait. It landed beside him, scaring him to death. Wait. It just made him pee his track pants.

Taking stock, the pilot glanced down and saw the boy who had earlier punched his ear. One wrong move and the NERV janitors would be scraping chunky style Suzahara paste off his mech's hand.

"Oh, that's not good," Shinji said. Briefly, he wondered why that boy was even out there to begin with. Because I said so. What? Want a real explanation? Fine. He was… I don't know, had to take a piss and the toilets in the shelter were out of order. Or the others were still mocking him for the ear punch and he ran away in embarrassment. Yeah, let's go with that one.

Anyway. Shinji quickly reviewed his options. He could gently cup Toji and lift him to safety, then resume the battle. But somehow, even with his near absent knowledge of all things Mechological, he knew the only option was for him to allow the other boy into the plug. He felt Dr. Akagi would be proud.

When Toji heard Shinji's call to climb in, he wasn't thinking about the fact that he had been jeered out of the shelter by his classmates. He wasn't thinking about how much he hated Ikari Shinji. He was reminding himself how much he loved living. So he climbed in.

Oh, right. The LCL.

_He'll drown!_ Shinji thought in horror as the hatch closed. He ripped the oxygen mask off his face without a second thought. He gave it to Toji, despite the tough boy's reluctance to put it on. However, the aspect of dying soon outweighed his well-known fears of anything even remotely viewed as possibly homosexual. But as he placed the mask on and took his first breath, those phobias came rushing back when he realized what Shinji was wearing.

"Dude. That is like the gayest thing I've ever seen."

Oh, right. He was now wearing the plug suit for some reason. Which is, honestly, kind of gay. Or, gay to homophobes.

Shinji wasn't thinking about his sexual orientation. Or Toji's girlish screams of terror as he plunged back into battle. Or Misato's rather manly screams. He was attempting to push his emotions outward again at the Harbinger, even though I already said he did. What he received this time, because I just thought of it, was a cold, dead voice. Not like Zero's, this really was cold and dead.

Wait! The Harbingers aren't monsters. They're robots. Until I change it again.

_A computer. My enemy is a piece of equipment, this time._

Shinji attributed his ability to speak with a machine to all the time he spent labeling and organizing his Master's extensive downloaded pornography cache. Amazing, really, how many PC hard drives were filled to the brim. The additional fact it was all hardcore deviance only served to confuse him. What was so arousing about incest, or incest with animals?

But anyway. The Harbinger spoke in a dull, listless tone, evoking no emotion or feeling. It had stopped moving, regarding Shinji in an almost taunting demeanor. Almost. Remember, it doesn't have emotions. Not real ones like you and me.

"_Where is Zero?"_ Sachiel asked.

"Zero? What do you want from her?"

Um, how he spoke while drowning is a mystery, even to me. Eva is full of mysteries.

"_The password to Zeruel's operating systems. My Masters forgot it and are not pleased."_

"Zeruel? What's that?"

"_The Harbinger of Ass-kicking. I myself am the Harbinger of Monstrous Adorableness. But if we had Zeruel with us, you would surely perish. He kicks a mean ass. Oh, that and I was ordered to kill Zero, the Harbinger of Abnormal Obsessions, after she gives me the code, as she has undoubtedly become tainted by her failure and exposure to the human world."_

"But isn't she your ally?"

"_Foolish mortal! We Harbingers are mysterious, slightly sacrilegious entities bent on an undefined goal! We won't have something like logic or common sense slow us down! The bitch must die!"_

So now they have emotions. WTF?

Shinji's sense of… well not heroism, but something akin to that kicked in, and he gripped the controls in a dark fury. He had hurt two girls in a single day, all because he was so damn inept at piloting this machine. Well, no more. No one else would be injured because of his stupidity. And no one would be killed.

"You will never reach her," the pilot of the MazinEva! swore. "I won't let you hurt anyone else. The only way to Zero is over my corpse."

Armed with his confused declarations, Shinji drew back the prog knife and readied himself for combat to the death. It should also be mentioned that Toji had achieved a near vegetative state at this point, filled with assurances that he would soon be leaving the world of the living.

"_Uh, Shinji-kun?"_ Misato ventured. _"I'll forget about you letting a civilian into the plug and your vow to protect our enemy, but, uh… you only have ten seconds of active power left."_

Oh, right. The umbilical cable got severed at some point.

Looking back at the conclusion of the battle, everyone in NERV would agree that it was an amazing feat. That it was a thrill to watch. Hell, it was still a thrill talking about it months later. No one could exactly figure out how Unit-01 had managed what it did, but the video recorders never missed a millisecond, and the footage was widely reviewed and distributed. It was astonishing, the viewers would say, that with merely ten seconds of active power remaining the MazinEva! had done what it did. Despite their affiliation, many men who watched the tapes would wince, and grin sadly, and direct a good-natured rib at Sachiel, the poor devil. It was also commonplace for many women who viewed the battle to swoon, or discover a newfound, but steadily growing appreciation for the shy pilot. Yes, the end of the fight was truly, truly miraculous. A testament to the strength and courage of humanity. Something that one would remember clearly for the rest of their lives. Indeed, it somehow made everything else they had ever experienced seem paltry and insignificant. That was how great it was.

Truly, truly great.

* * *

Shinji passed through the final security checkpoint on his way to the holding cells after the battle, deep within the… depths of NERV. He wasn't worried in the least that the detention block had looser security than the cafeteria, satisfied with the reasoning that this was a civilian owned and operated organization, and wasn't used to detaining prisoners.

But there was a prisoner. A young girl he had injured. He sighed morosely, still upset over the Doctor's diagnosis. Actually, NERV could only afford one doctor, Dr. Akagi. And although her degree wasn't in medicine, her conclusion on Zero's wounds had cut Shinji to the core.

"_She's, um, hurt, I think."_

As he passed the final screen door, Shinji saw someone else in the detention block, walking towards him. Well, running, if you wanted to get pretentious about it. Screaming, too. Shinji stepped to the side as his father tore past him, invoking his creator's name, Moloch. His hands appeared to be smoking as well.

He shrugged, and found cell 402, which took a rather long time to locate.

"Why would anyone build four hundred and two cells on a single level?" Shinji leaned against the wall, panting. He straightened as his eyes fell on the girl staring back at him, behind thick steel bars. "Z-zero…"

"You," the girl replied simply, lying on a narrow cot with a dirty sheet up to her neck.

"Oh, forgive me. My name is Ikari Shinji." Any further apologies died on his tongue. "Um… did… did you just see my father? Tall guy, Abe Lincoln beard, stupid glasses?"

Zero nodded slightly towards the floor. Shinji saw a broken coffee pot.

"That man attempted to give me an unknown liquid. I threw it at his hands."

"It… I think it was just coffee," he said, bending down to sniff the brown puddle. "Did you really have to throw it at him?"

"Affirmative. I did not want, as he put it, 'something hot and creamy inside me.'" Zero tilted her head at his look of crippling nausea. "What? That was what he said."

Resisting the urge to shiver and vomit convulsively, Shinji stood back up. He prayed for some horrible, horrible misunderstanding.

"S-so, Zero. Um, how are you feeling?"

"Like I am dying."

The girl peeled back her bed sheet, revealing she was totally naked save for a few dozen Band-aid brand bandages that unsuccessfully attempted to cover her extensive injuries.

"Good lord!" Shinji rushed to the bars, not even registering all the pale skin on display before him. "Didn't they get you a doctor? One that knows about treating injury?"

"The fake blonde woman made that claim." She coughed, and looked at the crimson that fell from her lips. "I do not believe her."

Shinji looked wildly at the control panel, hoping he could somehow decipher it.

Open / Close

"Damn my technological illiteracy!" He pounded on the panel, tripping the release switch. The bars pulled down into the floor, allowing him access into the cell. It was a small rectangle, only a dirty bed and broken sink/toilet inside, as well as several dozen motion sensitive cameras directly linked to every male employee's terminal, taking full advantage of NERV's lenient stance on pedophilia. Shinji hurried to Zero. "Are you okay?"

"I am injured." She readied herself. "And you are a fool."

She sprang at him, bringing her good hand up to crush his windpipe. Shinji deftly caught it, and twirled her around.

"You shouldn't be moving so much! Please sit down."

His unwitting dip into his dance training saved his life (Kaji's Physical Life Lessons of Lessons how to live a Physically Fulfilling Life #23: sweep a woman off her feet on the dance floor and right into the bedroom). Zero quickly became dizzy and flopped back on her bed. She held in her groan of discomfort.

_I cannot believe I was injured so gravely,_ she thought. _I am… I am at his mercy._

Despite the layers of sticky bandages, Shinji easily saw how serious her wounds were. Not willing to leave her like this for the time needed to retrieve proper supplies, he took off his shirt.

_This is bad,_ Zero thought. _In my state I cannot stop him. Soon he will be on top of me, his rough hands tearing at my tender flesh, his hot, wet breath pummeling my downy-soft hair and porcelain skin. He will not wait for the agreement of my body, however quick it may rise to meet him. He will take what he desires. His tongue, normally strong and yet supple, will be frighteningly hard as it runs up my throat to my mouth, stabbing between my lips, staking his claim, silently declaring that I am his. His hands, slick with my perspiration, slide down to my quivering knees, prying them apart. I, unwilling to allow him complete access over myself, must defy him, if only for a salvaged sense of self, which is slowly, but surely, being eroded by the commanding, expert ministrations that he places upon my sweltering skin. Soon, but not soon enough he will be at my center, poised to claim me fully, perhaps waiting a moment as I try to contain the strangled plea to continue that is upon my lips. He smiles, confident, powerful, but behind his eyes of the deepest blue I can clearly see a hunger, not only of my flesh, but of my… soul. His desire is not comprised purely of his loins. It is of his heart. He desires me, to be of one mind, one body, one soul. And in that moment, in that secret, sacred moment, I am his. He and I are One._

_But I digress._

"And… there. Done," Shinji said, wiping away a bead of sweat. "I managed to tear up my clothes to make some bandages. They'll have to do until I run to the store and get some actual gauze and wrap. I'll also get some medicine so you'll heal properly. I'm not really a doctor, or anything, but my Master felt it imperative I receive teachings to maintain the body, since he was often intoxicated and prone to hurting himself. Master was a skillful teacher."

Zero blinked quickly, coming out of something.

"What?"

"Don't worry. I'll take care of everything." He smiled. "I won't let anyone hurt you, Zero."

She took in her new coverings, his shirt made into comfortable bindings on her arm and head, his pants transformed into a cute pair of summer shorts and a tube top.

"You are good with your hands," she admitted. "However, you are now nude from the waist down."

Shinji honestly had no idea where his underwear had gotten to. After he returned from the battle he went to change out of the plug suit as it was rather soiled following Toji completely abandoning all control over his bladder and bowels during the fight. But when Shinji arrived at the changing room his boxers were nowhere to be found. He tried asking Asuka about it, since she was right outside when he got there, but she cited some pressing personal concern and ran home.

Shinji planned on hitting the mall, but then he remembered about Zero. He couldn't just leave her, not knowing how she was doing.

And now he found himself nearly naked in her cell, selfishly regretting his decision to fashion sleeves for her from his pants. If he hadn't, he could have used them for cover. He blushed harder from his selfishness. And then it hit him. He was wearing only an undershirt alone in a small room with a pretty girl.

While he knew what Master Kaji would do, and what he told Shinji to do, he didn't think his teacher's training should be put to effect right now, especially since the girl before him was critically injured.

"_The current medical profession is a sick joke,"_ Kaji often instructed him as they walked through the hospital's hot female ward. _"I know the best way to make a woman feel better."_

"_But aren't they injured and sick?" _a six-year-old Shinji asked._ "I don't know if your strenuous 'feel good' exercises are appropriate."_

"_It's appropriate for me. I'm horny."_ He straightened his stolen doctor's outfit. _"Wait here; I'll be busy for a few hours. Paging Dr. Kaji."_

When he returned to his present situation, Zero was still on her bed, watching him, as if awaiting some action from him. In utter desperation, Shinji collected the Band-aids he had carefully peeled from her and tried to mold them into a pair of boxers. After a few minutes, all he had managed to make was a glorified codpiece. He reluctantly stood with a deep blush, knowing it would have to do.

"So," he said, trying hard to defuse the whole 'I just flashed a wounded girl' thing. "Who named you Zero? It seems awfully sad."

"My Master," she said.

"I see," Shinji answered with a grave nod. "My Master was always trying to call me Shinayaka Shina or Shinkasen. Or Meal Ticket." He shrugged. "I never tried to correct him, not after the first few years, but I know how important a name can be."

"A name is inconsequential. Who I am is defined by who I am, not what I am called."

"But still. Zero is such a sad name." He brightened. "Hey! I know! Would you mind if I called you Rei from now on? It isn't much of a change, but, well, I'd feel better." He blushed again at his continued selfishness. "Sorry. Actually, I think it might make you feel better, too. So, what do you say?"

"Call me whatever you wish. It will not stop me from killing you when my strength returns."

"Great!" Shinji exclaimed, only hearing what he wanted to hear. "Rei it is!" He made his way out of the prison cell, remembering it was, well, a prison cell. "Listen, Rei, if… I'll be back soon, so…" He broke off, unable to order her to remain where she was. She was under no obligation to stay. She was captured, after all.

Rei gently shook her head.

"I will wait here until you return." _If you are fool enough to tend my wounds then I will not argue._

"Right!" Shinji beamed at her, then scampered down the long corridor.

As his firm behind left her sight, Zero, no, Rei lay back on her bed, suddenly very aware of her breathing. The clothes… the bandages… they retained his scent. A pleasant, mellow musk, like a velvety hand caressing her senses and tickling down her throat, lying warmly in her lower stomach. The thought that she was in essence indirectly touching him flickered through her mind.

_He will return soon,_ she reflected. _Soon he will return, and tend my wounds in proper dressings. But inevitably his eyes will linger upon my exposed flesh, which is trembling under his gaze, but not from the chill of the cell. Misunderstanding, he will attempt to warm me, but the cover I was issued is inadequate. Shyly, gently, he will realize what the warmest part of his body is, and how it could be so much warmer…_

--Partial scene change!--

"Shinji-kun…" Misato tilted her head to the side. "Why… why are you naked covered only in Band-aids and an undershirt?" The fact that he was coming out of the prisoner block was very, very far back in her mind at the moment. As well as the fact she had all but stalked him here after unceremoniously chucking Toji out of NERV with the promise to castrate him with a plastic spoon if he talked about anything regarding the Eva.

"Um… no reason." Shinji swallowed. "I, uh, I have to go now."

"Wait!" Misato cringed, now needing to think of a real reason to keep him here. But the sight of him in nothing but Band-aids was unearthing some truly teenage and sweaty—"So, hey. Uh, is your arm okay? I mean, it did get cut off yesterday, right? And your eye, too."

"Oh, well, yeah, but it's not so bad." He smiled, and glanced down at his hand. Suddenly he found it in a cast. And he was wearing an eye patch. "What the hell?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

Then the Harbinger alarm sounded, signifying the need to end this crappy joke.

* * *

Shamshel attacked very much as Sachiel did, and since I totally messed with the whole order of things, let's skip the need for another battle sequence and just say Shinji beat old "miracle whip" too. Get it? It's a joke. You see, since in the original series, they're called Angels, thereby denoting holy affectation, by using "miracle" I'm drawing your attention back to the source material by making you think of religion, but at the same time it's a topical reference, in this case, a sandwich condiment, so it's funny. It has two meanings, which are radically different. I mean, you don't think of religion and sandwich toppings as being similar, do you? And the "whip" is a homonym, which are always hilarious. See? I could go back and do it again, if you like. No? You don't think it was very funny to begin with? What kind of an ungrateful bastard are you? Here I am, busting my balls for your entertainment, which I'm doing _free of charge_ let me remind you, and you criticize my efforts? What, isn't this parody good enough for you? So sorry I'm not talented like Zentrodie, or Otaku D-Man, or my secret crush MidnightCereal. _So fucking sorry_. What? Want me to go back to drama? Or darkfics? Want me to churn out another lame-ending Shinji/Misato story, or another fic where I have an emotionally shattered Third Children fingering Asuka on his tiny bed? Well? Or how about my other darkfic "Reeducation," which makes Witness look like a Goddamn Mickey Mouse cartoon. Or my _really_ dark fic, the one that makes even _me_ disgusted just thinking about it. Wait. I already posted that one. Whatever. Pfft. Just forget it. You make me _sick_.

* * *

Toji looked up at the darkening afternoon sky as he walked home, replaying the day's events in his head. He never expected feeling any kind of empathy for the pilot of the MazinEva! Mostly because he didn't know what empathy meant. He'd have to consult a dictionary or something, but the idea of voluntary research made him mildly nauseous.

But the pain he had witnessed, the suffering… it weighed heavily on his mind. Maybe… maybe he was wrong to attack the kid. After all, it was because of him that anyone even survived. He should've been flaunting his heroism and courage, but instead he was shy and self-sacrificing.

"He was probably ordered not to talk about it like I was," Toji growled, trying hard to hang onto his hate and the reassurance that his genitalia were still intact. "It's his fault my sister's hurt. Poor little…" He trailed off, having forgotten his sister's name. He shook his head. "It's his fault. I'll never forgive him. In fact, tomorrow in school, I'll punch him again. That's what I'll do!"

"But how will you punch him when both your arms are broken?"

Toji stopped and turned around, feeling a chill from the dark voice. He blinked when he saw who it belonged to.

"S-soryu-san? Um… what are you doing here? Don't… don't you live on like, the other side of town?" In fact, he knew quite well where she lived. His crotch often acted as a magnet to her unmatched beauty.

"I'm here to repay a debt." Asuka's knuckles cracked of their own volition. "A very large one. One that must be paid… in full."

"Wh-what do you mean? Are you still peeved about Ikari? C-come on, I didn't hit him _that_ hard. A-and he beat that thing, right? No harm done." He gulped. "Right? Soryu-san?"

"You're half right. He did beat it, but that's because he's an amazing man. But there _was_ harm done." Her eyes narrowed. "That bruise on his cheek will last for days, not to mention the swelling. Such a defacement cannot go… unpunished."

Toji had heard rumors of Asuka's merciless temper, but due in part to his astonishing lack of common sense, part to his adoration of her body, he had disregarded all of them. Even the videotaped beating she handed down to the entire wrestling team, and the time she tore the school apart looking for the fool that called her Soryu Asuka "Gangly."

He glanced at her face. She was smiling. That was a good sign.

"There must be… compensation."

Asuka smiled, but it held nothing good. It was no happy smile. She approached a now visibly worried Toji, her head tilting slightly to the side. Her grin had widened obscenely to display fanged teeth, her eyes were concave and hollow save for a glint of feral bloodlust. She took another step towards him and the world was stricken of all warmth.

Toji would, in retrospect, find it ironic. He was going to be able to spend a lot more time in the hospital with his sister.

Not that he knew what ironic meant.

* * *

Round 2! Over!

Or

Thank God It's Done!

Author notes: hope that explained Asuka's criminal behavior last time. To be perfectly clear, she loves Shinji just like she would normally love Kaji, except to the nth degree. Her "amazing quick-change" is in effect. Basically, I'm just having some fun with her. But I do like the idea that she rules the school with an iron fist.

Kensuke as Asuka's brother. Sorry about that, but every good mecha pilot needs some annoying little brat to idolize him and get into trouble. Kensuke was the obvious choice. I made him younger and Asuka's bro because I fucking felt like it.

Toji crushing on Asuka. Put those pitchforks down, folks. To be fair, even Anno considered the possibility. Ever see the deleted scene from EoE? The one that used the live action footage from the very opening? Check around on youtube for it. It's interesting. Also, I felt like punishing Toji a little. Asuka perpetually rejecting him has me smiling.

And I apologize for Rei's behavior in the cell. That little monologue got away from me.

Next time: the JSSDF mount their long overdue attack and deploy the mass produced series. Can Rei come to terms with her increasingly erotic daydreams? Can Asuka deal with the fact that there are so many ways to spell her surname? Can Misato learn to live in a world without Yebisu? Can Gendo's hands be reattached? Can Shinji cope with his mounting list of STDs and still keep the female population of Tokyo-3 happy? Find out in Round Whatever! Or, I Shoot Myself In The Head And The Blood Splatter Stains My Favorite Chair.


	3. Round 3!

Adam "Buck Nasty" Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. But if I did, you can be sure I'd sell out.

* * *

The moon hung high in the night sky as a certain lavender-haired captain led her new young charge to her home on the fifth floor of the 17 Comforts for Cirrhosis apartment complex.

"Are you really sure this is okay?" Shinji asked, scuffing his feet a little. "I don't want to be a bother."

"No bother at all! You needed a place stay, and I have an extra room," Misato said cheerily. She opened the front door of her apartment. "Besides, who would you rather stay with: your grumpy drug-addled father, or your jaw-droppingly gorgeous commanding officer?" She nudged him playfully in the ribs. Which is to say, she groped his chest.

Shinji, forced with the choice of hurting either Misato's feelings or the feelings of a man several miles away, opted to clam up and blush in discomfort. Misato, getting the desired reaction from the boy, ushered him inside.

"This is your home too, now," she told him over her shoulder as she walked in, maneuvering through waist-high mounds of empty liquor bottles, microwave dinner packages, dirty clothes and more empty liquor bottles. "So feel free to take advantage of anything here." She paused, thinking on something, then nodded to herself. "Anyway, I've taken care of all the red tape. So, what do you think?"

The overwhelming stench of animal feces struck Shinji like a shovel to the face.

"Oh, God!" he cried, and promptly vomited on the doormat.

"You okay back there?" Misato asked from the kitchen, popping open all the tops from a six-pack at once. "I guess this place is a little funky, but I put up air-fresheners every couple of weeks." She sniffed. "I think that must be… warm milk."

Shinji pulled the collar of his shirt over his nose and entered the apartment with all the enthusiasm of someone who isn't very enthusiastic about entering an apartment.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay with you?" he asked again, unconsciously hoping she'd say no so he could leave and tear his nose off. "You must be pretty busy without having to look after me. And Asuka was pretty livid when you told her I couldn't live with her." He hazarded another question. "Why didn't you want me to stay with her?" The redhead's descriptions of the king-sized, rotating bed in her house sounded strangely inviting.

"Regulations. We won't have the pilots fraternizing with each other." And by "we" Misato meant herself. No way was she going to let some foreign hussy seduce her Shinji-kun. The Captain would be dead, or drunk, before Shinji was deflowered. Definitely one or the other. She finished that line of thought by draining the entire six-pack through a funnel.

"Fraternizing? Like I would ever. And like Asuka would ever let… anyone…"

"Don't be so sure," Misato murmured. She wasn't going to correct him. He didn't need to know about the girl's "wall of Shinji." Or the heavily converted mannequin. Or the lewd internet blogs. Or the big budget H anime feature films.

"Well," Shinji said, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful to be here. Thank you, Misato-san."

"Forget about it. Let me show you to your room." She led him to a door bearing a plaque that read 'Reserved until Shin-chan returns.'

"Misato-san, you… you set up a room just for me? That's so nice…"

"No trouble at all," she said, smiling down at him. "I was just using it for storage anyway. In fact, I sort of forgot what was in here."

She opened the sliding door, only to be greeted with the sight of boxes upon boxes of cheap pornography, stacked floor to ceiling. Misato pursed her lips.

"Huh. Now, why didn't I remember this?"

"What is it?"

"Nothing!" She slammed the door. "Nothing at all! I know! Why, uh, why don't you take a bath? Bathing cleanses the mind and soul, you know. Oh, uh, and the body as well."

"Well, okay. I could use a soak."

Shinji headed to the bathroom, not noticing his new guardian's frantic shoveling of her porn stash into the back closet. Not all of it fit, but she'd have to make do. She decided she could live without her extensive collection of Sanrio-inspired personal massagers. Sacrifices had to be made. And if it was for Shinji, she was willing to make them.

But as she held the boxes of said devices, she realized some sacrifices were too great. Misato stuffed the containers under Shinji's bed.

"I mean, what are the chances he'll actually look there, anyway?"

It was only then that an unaware Shinji felt the cold embrace of fear.

* * *

MazinEva! Round 3!

The Phone That Never Vibrates

Or

Unanswered Questions Regarding Misato's Competency, And By Extension, The Competency Of Those Who Hired Her

* * *

"Sweet baby Jesus cookies on Christmas!"

Shinji tore out of the bathroom and burst into the kitchen where, much to his chagrin, Misato was busy placing his name on every slot for a chore chart. He had sudden flashbacks to his life with Kaji. His new guardian glanced up, having just finished naming him as "permanent back-scrubber."

"What's up?" she asked, strangely unmoved by his hysterics.

"There's some sort of exotic bird in the bathtub! One I'm sure shouldn't be able to survive in this climate!"

Misato stared at him, trying to keep down the frustration she felt at finding him still clothed. Not that she planned this little scene, not consciously at least. A woman's mind can be a scary place. Misato's can be a terrifying one.

"Don't freak out. His name's Pen Pen. He's your other roommate." She took a sip from her beer. "Oh, and before I forget; that giraffe in the courtyard? His name's Guffy. He's your third roommate. Then there's Randal the polar bear, Billiam the fruit bat flock, and Siegfried, my adorable little brain-damaged chimp. Watch out, though. He's a biter!"

"Um, Misato-san? Why… well, why do you have so many animals?"

"If you're looking for a real answer, you should talk to Ritsuko. We discussed this one time and she said something like, it was partially for comic relief, partially to show I have a good heart deep down, and partially to pay homage to the tradition in robot shows and anime in general in which small animals provide an outlet to troubled characters. Or give people magical gifts. One or the other. Either or."

"Mechology, huh? I won't pretend to know what it all means, but it's nice to know you haven't changed, Misato-san." Shinji smiled, even as a fruit bat defecated on his shoulder. "You're still the same, caring woman I remember from when I was a kid."

"Thanks, Shinji-kun," she said, genuinely moved. "I really did miss you, you know. It just hasn't been the same without my little Shin-chan around to keep me company and play dress-up. Speaking of which, I'll need to take your measurements later, okay?"

Yes, this really wasn't much different than living with Kaji. Shinji began to edge backwards to the bathroom.

"Well, I'm going to scrub the bat guano from my arm and the tub."

"Don't worry, Shinji-kun. I have a feeling all these extra animals will disappear in a paragraph or two, seeing as how their comic effectiveness is pretty low."

And amazingly they _will_ vanish in a paragraph or two. Because I regretted writing them in even as I was writing them in.

After a quick scene change, the pilot of the MazinEva! slipped into a warm bath, letting the distinct comfort of the luxury soak away his pains, worries, and dried animal feces. Given his recent hellish ordeals it was a pleasant and wholly welcome distraction. But bad thoughts seemed to find him in the bath. Like the sticky LCL that filled his machine. Or the blood that covered Rei's body. Or his Master's harsh, unforgiving lessons on how to properly aim a showerhead.

Shinji sighed as he finished washing and drained the tub, watching the water swirl down the drain. He wished his somber mood could vanish so easily.

But his train of thought, led by the locomotion of despair, was derailed by the penny of embarrassment and careened into the helpless crowd of self-respect as Misato stumbled into the bathroom, tossing an empty keg over her shoulder.

_Nice ass, _she thought, seeing Shinji's back.

"Misato-san!?" the boy yelled, trying to cover his body, still glistening with water.

"What? Who the hell are you?" She sighed and rubbed her temples. "Damn. Did I pick up some anonymous guy again? I remember something about needing to drink until I could… flower something?" She shook her head. "It was something really really important…"

"Misato-san!? Are… are you _drunk!?_" _I was only in the bath for ten minutes!_

"Well, you certainly are prone to screaming, aren't you?" She grinned. "Let's put that voice of yours to good use…"

In an attempt to collect the boy in her arms, Misato stepped forward with a slightly delirious grin on her face. However, due to her inebriated state, the steam in the room, and her own unique brand of sanitation, she slipped on a stray bottle of vodka and slammed her forehead on the edge of the tub, sending her into blissful unconsciousness.

"That's a nasty lump," Shinji muttered, catching his breath. "What was wrong with her?"

Now, to remind you of the utter ridiculousness of this story, let's break out the empathic shenanigans again. But remember: I do have an explanation. Not a good one, or even a credible one, but one nonetheless. Plus, I like writing stupid crap. Have you read my other stuff? You haven't? Lucky you. Now back to the shit parade.

Though it was something he expressly forbade himself from doing outside of life or death situations, Shinji reached out to Misato with his empathic abilities, to try and see why on earth she wanted to get drunk and… approach him. Not that drunken assaults were altogether new to him, but having someone he was on friendly terms with was, and wholly disturbing. She was his oldest friend, and now had graciously accepted the responsibility of becoming his guardian. He owed her at least a little help. And if he had to commit a slight violation into her privacy, so be it, because I said so.

What Shinji discovered was an incredibly deep well of frustration and stress. The exact type of stress was momentarily unidentifiable to him however, as he quickly retracted his unique skill, unwilling to intrude any further.

_Poor Misato-san,_ he thought with a sigh. _She really is stressed out. Not that surprising, given her job._ _No wonder she's a little… tipsy._ _Hmm… I wonder if I could do anything to help relieve her stress._

And the downward spiral began.

* * *

Asuka broke into Misato's apartment, intending to add to her impressively growing collection of clothes she had been stealing from Shinji, not at all concerned that she chose the front door to enter through. Electronic locks could be so easily overwritten. She could forge over the internal memory without breaking a sweat. Which is what she would have done that moment, had not a strange sound reached her ears.

"O-oh… oh, Shin-chan…"

It wasn't the content of the exhaled moan that surprised her, nor was it the nearly orgasmic tone. Those were things she was somewhat well versed in. It was the fact that someone other than herself had uttered it. Asuka tip-toed into the apartment, slinking along the walls, making her way to what would soon become a vicious, old-school beat down, complete with nails and dirty names. Something else Asuka was somewhat well versed in.

"Does that feel good, Misato-san?"

_That_ made her stop in her tracks. The previous assumption she held, about a certain lusty captain of NERV relieving some tension by herself, possibly with the aid of a popular Hello Kitty toy, shattered. 

Icy terror gripped her stomach, working its way up to her heart. It made pit stops along the way, spreading fear and discomfort to various other organs, most of which this author knows nothing about. What's a gal bladder for, anyway?

"Oh-oooh, yeah. A little harder, please. Don't worry; you won't break me. Really let loose."

"Okay. As long as you want it…"

"Oh, I want it. I _want_ it, Shinji-kun." There was a slight pause, then Misato gave a very long and very satisfied moan. "Yeah, that's what I want."

The first thing Asuka saw entering the living room was Misato's feet in the air, her toes curling over the back of the couch. They were bobbing slightly, getting into a steady rhythm. Asuka paused. After a quick trip to the captain's room, she resumed her way to the couch, which concealed the dark deed the Ms. Katsuragi was committing. She hefted Misato's service pistol up to about shoulder level, waiting for her to issue another pleased sound before clicking the safety off.

"Shin-chan…"

Asuka was faced with a very important decision. Who would she murder first? She checked the full clip. Almost enough bullets to sate her rising hatred.

Almost.

She finally crested the couch, and what she saw did not alleviate any of the fury she felt. Misato was lying on her stomach, head cradled in her arms, her legs kicking her feet up. Shinji kneeled beside her on the floor, his slender fingers expertly kneading and prodding her back. She was putty under his touch, squealing as he worked her lower back.

After a few more minutes, and several dozen more moans, Shinji finally noticed the girl standing over him, her left eye developing a nasty twitch.

_Will she ever be cured of that epilepsy?_ he thought sorrowfully.

"Asuka? What's up?" he asked, completely calm. The kind of complete calm only a fool feels when staring down unknown, yet imminent death.

"… another Harbinger is attacking. I had to run over here because you weren't answering your cell phone."

"Oh, sorry. I think I must have had it set to vibrate. I didn't want it to bother anyone else. It's in my room."

"And Misato's cell? And the phone in her apartment?" A quick check indicated that yes, those too were utilizing their vibration function. Though why a regular telephone, the kind with a wall jack had such a setting was lost to Asuka.

_She's such a dirty, dirty slut_.

Shinji, still coaxing increasingly lurid oohs and ahhs from Misato, winced as his childhood friend's face continued to twitch.

"Um, are you okay, Asuka?"

"What… what do you think you're doing to her?" she asked, eyeing the terminal boy like a butcher in a field of blind legless baby cows.

On cue, Misato issued a long, unsuccessfully restrained moan of absolute bliss that shook the couch as she shuddered uncontrollably for several long moments, then completely collapsed. Shinji, not realizing the mortal peril he was facing, blinked dumbly.

"Oh, right! No time for this. Another Harbinger! But so soon? We just got back from the last one about an hour ago."

"What are you talking about? That was _two days_ ago. The only reason I haven't come to see you sooner is my mom drugged and kidnapped me and Kensuke to take us to some dumb doll show in Kyoto."

"Two days?" Shinji shook his head. "Huh. Time sure flies, doesn't it, Misato-san? Misato-san?"

The good Captain Katsuragi, now in puddle form, responded with a soft moan and a line of drool from her smiling mouth.

"We need to go," Asuka stated, deciding to keep her raging hatred bottled until after the city was out of danger. But once everyone was safe… oh, boy. Freshly baked pain cakes for everybody. Served hot. It would make what she did to Toji look like a love tap. And Toji was in intensive care. The doctors didn't know if he'd pull through. But finding the object of your adolescent affections literally handing out two-day massages was enough to piss anyone off. Even Asuka.

"What should we do about her?" Shinji asked, pointing to his _very_ relaxed guardian.

"I don't care," Asuka said. "Pour her into a bucket or something. We need to get going."

The last thing Misato thought before the children tipped the couch and sluiced her into Pen Pen's kiddy pool was how letting Shinji move in with her was the greatest thing to ever happen in the history of mankind.

* * *

Ritsuko stepped over the pool containing the Captain and walked to the front of the command bridge.

"Alright, you two," she said, addressing Shinji and Asuka, both in their respective mechs. How the hell they got to NERV without Misato driving is a point I don't want to deal with. "Single combat is starting to wear thing, so we're upping the ante to a double team. Get out there and bring the pain."

"_Shouldn't we have, you know, a plan?"_ Shinji asked over the comm. line.

"Well we would, but our Operations Director is a puddle. What in the world happened to her?"

"_Yeah,"_ Asuka cut in from Unit-02. _"What exactly did happen?"_

"_Um… "_ Shinji swallowed hard, not liking the girl's tone. _"She was feeling stressed, what with all the attacks lately, so I offered to give her a back massage to keep her from drinking too much. She… she seemed to be really enjoying it, so… I mean, I really didn't want her to start drinking again, and no one told me to stop, so—"_

"_For two days!?" _Asuka cried.

Every female, and a healthy collection of males, suddenly found Shinji a far more valuable asset beyond merely saving their lives. You need to understand, NERV was staffed with very, very repressed people. A multi-day massage was just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.

In her pool, Misato sighed, completely content.

"I didn't calculate this," Ritsuko muttered. "I'll have to investigate this 'Master' he talked about the other day."

The mechs were launched. I'm still not sure how catapult lifts located on a high mountain can launch them into the city. Maybe it's like an inverted AT field that shifts time and space or something. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is that it worked, as evidenced by the two of them appearing on the city streets. Another successful implausibility.

Back in NERV, Ritsuko leaned over Maya's chair.

"Be sure to implement protocol 48-F," she whispered.

"Right, sempai. Initiating 'Helpless Female' protocol 48-F."

With a push of a button, Asuka's synch score with her mech dropped to twenty-four percent, or some such pathetic number. Though Maya had initially objected to such a practice, she had absolute faith in her teacher's Mechological beliefs.

That and she thought Ritsuko was really, really hot. The Doctor could tell her to blow Asuka up and she would. Just in case of such an event, Maya had routed the complex and lengthy self-destruct sequence to a single keystroke on her terminal. God help the redhead if Maya ever needed to use the F7 key.

"The MazinEva! and Generi-mech are away!" Aoba announced, which is completely ridiculous considering he handles communications. "They're going to come up right beside the Harbinger!"

"In hindsight, perhaps that wasn't the smartest place to have them surface," Fuyutsuki said, stroking his chin, inwardly pleased at making his first real appearance in this story.

"Actually, how can they 'surface' anywhere?" Hyuga asked, privately wondering if he could somehow still develop a physical relationship with his captain, puddle-form or not. "Aren't we on a mountain overlooking the city?"

"Lieutenant Hyuga," Gendo said. "We covered that earlier. And Lieutenant…"

"Yes, sir?"

"My minty brain is choking luxurious weasels with guitar string soup ladles."

"Oh… okay. Thank you for sharing, sir."

"Snake moans dance on reflecting pools, young shoebox. Snake moans dance on reflecting pools."

"Sempai?" Maya whispered to her, well, sempai. "Did you help the Commander 'relax' again?" The word 'relax' entailing everything from forcing illegal substances into his body to beating him with a hockey stick until he was a vegetable.

"Look," Ritsuko grumbled. "I need that man to be doped out of his mind during all major decisions regarding this organization or we'll all truly be fulfilling NERV's logo, in that we will be fucked. Ikari slept his way to the top, and his only real talent is whoring people out. He'd kill us all and say it was a house cleaning. Even with Misato as a pile of slush, it's best if he's out of commission."

"Oh. Um, maybe we should talk about this later? So we can, um, monitor the battle?"

"Yeah, I guess. Close that Freecell game and bring up the video feed from the city."

"But I have to finish the game before closing or it will ruin my win percentage—"

"Shut the hell up," I said. "And get to the fight already. Christ."

* * *

Ramiel, the Harbinger of Two-Episode Battles, loomed over the streets of Tokyo-3, looking as menacing as a giant modern art cube can. Which, given the series, was surprisingly menacing. Unit-01 and Big Red approached the new Harbinger with caution, both lamenting their lack of proper armaments. I mean, come on. Shinji was sent up in episode 5 without any weapon. That's crap. It's pretty obvious they can send weapons up with the Eva. The catapults are big enough. In episode 19 both Unit-01 and the super bulky Zeruel fit on a single lift. Give me a break. Give me a freaking break.

But I digress.

"Alright," Shinji said. "Let's split up and flank him. I'll take the left, you take the right. On my signal, I'll charge, and you roll around to his back. I don't want you in any danger unless it's necessary."

If Asuka felt any irritation at his taking charge, she didn't show it. In fact, she was viewing his newfound propensity for ordering her favorably. _Very_ favorably.

"Yes, sir!" she chimed, resisting the urge to smother his mech in a bear hug. She had, for the moment, forgotten his little transgression with Misato. She was too busy watching the determination etched on his face and the confidence in his stride. So busy in fact, she didn't notice Ramiel firing on her as she traipsed into its perimeter.

"Asuka!"

"Yes, my lo—" She looked up and saw the flashy death barreling towards her. "Oh, this is going to hurt a lot."

It did. Had Shinji not uprooted a business building and thrown it at the Harbinger, Asuka's Big Red would certainly have been melted like some sort of mech getting melted. And furthermore, as protocol 48-F was still under effect, she couldn't retaliate. All she could do, in typical anime fashion, was whimper in pain as the big, important male character dove into battle to save the day. The wonders of applied sexism.

"You jerk!" Shinji shouted, extending his empathic heart to the enemy, simply to let it know it was about to die.

"_Shinji-kun!"_ Ritsuko barked over the open comm. channel. _"Return to base immediately!"_

"What? Why? I can beat it!"

"_Mechology, Shinji-kun! Think of the Mechology!!"_

Swallowing a few choice words, the pilot of the MazinEva! retreated, but not before promising swift and brutal death to his foe. The shiny cube simply laughed his vow off, like shaking so much dandruff from its nonexistent shoulders.

"_Puny, curved humans!"_ Ramiel boomed. _"Watch and despair as I float completely still and slowly drill down to your pathetic fortress! Bwoo ha ha ha!"_

No one bothered to enlighten the Harbinger as to NERV's actual location atop Mt. Akiraka. So as it drilled and laughed, Shinji quietly picked up Asuka's mech and returned to base.

The end. Until the next section.

* * *

"Damn that Harbinger!" Ritsuko said, staring at the feed of Ramiel penetrating into the street. "Granted, the drill poses no actual threat to NERV, but it's really screwing up the pavement. Plus, it's going to create a traffic snarl off Main Street. I'll never get home tonight! And think of the sewers! It must be stopped!"

She, along with the rest of the supporting cast was in a conference room or something I guess. You know the one. There's like, a table in the center, and a couple monitors and shit. So any further description is unnecessary. But to make it slightly more interesting than just a generic scene setting in the anime, I'm putting a cotton candy machine in the corner, which they were all gathered around.

"Any suggestions for my electric sea monkey tooth-brushing mango?" Gendo asked as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, trying to stay lucid under the many, many illegal substances coursing through his veins.

"It shoots down anything within a five-hundred yard radius. I guess sending that busload of orphans to bargain with it was a bad idea." Hyuga sighed as he nibbled on his cotton candy. "Sorry."

"Didn't someone fire you earlier?"

"People!" Ritsuko shouted. "Focus! My Mechological calculations tell me we need an unorthodox, extremely dangerous, and slightly hair-brained plan. And since our usual source for that kind of impractical crap is still a puddle, we're going to have to look elsewhere."

Misato sloshed in her pool, sighing happily.

"How about we air-lift the MazinEva! in, and drop it on the Harbinger?" Gendo posed, his love for improbable and expensive maneuvers shining through his hallucinogenic stupor.

"Aside from the fact that the fall would probably kill the pilot, and that I personally know for a fact that you're high right now, it's perfect. But at least you're thinking. Anyone else?"

"Let's drop a nuke on it," Fuyutsuki said.

"You suggest that when the cafeteria is out of muffins! I need a real idea!"

"I have one," Maya peeped, stepping up. "But I need Shinji-kun's okay."

Why? Because I need to introduce him into this scene. With a flourish of my keyboard, he enters the conference room.

"Watching the attack, it struck me odd that the Harbinger only fired at Asuka," Maya went on. "So it stands to reason it can only shoot in one direction at a time."

"Well, I have nothing to back that claim up," Ritsuko said through a mouthful of cotton candy, "but go on."

"Thank you, Doctor. If Shinji-kun can distract it long enough, we can have another pilot rush it, without running the risk of getting shot."

"Brilliant!" Ritsuko said. "Except for the fact that we only have two pilots, and one of them is unconscious right now. Which would actually make you a moron."

And I forgot to mention Asuka's not conscious.

"Are we really in such a rush?" Hyuga asked. "I mean, the Harbinger is nowhere near headquarters…"

"Lieutenant Hyuga," Gendo said. "I am promoting you to pilot of Big Red. Suit up. And eat your weight in salty exclamation marks."

"What!?"

"Um, actually," Shinji said, "if we need another pilot, I was thinking maybe we could ask Rei."

A collective blink sounded. Imagine a loud _fwup_ effect.

"Who?" was the question on everyone's lips, so it shouldn't matter who said it.

"Sorry. Zero. We could ask her to help. You have repaired her mech, right?"

And suddenly, by the author's whim, it was repaired. And it was now inexplicably blue.

"Good. All we have to do is ask politely, and—"

"Um, Shinji-kun?" Maya scratched the back of her head. "She's our enemy, remember? She vowed to kill you. Why on earth would you think she'd help?"

Shinji pursed his lips, deep in thought.

"It's just a feeling I have. A convenient, well-timed feeling. Trust me."

Having no reason not to trust the gut instinct of a fourteen-year-old with no real combat training or administrative experience, they all agreed. Except Misato, whose only response was a faint, blissful gurgle.

* * *

"So, Rei," Shinji said, trying not to look too desperate as he sat on the floor of her cell. "That's the situation. And… you should know. The Harbingers have been after you, too. I'm sorry to say it, but they aren't coming here to rescue you. They keep asking for some pass code, but that's it. I… I think they're under orders to… kill you." He hoped his gentle tone communicated all the pain he felt for informing her of her supposed allies coming to end her life.

"That is to be expected," she said.

Wait, no it isn't. Oh well. Who cares?

"So, will you help us?"

Rei looked down at the fresh bandages covering her wounds, and at the small bundle of Shinji's torn clothing stashed under her pillow. She gazed up into his eyes, and stood.

"I will aid you, Ikari-kun." _Sucker._

"Great," he said with a smiling exhalation. "Let's go. Your mech is in the hangar with the MazinEva! It should be ready to go."

"The One-Eyed Beast is ready?"

"… yeah, about that. Tell you what. Why don't we think of a new name for your machine, okay?"

"What is wrong with the One-Eyed Beast?"

"N-nothing. I just think we could do better."

"Perhaps something regarding its armaments? The Mech With The Big Hard Long Red Spear? No? What about the hot projectiles it spews from its single, slitted opening on its head? Perhaps something relating to that?"

"Hey! How about this? Let's just call it… Unit-00. How about that?"

Rei thought it over. Finally she nodded.

"It is acceptable."

"Terrific."

They reached the cages without speaking, because I didn't want them to. Heighten the drama or whatever. But as they stood below the grim visages of their respective machines, which for the purpose of this scene were in the same cage, Ritsuko blew a fuse trying to run the air-conditioner and the microwave at the same time. So Shinji and Rei sat in relative darkness for a while, and had a talk about how strong she was, and why they pilot, and what soap and shampoo he uses. But this chapter is already running long, so I'll skip right to the battle.

* * *

"Alright, Rei," Shinji said. "I'll rush him from the side once we're in position. While he's firing at me, you can swoop in and finish him off. Got it?" He willed the MazinEva! along the streets, staying outside his enemy's range. Or he would have, had Ritsuko's intel on the range been accurate. Shinji ducked, barely avoiding a laser.

"_Damn it, Akagi!"_ someone yelled in NERV.

"Crap!" Shinji said. "We're still not in position!"

Unit-01 ran back, out of Ramiel's firing range. Pursuing its enemies, the Harbinger attuned its senses to a wider range, bending its field of vision into an oval towards Shinji. But as it bent forward, it also bent backwards, spotting Rei in Unit-00.

"_Zero! You've taken up arms against us? You shall pay with your life!"_

Rei willed the wings from her back and attempted to take to the skies. Ramiel shot over her position, anticipating her escape. Her wings were severed and she plummeted to the ground. With a clear line of sight, the Harbinger focused its strength for a final, deadly shot.

"_We'll pry the pass code from your cold, dead brains!"_

Let it be known the Harbingers were not the brightest giant robots around.

Rei stared down her imminent death, feeling neither fear nor sadness. She closed her eyes and braced for the sensation of pain.

Surprisingly, it never came. And by surprisingly, I mean it wasn't surprising in the least.

She opened her eyes as the shot arced over her head. She gazed at Ramiel and found the MazinEva! atop its peak, struggling to stay upright.

"Rei!" Shinji shouted over the tac net. "Please throw me your spear!"

Now, the pilot of Unit-00 had two choices. To wait, and watch as the Harbinger would inevitably tip the boy over and fry his brain, or assist her captor, and abet his attempt to destroy her old ally.

_To hell with that,_ she thought. _That bastard tried to kill me. Time for some cube-whoopin'._

Rei threw her spear, just as Ramiel fired at her to punish the girl for her selfish decision not to die earlier. She vanished from sight as the beam enveloped Unit-00.

"Rei!" Shinji screamed, since he really couldn't do jack-shit to help her at the moment. He caught her weapon, and heaved it over his head. A grim look settled over his face.

"_Wait!"_ Ramiel pleaded. _"You can't kill me now! I'm the Harbinger of Two-Episode Battles! Two! I have to last until next time!"_

"How about I let your corpse rot in the street until next time?" The pilot curled his lips into what he hoped was a chilling smile of feral bloodlust, but it came out as more of a constipated grimace. It was sort of pointless either way since the Harbinger couldn't see him. "Say hello to computer Satan for me." _Good lord, did I really just say that?_ "Big Borrowed Spear Kill Kill Attack!" _Good, lord, did I really just say that too?_

Without further hesitation, he jammed the spear into the Harbinger's apex, twisting the weapon as it dug deeper. It stopped firing its beam, and faltered, tumbling to the broken street below. The drill snapped in two and the cube burst into flames. The battle was over. Finally. I'm sick of writing action.

* * *

Shinji left the MazinEva! at the ruins of the broken Harbinger, sprinting to Unit-00. Which wasn't that smart. The blue mech was some five hundred yards away. Let's just say he needed the exercise.

"Rei! Rei!" He climbed up to the mech's skull, again triggering the release hatch for the cockpit, again peering through the dramatically placed mist that billowed out. "Rei! Are you okay!?"

The vapor slowly parted, revealing the pilot within. And my creative inabilities. I mean, doesn't this remind you exactly of that scene in chapter one where he saves Rei? I suck.

"Rei!"

_Rei,_ the girl thought. _Yes, that is my name now. Rei._

"Thank God," Shinji said, seeing her face. "Oh, thank God."

"Why would you thank a deity for your success? I did not observe anything descend from the heavens and assist you."

"I know, I just glad you're alive, Rei."

"Why?"

"Well…" Shinji swallowed. "I'd like to think you're my friend."

To be clear, Shinji would like to think a lot of things, but that doesn't make them true. Or plausible.

"A friend? Even though I have and will continue to try to kill you?"

"Nobody's perfect," he said. "Don't worry about it. And… and you shouldn't feel obligated to a job that hurts you. You're strong, Rei. Stronger than me, I'm sure. You should live your life the way you want, no matter what anyone says. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to fight against your former allies, but whatever you do, even if you do fight against me, I hope you do what makes you feel the best."

That came out of nowhere.

"Feel the best?" Rei repeated in a wispy tone. "No one has ever told me to care about things like that." She shifted. "Forgive me. I do not even know how I should feel, or what I should do right now, though I suppose I should be happy."

"Well, if you're happy, maybe you should smile."

She looked at him, but her face held no happiness. He blushed a little.

"S-sorry. Come on; let me help you out of there."

Rei stared at the offered hand. After a moment's hesitation, she slipped her own into his, and gazed up into his face. He was tired and weary, but still managed to smile for her benefit. She was unsettled by the deep, tranquil blue of his watering eyes, and soft beauty of his features and the gentle curve of his lips. Rei felt unfamiliar, foreign emotions and feelings invade her heart, an organ she never knew was capable of holding so many sensations. She had always felt that she was different, alien, incapable of normal human emotion, incapable of experiencing and expressing the feelings that so easily flowed from those around her. That she was broken, incomplete.

But staring up into Ikari Shinji's eyes, his strong hand wrapped protectively around her own small one, the heat of his body, the warmth of his kind soul flooding into her, Rei did what any normal, human girl would do.

She vomited blood all over his face and chest.

"I appear to be critically injured," she said, and immediately passed out.

"That was the worst possible way for this to end," Shinji said.

And he was right. But it _was_ an ending, and that was all that mattered. To me. Therefore, it was all that mattered.

* * *

Round 3! Over!

Or

I Really Can't Believe I'm Still Writing This

Author notes: staying consistently offbeat is tougher than I thought it would be. I'm not going to say any part of this story has been funny, though. That's entirely up to you, the reader. I just write the fic. However you want to interpret it is fine by me. Think this is a comedy? Great. Did you find The Second Other to be funny as well? At least, unintentionally funny? Super.

The 17 Comforts of Cirrhosis apartment complex. I read in the actual series, Misato's apartment is in the Comfort 17 complex, whatever the hell that means. And the "sweet baby Jesus cookies on Christmas" line ain't mine either. A million worthless Kadmon Happy Dollars to anyone who knows where it is from.

I just do not know where all these dirty jokes involving Rei come from. I need help.

So Asuka isn't a great pilot in this. It's a cheap gag, but women in anime rarely get a fair deal. I've lost count of the shows I've watched where the females are whiny, or subservient, or weak, or defenseless, or merely objects for the male cast to hit on. That's partly why I like Eva. It's a bitch slap to convention. Even though the girls in the series have moments of weakness, the guys are no different. Every character is incredibly flawed (except Ibuki. She's just too adorable to be anything but flawless). No real good or bad, just a lot of ugly grey.

Now, in fanfiction, it's a different story. Literally. /

I shut up now.


	4. Round 4!

Adam "Treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry" Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. Or anything else.

* * *

We now join our heroes in medias res since I can't think of any other way to start this chapter.

"So we really get to go to the beach for no reason other than we need a fresh scene setting?" Asuka asked with a wide grin as she leaned forward on NERV's conference room table, and since they all look essentially the same it shouldn't matter which specific room it was.

"For the eighth time, yes," Misato said. "I felt we all needed a break and deserved a treat. It was either this or Shinji-kun giving me another massage. But after I insured his hands last week the bank threw some lame thirty day waiting period before the thing kicks in."

"And that's why he has oven mitts duct taped around his hands?"

"Yeah." She threw a leering smile at Shinji. "Also, I want to get the hell out of here until that cube Harbinger is cleaned up. Shinji-kun really knows how to… make a mess." The vague sexual innuendo flew over everyone's head except Asuka, Ritsuko, Maya, Aoba, Hyuga, and the class of second-graders visiting NERV on a field trip. Meaning it flew over Shinji's head. "Anyway, everything's already cleared with the Commander so all we have to do is pick a date."

"How exactly did you get him to agree to this?" Ritsuko asked.

"Oh, I have my ways," she said smugly, buffing her nails on her shirt.

"And do those ways include the missing bricks of heroin Section-2 found in the lockers yesterday?"

"Yes. Yes they do." Misato straightened her jacket.

"So that's where they went," Aoba muttered.

"Incidentally," the Captain went on, "if any of you want to ask the Commander for anything, now's the time. Aoba, that raise you've been angling for is yours for the taking. Hyuga, the citations for downloading porn on company time are begging to be lifted. Maya, well, whatever you want, I guess."

"Same-sex marriage benefits for NERV employees!" the young tech squealed.

As was her wont with her student's liberal beliefs, Ritsuko ignored her completely.

"What does the Sub-Commander think about this outing?"

"You know, I'm not sure," Misato said. "To tell the truth, he hasn't really been playing an important role in this whole war thing. At least, not until its end."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. What's important is that we're going to the beach! So kids, you pack the food, I'll handle the booze. In the unlikely event any of you have friends, they can tag along too. This is going to be a blast!"

As she was about to close the meeting with a gavel she fashioned from an empty beer can, Shinji meekly raised his hand.

"But…" He gulped as all eyes fell on him. "What if another Harbinger attacks while we're away?"

Misato tapped her finger against her lower lip, humming as she thought.

"We'll take the MazinEva! with us! It'll provide logistical support, and help clear out all the losers from the beach. Good idea, Shinji-kun."

"And nice ass."

Shinji watched the other members of NERV celebrate their upcoming vacation, knowing he alone held a bad feeling about the upcoming event. It wasn't his empathic abilities or extensive training to trust his instincts. It was a far more personal reason, coupled with the fact that the conversation turned to purchasing new bathing suits. Shinji clutched his own clothing to his body, hoping he'd be able to escape the embarrassment of appearing in swimming trunks.

It was pure compassion that held a smile on his face as Asuka and then Misato asked his opinion on the suits they were planning to buy. And then they started talking about underwear for some reason. But still he smiled out of compassion. Compassion for his fellow humans, and the blind hope that this chapter would end without him being mortified or horribly wounded.

As I rechecked the parody classification on this story, I knew it wouldn't.

* * *

MazinEva! Round 4!

The Worst Beach Party Ever

Or

The Best Beach Party Ever

* * *

"Thanks," Hikari told Asuka as they perused the labyrinthine aisles of a trendy clothing outlet. "It's been ages since I've gone to the beach. It's so nice of you to invite me."

"Forget about it," the redhead muttered, intensely focused at the task at hand. That was locating a really hot swimsuit to get Shinji's attention. Among other things. "This one's kind of cute, but the whole thing's sheer… that one's pretty but it's missing a crotch…"

"Um, Asuka?"

"Yeah? Oh! This one's adorable! Look at the fishnet!"

"We're shopping for bathing suits, right? Why are we in the lingerie department?"

Asuka's entire body sagged as she lost her enthusiasm for under aged seduction.

"Because… because all the suits in my size are… like for little kids. They have stars and flowers printed on them, and come with plastic sand pails. The ones I want are… too big for me."

"Oh really?" an amused voice behind her called out. The girls turned and found Misato swinging her shopping bags by her waist. "Too big, you say? You are a child after all, Asuka-chan. Children should stick to kid stuff. Leave the adult things to grown-ups." The toothy grin plastered over her face did little to remove her own appearance of immaturity as she ruffled the girl's hair.

Asuka snapped her head up and bit through three of the woman's fingers. Misato staggered backwards, screaming in agony. The girl slammed her foot down on her foe's kneecap, breaking it in half. Then she got angry. Asuka's daydreams tend to get like that.

"Asuka? You okay? You're convulsing and foaming." Misato shrugged it off. "Hey! Want to see my new bathing suit? It's totally hot." She triumphantly held up her latest purchase. "Ta-da!"

"Where is it?" Hikari squinted. "All I see is a hanger."

"You have to look _real_ hard. It's sort of like one of those Magic Eye things."

Hikari looked past the hanger.

"Oh, now I see it." She paused to blush, realizing how little it would cover. "Goodness. That's a bit scandalous, Katsuragi-san."

So those two know each other already? Whatever. Saves me some trouble.

"Yeah," Asuka agreed as she regained lucidity. "Just who exactly are you trying to impress, Misato?"

"Oh, oh no one! No one at all! I just… want to get as much sun as I can."

And by sun, she meant son. Specifically, the Commander's son. The legitimate one.

"_Pardon the interruption,"_ the mall loudspeaker intoned, _"but would the owner of a 2005 blue Alpine Renault, license plate '2BigUns' please report to the parking lot. It is being confiscated by the police in connection to a drug bust. Thank you."_

Misato sprinted out of the store with the threat of incarceration looming over her head like a hazy cloud of freebased narcotics.

As the two girls were left alone again, Asuka subtly shifted her position to block Hikari from the exit. They continued to rifle through the clothes racks but thoughts of bathing suits were quietly being pushed aside.

"Say," Asuka said, trying too hard to sound casual. She might have succeeded if she hid the underlining sadism that colored every word she spoke. "What do you think of Shinji?"

Not for the first time when socializing with her friend, Hikari felt bowel-openingly terrified. She smoothed her school uniform dress in a desperate attempt to keep her legs from galloping away.

"Wh-what do you mean? I hardly know him."

"Yeah, but he's the topic of every conversation I have to break up at school." And by break, she meant break.

"You mean people still blame him for the attacks?"

"No," Asuka said, still not facing Hikari. "A lot of the dirty, dirty sluts at school think he's hot. And some of the boys talk about him piloting like a super model just moved in next door. I'll be dead and rotting before Shinji learns the word yaoi. But I can't trust anyone with him." She paused a moment. "Anyone."

Hikari hoped her bowels would hold out just a bit longer.

"I don't like him, Asuka. I mean, I do like him, but not, you know, like him like him." She almost told her not to worry but decided against it. Telling Ms. Soryu what to do regarding her emotions was akin to using a nuclear bomb as a piñata.

Asuka considered her words, then turned to look her in the eye.

"I don't believe you."

"What? What do you mean you—"

"I mean I don't believe you don't like him. It's impossible not to. So I'm going to ask you again and you're going to tell me the Goddamn truth this time." She began closing in on her like a child getting ready to kick a cowering puppy. "Okay?"

In a single panic-filled breath, Hikari recalled her history with the fiery German… firebrand. It began as many of her friendships did, with a simple inquiry by her as to the girl's feelings. She was class representative after all. She had been class representative as long as she could remember and no one could tell her otherwise. Not even the therapist her father sent her to.

Anyway. Asuka was looking rather down in school ever since her only friend, Shinji, moved away after his mother's tragic and as yet unexplained death. Hikari's own memories of the boy fell into a convenient hole in the plot. She felt sorry for the misshapen foreigner and decided that being her friend might cheer her up, and make her an even bigger favorite with the teaching faculty. Which it did. Hikari always struck me as a bit of a brownnoser.

So the girls became friends. Sleepovers, playing with dolls, gun safety training… I don't know what the hell little girls do, they did it all. And Hikari did it with a smile on her face despite Asuka's frequent attempts to cut her hair short and make her wear blue contacts. Even now she had to be on the lookout whenever scissors were nearby. It wasn't a perfect friendship, what with the physical abuse of the student body Hikari had to cover up every day, misdirecting the authorities from the redhead's protection racket, or that mysterious occasion the entire girl's dance club disappeared after comparing Asuka's audition to an extended seizure episode by a one-legged simian crack addict with an inner ear infection, but it was a friendship they both cherished. Maybe cherish is too strong a word. But it was what Hikari was genuinely hoping for as Asuka closed the gap between them as she waited for an answer that would probably force one of them to miss the beach party by way of evisceration.

"Um… well… I…" Hikari's thoughts raced at a feverish pace. _I have to tell her something! Sure, Ikari-kun's cute, and heroic, and smells really nice, and— No! Don't think that way! You like to live, remember!? But I have to tell her something!_

"I'm still waiting."

"I…" Hikari quickly reviewed the other boys in class, hoping one would serve as a plausible cover until she could properly think the situation over. But due to her panicky nature regarding Asuka and Asuka's impending murder-filled doom, she blurted out the first name that came to her. In hindsight it was probably the boy's overwhelmingly rancid body odor that put him first and foremost in her mind. "I like Suzahara-kun!"

Asuka peered at her as she weighed her words.

"I don't believe you."

"No! Really! I'm, um, really attracted to his… uh… his…" She trailed off as she frantically searched for a single redeemable trait from Toji. In the end, mostly due to the homicidal glint swirling in her friend's eyes, she lied. "I like his sensitive side."

Asuka brought a hand to her chin as she thought, struggling to comprehend the notion that a girl didn't adore her Shinji. She tilted her head slightly and her words were deliberate and amazed.

"So you're telling me… you _don't_ like Shinji? You like… someone… else?" As if contemplating the nature of God or infinity, Asuka shook her head slowly. "Really?"

"Really!"

"Really?" She shrugged. "Huh. Okay, I guess. I can't condone it, and I think you could do better, but okay. Whatever floats your boat." Her smile and good humor returned in a flash. "Well, great! I'd hate to have to make you disappear." She laughed, but it was a tad on the manic side. "We are friends after all, right?"

"Right," Hikari said. She then excused herself to sprint to the restroom for the rest of the scene.

"Right," Asuka repeated as she turned back to the clothing racks and picked up a slinky set of garters. "Hmm… these might just get in the way."

Like an ice cube whipped at her stomach a sudden chill stole over her. It was not something she was accustomed to feeling at such an intense level. She wasn't used to feeling it at all but she had plenty of secondhand testimony from every person who ever met her. Asuka turned and spotted through the dense crowd a pale girl with blue hair.

_Her!_

The fact that Rei was not inside NERV's detention center passed over Asuka. Blind rage will do that. It will also lend superhuman strength to a hormonal and temperamental teenager, as Asuka displayed by plowing though the throng of shoppers separating her waxen foe from death.

"You!" she hissed, coming up behind the girl at a rack of clothes. "What are you doing out of your kennel?"

"Shopping," Rei said. She turned away.

"For what? A collar for your next dog show?"

"The clothes NERV issued me are inadequate and I do not wish to trouble Ikari-kun for new garments."

Mostly because whenever she was alone with him her imagination went on lengthy, explicitly depraved fantasies. It was getting to be distracting. And it was diverting her from her true mission of all the death and bloodshed and stuff.

"There's an easier way to stop annoying Shinji," Asuka said. "Just kill yourself."

"As tempting as that sounds, there are things I must accomplish before I die." Specifically, all the death and bloodshed and stuff.

"Things, huh? You mean seducing my Shinji and forcing your fat pallid ass on his pure untarnished perfection?"

"As tempting as that sounds, there are things I must accomplish before I die."

"You keep away from Shinji's thighs!" Asuka growled, remembering chapter one.

_Only his thighs?_ Rei thought. _I suppose if I were to simply sit on his face I would not be violating that veiled threat. But if I were to complete the position in a true sixty-nine I would inevitably touch his thighs. Hmm. A conundrum._

"... daydream about being a normal human with an actual chance of ever getting Shinji to look at you beyond the profound pity and disgust he can only feel for you now and go—"

"Excuse me," Rei said, interrupting Asuka's shrieking tirade with a whispered monotone only the way Rei could, "but would you kindly shut that gaping void emitting those incomprehensible shrill noises that resemble a deaf primate attempting to speak our language and smells like the afore mentioned ape's soiled backside? Or as you call it, your mouth?"

"Oh that is _it!_" the redhead roared. She raised her fists of Germanic death. "I'll slaughter you like a Polish pacifist! Let's go!"

The ensuing fight was less than impressive. For Asuka. Every punch she threw Rei effortlessly dodged, stepping just out of reach to make her opponent look stupid and uncoordinated. Not that Asuka didn't hit anything. The crowd of shoppers was quickly halved as her errant blows cut a swath through other teens, the elderly, women and children.

"Stand still you sallow cow! Fight like the bitch you are!"

Rei didn't bother answering, and instead continued to evade, furtively drawing Asuka to where she wanted her. An infinitesimal smirk crossed her lips and she abruptly stopped, readying her devastating retaliation.

"Excuse me, sir," Rei said to a security guard standing watch over an expensive set of Sanrio silk underwear. "This ugly girl is responsible for decimating your store."

The guard snapped out his daily fantasy of decimating the store and looked over the decimated store.

"Mother trucker!" He blew a whistle and Asuka was immediately surrounded by a poorly trained, underpaid security force. "Apprehend that ugly girl!"

Another unimpressive fight began. For the security guards. Asuka mercilessly beat the living hell out of them, introducing their nightsticks to various orifices on their bodies, as well as creating new orifices.

After doling out the necessary brutality to the fools who dared try to touch her, Asuka searched for her true enemy through the fires which somehow erupted during the match. But Rei was gone.

"Shiest!" she swore, her native tongue completely butchered by the author. That's when she saw the SWAT team enter the building.

* * *

Her report to the police done, Rei switched off one of the collection of cell phones she stole from Asuka's Section-2 detail. She hefted the crate of burgled clothes she obtained at the now ruined outlet and began walking back to NERV. She paused as her stomach mewed in want of food. Normally a stomach would growl, but Rei was very dainty. So were her organs.

After negotiating with a street vendor by means of a taser to the face and making off with his popcorn cart, Rei resumed her journey. Her legs moved on automatic as her mind wandered over her current situation in life.

The partial abandonment of her mission, the sole reason for her existence, was not surprising. Her masters, who I suppose will still be known as SEELE, weren't exactly keen on employee benefits. She was little more than a slave to them; if it wasn't endless hours of floating nude in a glass cylinder, it was pilot training by destroying their childhood enemies who bullied them in school, or continual cosplay to satisfy the latent pedophilia every adult she met suffered under. A life in a prison cell owned by morons was infinitely preferable to that.

True, NERV was operated by would-be child molesters as well, but there was a larger buffer zone between thought and action. It was subsequently easier to carry out her orders. Yet one thing kept getting in her way. Rei munched on a few popcorn kernels and thought of Ikari Shinji.

He stirred unfamiliar and moist feelings in her. They were akin to her desires to murder and destroy, but refocused to murder and destroy their current respective isolation from other basic human interaction. And by interaction, she meant internal action.

Was it because he was the only non-perverted male she had met in her existence? Was it because he treated her as an equal deserving of respect and care? Or perhaps it was due to him being a total hottie.

Whatever the cause, Rei found an undeniable obstacle to her mission. One she needed to deal with before anything else.

_I could kill him,_ she thought. _Death must be served to all._ She continued walking. _… perhaps just a little death for him._

Rei wondered if maybe perchance her masters would possibly not mind if in their very restricted wisdom they might consider allowing her to kill all of humanity save one.

That vendor must survive. His popcorn was quite tasty.

* * *

The MazinEva! lumbered past the line of small boardwalk shops and stepped onto the sand of Sainan beach. After a moment of subdued shock for the other beach-goers, all non-NERV personnel promptly packed up and vacated in a calm, orderly fashion. Actually, they completely panicked and abandoned all their possessions where they fell, tearing through one another in a mad dash to escape whatever catastrophic hell was about to befall the scenic getaway. Misato made sure to thank them for their contributions as they passed her. Which was fortunate, considering she forgot entirely about the booze. And Asuka opted not to pack any food as any form of labor, or kindness to others, was beneath her. Also, she didn't have time after escaping from jail.

Unit-01 bent down on one knee and its eyes dimmed. The entry plug spun out from its back and Shinji opened the hatch. He blinked in the bright sun and gasped for breath free of the LCL.

"Shinji!" Asuka shouted in joy as she ran over the sand towards him. She was determined to be the first to show him her bathing suit. A quick glance over her shoulder assured her that Misato was currently too busy scavenging the deserted camps for alcohol to pose any threat. The redhead was both pleased and disgusted by her one-track mind.

Cracking a fresh cooler open with her foot, Misato glanced at Asuka running towards Shinji like an idiot. She felt confident that although the girl might reach him first, her superior man skills and ability to hold liquor would ultimately keep the boy's attention where it belonged. And the suit she had on told everyone she was more than twice the woman Asuka was. Literally. Misato had measured.

"Shinji!" Asuka called again, waving. She told herself the only reason he wasn't eating out of her hand yet was that he had yet to take a good look at what she was wearing. Which given her age and my reluctance for fourteen-year-olds to engage in any even remotely sexual activity, was quite small. Yet at the same time it gave credence to her nickname of Big Red. Not that she was large or actually red like a lobster, but you get the cheap joke.

Ugh.

Anyway. Shinji, still hanging out the entry plug hatch and adorned in his usual school uniform, motioned for Asuka to wait a moment, then ducked back through the opening. A moment later he reappeared carrying a strange, lumpy beach towel. At least that was what Asuka wanted to believe he was carrying. She continued to tell herself that as he descended to the ground via a Gundam (™)-inspired towline, and when he gently placed the towel on her feet.

"Your assistance is appreciated, Ikari-kun," Rei said. She was wearing, much to Asuka's continued chagrin, a really cute one-piece. It didn't show nearly as much skin as hers, but it displayed a modest, classical charm. And a ton of leg.

"No problem, Rei," Shinji told her.

"What is she doing here?" Asuka growled through gritted teeth as she jabbed a finger at the girl. "She's a prisoner, Shinji."

"Well, technically, but Rei did save everyone's life during the last battle at the risk of her own."

No one bothered to tell him he was the deciding factor in the struggle against Ramiel. Actually, they did, repeatedly, but you know him. A complete idiot.

"Besides," he continued, inexplicably not feeling very safe next to Asuka at the moment, "I thought the sea air might help her recover faster from her perpetual injuries. It was the least I could do." He kept an arm near her, lest she collapse from the wounds he felt he caused.

"No, the least you could do would be to leave her alone. This is like the most you could do. Or should do." Asuka stamped her foot. "Shinji, she tried to kill you, remember?"

"Kind of, but that shouldn't be a reason not to be friends with her."

Rei quickly hid the switchblade hovering near Shinji's neck.

"How are you feeling, Rei?" he asked. "I know the trip was a lot…"

"I'll bet," Asuka muttered.

"… but are you okay to walk over to the camp where the others are?"

Enjoying the new and unique experiences of someone asking how she felt and tending to her every need, Rei was nonetheless resolute in her confidence of her faculties. Though she was hurt, she wasn't helpless.

Then she looked at Asuka.

"I feel lightheaded. Your continued assistance would be appreciated, Ikari-kun."

"No problem."

Rei couldn't help but give a small gasp (which for her was measured in the same realm of sounds as dog whistles or insect coughs (meaning it was really, really soft. Not that she sounded like a dog or an insect (not that all dogs and insects sound horrible but for all intents and purposes most people think they sound ugly, hence the explanation))) as he did not simply offer a supportive arm like she expected. Oh no. He scooped her legs up behind her knees and cradled her back, carrying her completely. Despite her quiet pride and self-sufficiency, she found it agreeable.

"You can rest your head on my shoulder if you need to, Rei," Shinji said.

_Okie-dokie._

"Shinji!" Asuka fumed. As he turned to look at her, and by extension so did Rei who was firmly nestled into his neck, the redhead pouted. "Um… I feel a little weak too, running all that way in the hot sun." She semi-swooned, listing on her feet.

"Oh dear," Shinji said in worry. "Well I can't carry both of you…" He frowned for a moment as he thought. "I know!"

"You'll drop that pale assassin and cuddle me?"

"Toji-san can carry you!"

"_What?"_ She spun around as the jock was about to breathe near her. "What the hell are _you_ doing here!?"

"Shinji carried me," Toji said, trying hard to keep all of his paltry muscles clenched as he spoke with Asuka.

"Why would he invite you? And why on earth would you agree? You hate him!"

He nervously scratched his bare chest. Making Asuka's breakfast threaten to make an unscheduled reappearance.

"Well," he said, "I talked with my sister in the hospital as I weaved in and out of comas. Odd, since I can't even remember how I wound up in there. Anyway, she convinced me I shouldn't have hit him like I did, and she made me promise to apologize. So I did. He's actually a pretty cool guy, you know? But not too cool. I'm still cooler than he is. So can I touch you now?"

Walking towards the party Shinji glanced above him as Toji, a nearly indistinguishable bloody blur, rocketed over him towards an outcropping of nasty looking breakers. Before he could ponder the nature of his newfound friend's ability to fly a soft voice by his ear demanded his full attention.

"Ikari-kun," Rei said. "The bruise on my chin hurts. Would you administer the medicine you gave me earlier?"

"O-of course," he replied, blushing a little. Despite the other people around them now he couldn't deny anyone a direct request. Especially an injured girl in his arms. He raised her chin and gently placed his lips on it. "Better?"

She nodded and settled back into his arms.

"I do not know what painkillers are contained within your lips, but they do make me feel better."

"There aren't any drugs in them, Rei," he said with another blush. "It's just supposed to make you feel emotionally better about being injured by showing someone cares about you, and that they're sad you're hurt. It was something my mother used to do for me when I got cuts or scrapes. I remembered it always made the pain go away, so I thought it might work for you, too." He paused. "Not that we're anything like a mother and son. Then this would just be creepy. And illegal, I think."

"Why?"

Before he could expound on the inappropriateness of incest, of which he was a near expert given his time with Master Kaji and the man's impressive H manga collection, his attention was diverted by the scene change right below this sentence.

* * *

Soon the party was off to a rousing success, at least to Misato who was already three sheets to the wind despite less than a half hour passing since they arrived. Hyuga and Aoba, too entranced by her bathing suit, decided to overlook their commanding officer's raging alcoholism yet again. Maya was too busy drooling over Ritsuko, who was under a beach umbrella engaged with a new science journal which shone new light on the Mechological theory that the main character in a drama needed to be a virgin. Misato requested a full summary. Kensuke was there too, but no one cared. Also, I forgot to mention earlier that Hikari regained control of her bowels and was there as well, hard at work pretending to fawn over Toji whenever Asuka was around. For his part, Toji was trying to appear buff for both the redhead and the intoxicated older woman in the skimpy swimsuit. Shinji, having just emptied his fifteenth bottle of SPF six thousand on Rei sat back and smiled at the scene, glad to be around friends and not fighting to stay alive for once.

How wrong he was.

"Shinji?"

He looked up at Asuka who decided to cover herself in a sundress to keep Toji's roaming eyes off her body. She suppressed the nearly overpowering urge to take several dozen long showers. And the blinding rage she was experiencing after watching her beloved tend so carefully to Rei.

"Yeah, Asuka?"

"Everybody's going swimming. Want to come with me?" She paused and realized what she just asked him. "Ah! I mean, I mean come in the water with me? Ah! I mean, let's go swimming!"

"Swimming? Uh, well…" He tugged his shirt self-consciously. "I don't know…"

Asuka puzzled over his hesitation.

_Maybe he's just shy about taking his shirt off. Or maybe this is the greatest opportunity I've ever had in my entire life._

"Come on!" she said playfully, latching onto his arm and pulling him to his feet. "Don't be a stick in the mud. We're at the beach, silly. We _have_ to go swimming." She was able to pull him along with little reluctance towards a secluded cove near the tail end of the beach.

Rei never saw them leave, buried under several hundred applications of sun block. Misato was too drunk, and everyone else was otherwise occupied since I don't feel like going through the entire list again.

"Come on, Shinji," Asuka was saying, dragging him along. "Don't tell me you've never gone swimming before."

"Not exactly. I think my Master had a frightening experience with the ocean once. Something about crabs. We never went swimming. Though we did spend a lot of time around women in bathing suits."

"So you don't know how?"

He colored in shame and shook his head, no.

_Great,_ she thought, pulling him to the isolated cove. _Just the two of us, away from all those idiots and sluts. The perfect setting to show him everything I know._

She giggled, her mind awash with images that required an M rating to describe. Not that she really knew anything, but Asuka sometimes liked to build herself up. As things stood her knowledge regarding human mating lay somewhere between her mother's abstractly scientific speech about input/output docking procedures and watching the tail end of a nature documentary showcasing a clan of chimpanzees. So, no, she wasn't exactly sure what the hell she was doing.

But would Shinji know what to do? Find out in the exciting lemon side story I'll never write!

Anyway, as the two fourteen-year-olds (remember that? They're fourteen, people. That is really, really young. Get your minds out of the gutter) crested the rocky outcropping of the cove, Asuka turned back to him wearing a dazzling smile.

"Don't worry, Shinji. I'll teach you how to swim. I'm the perfect teacher." And she was. She latched onto anyone she instructed, not letting them get away until she was satisfied they learned something or died. Either or. It was something her mother wanted her to seek therapy for.

"You don't have to go through any trouble for me," he said in obvious apprehension.

"No trouble at all." She flung her sundress over her head because I know some of you Asuka fanboys want to imagine her flinging her sundress over her head. God, they're _fourteen_. Anyway, she tried to strike an alluring pose without seeming too obvious. Of course, her entire comprehension of what was alluring stemmed from a composite pool of information garnered from her stint as a shota manga author and her own inflated sense of unsurpassable beauty. "Time to get wet, Shinji!"

"I don't know," he said, edging backwards.

"Oh, come on," she said, pulling him towards the shoreline. "Let's get you out of that stuffy shirt…"

As she preparing to help him out of his top or pounce on him, or a frenzied combination of both, she cried out in agony.

"Asuka!?"

"Ow! I stepped on something…" A crumpled jellyfish was firmly pressed under her left heel. The wound was already dark and swollen. "Ow!" she whimpered, falling to her knees, dragging Shinji with her. "This really hurts!"

While getting stung by a jellyfish is painful, Asuka was really milking it for all it was worth. Her mind began to wander off a few steps into a very pleasant fantasy involving Shinji trying everything to lessen her pain. And I mean everything. The fact that her foot had ballooned to the size of a basketball was far away from her at the moment.

"Don't worry, Asuka," Shinji said, standing up. "I know what to do. I watched a nature documentary about this once." He unhooked his belt and dropped his pants. "Human urine can act in place of vinegar to counteract the nematocysts in jellyfish stings. Luckily, as a male, I am less inclined to urinary tract infections, thus making my urine more likely to be considered sterile. Please bear with me."

By now he was talking to himself. Asuka's vivid fantasy coupled with Shinji actually dropping trou in front of her knocked the consciousness right out her. Save for an indistinguishable flash of skin she saw nothing of her love's attributes. Which she would thoroughly curse herself for later. Her imagination, and her resurfacing manga career would have to do. For now.

"Oh, Asuka," Shinji lamented. "The pain was too much. Don't worry. I'll take you back to the others. Maybe Dr. Akagi will know what else to do."

Which she wouldn't.

He paused in his pre-firing aiming when he saw the sting had swelled even more, showing the signs of an allergic reaction.

Actually, wait a second. This is getting too weird, even for me. Let's skip ahead a bit.

Shinji reluctantly removed his shirt and wrapped Asuka's foot in the hopes of counteracting the inflammation. He could have used her dress but it mysteriously vanished after I realized where I wanted this chapter to go. And he didn't think she'd appreciate having an expensive-looking outfit soaked in his pee. Again, he was wrong.

He deftly scooped her into his arms and hotfooted it back to the rest of the party, desperately hoping both for his friend's wellbeing and that they wouldn't take notice of his shirtless appearance.

But since the two of paying attention to this story are sick of my beating around the bush regarding what the hell is up with Shinji, Toji suddenly popped up from the hole in the sand the others buried him in because they hate him and collided with him, sending the three teens tumbling to the ground.

Now without the comfort of any kind of cover, Shinji cringed and shut his eyes, knowing it was only moments before everyone started in on him and—

"Dude," Toji said in awe. "You're _jacked_."

Shinji slumped his shoulders. His well-rounded, broad shoulders. His steely chest heaved a sigh while his tight, tight six-pack clenched involuntarily. His biceps swelled and pulsed as he held Asuka close, still concerned with her wellbeing even in the face of public humiliation.

"And why are your nipples pierced?" Toji went on, desperately trying not to stare and at the same time mentally reaffirm his sexuality. "And what's up with those tattoos around your belly button? Is it like religious or something?"

The weary and well-built pilot sighed, knowing it was hopeless to try and escape. The damage was done. He also knew that while his muscles were lean and taut, they weren't grotesquely large. He was sleek and tightly packed, and had a disturbingly mesmerizing affect on women around him. Men too.

"The symbols are Tantric," he answered reluctantly, "and are supposed to help control the chi flowing to and from my, well, center."

"Isn't your center your heart?"

"Not the way I was taught."

"… and the nipple rings?"

"Part of my Master's training. He felt it imperative I strengthen my nipples' dexterity and resilience."

"… why?"

"I won't pretend to know why Master did everything he did. All I know is he had my best interests at heart." That was what Shinji wanted to believe despite a lifetime of examples to the contrary. He somberly looked down at the rosy pink nubs on his chest. "But I guess I can't argue with the results. I can pull a school bus with one of them, yet I can detect the slightest change in temperature or humidity. Sensitivity was heightened."

"You don't say," Toji muttered, reaching for a towel to drape around him. He felt like a manatee next to his new friend. "Well, I have to get going to the gym."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, right now. I won't be leaving it for the next few years."

Or chapters. Whichever.

Shinji heaved another sigh as Toji left, wishing he just stayed in bed this morning. He picked up a convulsing Asuka and quickly started back towards the rest of his friends.

Just as he crested the final sand dune overlooking the beach party, a giant underwater explosion out at sea sounded, marking this chapter's descent into action.

"Shit," Adam said.

* * *

Gaghiel, the Harbinger of Impractical Attack Ranges, surfaced a few hundred feet out from Sainan beach. Any closer and it'd be grounded. It was a pretty big fish thing.

"No doubt about it," Ritsuko said, peering through a pair of binoculars from under the relative safety of her beach umbrella. "It's a Harbinger. Good thing we brought Unit-01 along today. Good and convenient. Who would have thought we'd get attacked? Honestly? Who, I ask you, who?"

"Anywun wit'a haf'a bran monkey thumbs?" Misato slurred, sufficiently drunk.

"Shut your putrid face hole, you booze whore. Shinji-kun, get in the MazinEva!. It's up to you to defend our beach party."

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. He gently dropped Asuka off and asked Ritsuko to tend to her, which the doctor promptly didn't. Shinji sprinted off to Unit-01 before anyone could see him. _Thank goodness for life and death battles to decide the fate of the human race._

"_I am the white whale!"_ Gaghiel roared. _"Come and face me or I will be forced to stay here forever, in this same spot, because it is the closest I can get to your city. Come and face your completely avoidable doom!"_

"Well, it does have a point," Shinji muttered as the MazinEva! hummed to life around him. "Could we maybe just let it swim around out there?"

"_And allow the hell it would wreak on the Pacific waters' transport of Sanrio merchandise?"_ Ritsuko asked over the comm. line which she somehow obtained since her last appearance. _"I do not think so, young man."_

Maya ardently agreed. So did Aoba for some reason.

"Now gesh goin, yu shtud," Misato belched out, along with the last few beers she consumed. "Aww, fusk," she tried to swear, looking down at her soiled swimsuit. She started peeling it off. Aoba and Maya cheered. Hyuga's nose hemorrhaged and he passed out. Asuka groaned softly in pain. Also, Kensuke was there but I hate him. And Rei was where I left her, or something. Moving on.

The MazinEva! leapt into the sea, ready to deal out a healthy dose mecha death.

Oh, right. Shinji can't swim.

Unit-01 sank like a rock, its heavy metal shod feet sinking into the grimy ocean floor. Gaghiel watched the mech's futile efforts to free itself and parted its teeth, intent on swallowing the purple robot whole. Of course, it has already been established the Harbingers aren't the brightest lot around, so instead of swallowing Shinji it simply bit his arm off.

"Not again!" he wailed.

The Harbinger circled around him and bared its teeth for a second strike. It closed in and opened its gaping mouth as its lower jaw plowed through the ocean's floor. Shinji willed the MazinEva! to jump and slammed his remaining fist into the Harbinger's upper teeth and his feet into the bottom row.

In a confused panic the beast rose up and broke the ocean's surface in an attempt to shake this little annoying robot off it freed of the water's buoyancy. It didn't work since that would have dragged the fight out. Shinji hung on for dear existence, and as he headed back down into the sea he spotted something floating in the water.

"_We're sending a weapon to help you keep living,"_ Ritsuko told him. _"And would it kill you to hold on with a little more grace? We are taping this you know."_

"Actually—"

"_Stop whining and end this already. I want some barbecue."_

Shinji pushed away from Harbinger and by blind luck and author intervention he managed to grab the weapon before he crashed into the water.

"This is the help I get," he sighed as he looked over his only chance to win. "A rowboat full of the fireworks Misato-san brought along for tonight." He bundled them under his arm and turned to the approaching Harbinger. "Now what kind of dumb attack name can I think of this time?"

"_Shinji-kun!"_ Ritsuko yelled over the comm. _"Forget about that! I upgraded the MazinEva!'s weapons systems and didn't care to tell you until this moment! You don't have to use partial voice commands from now on!"_

"Really? Why not?"

"_Because it isn't funny anymore! Now kill that son of a bitch!"_

The Harbinger rushed towards him and Shinji found himself in its mouth which was remarkably dry, since I want to end the fight quickly. It allowed him to light the fireworks with a giant matchbook stored in Unit-01's shoulder fin or something. The Evas have all sorts of hidden abilities that are supplied by the power of convenience.

The fireworks sparked to life and Shinji hurled them down the Harbinger's throat, then hastily punched through its teeth and escaped to the ocean.

He began sinking immediately. The Harbinger circled around and dove beneath him, intent on swallowing him yet again and then leaping above the surface of the water yet again in a completely pointless display of theatrics. Yet again.

Before it could the fireworks finally exploded and thanks to Gaghiel's unique stomach structure which was astonishingly susceptible to said fireworks, the Harbinger detonated like a balloon filled with things that blow up. The resulting shockwave buffeted Unit-01 up and out of the water and back onto the beach.

Shinji landed head first on a sand dune covering a really hard rock. But the pain was nothing compared to the relief he and I felt as the battle was finished.

* * *

Shinji staggered out of the MazinEva! clutching his right arm which hung limply at his side. He only made it a few steps before falling. Well, not falling, but getting tackled by Asuka. And then Misato. And then Hyuga, who tripped over a seashell after somehow regaining consciousness. Then the rest of the cast because this chapter hasn't had its quota of slapstick yet. Except Rei who was still buried in sun block I guess.

"Oh, my darling Shin-chan!" Misato wailed, now more or less sober after emptying her stomach sometime during the battle. "I was so scared! Granted I can't remember what happened for the last hour or so, but Dr. Bitch-at-me-because-I-passed-out-and-vomited-on-her-a-little told me you had to fight again by yourself! But you're safe in my arms now. And have you seen my bathing suit?"

Hyuga lost consciousness again after landing near Misato. So did Maya.

"Eep!" Hikari eeped as she was flattened on top of Shinji. Being so skinny she was forcibly squeezed through the tipsy, confused, partially nude pile of humanity, and found herself nose to nose with the boy. She had a brief glimpse of his toned body, then got to feel it squashed against her. For the first time she regretted wearing a one-piece.

"I don't believe we've been properly introduced," Shinji said politely.

"I lov—" Hikari began, but was hurled backwards as a delirious Asuka clawed her way through everyone to her beloved.

"My foot hurts!" she shrieked through the hallucinogenic haze of a severe allergic reaction. "And yellow wingless spiders are chasing my brains!"

Things went on in that fashion until I just wished this was over. But then I decided to end on a bad nipple-related joke.

"Shinji-kun," Misato said after regaining her bearings by flinging everyone else off the boy and staring down at him. A thin line of drool declared freedom from her mouth. "Not that I'm exactly complaining, but how are you so toned and why are your nipples pierced?"

* * *

Round 4! Dead and buried in the sand!

Author notes: need Misato ask? Cause I'm a freak. Suffer the all-encompassing moral depravity that forms my imagination. Incidentally, next chapter we find out why Shinji's nickname is "The Metallic Teabag."

The prerequisite beach episode is out of the way. Next up is the prerequisite how will we fight the enemy without any power episode. Wait. I have to murder Israfel before that.

Actually, Outside Perspective, I first heard about Sweet Baby Jesus Christmas Cookies in one of those old Robotech novelizations written in the eighties by Jack McKinney. I forgot which book, but I want to say Southern Cross. Been too long since I read it.

And yes, I did have to look up jellyfish sting treatment on the net for the terminology. Thanks, discovering hawaii dot com, since for some reason FFN won't let me write out actual web addresses.


	5. Round 5!

Adam "Jesus Punches" Kadmon

Disclaimer: I still don't own Eva, Hello Kitty, or DDR.

* * *

Ibuki Maya was having a bad day.

Even though her mentor and secret crush Ritsuko ordered her, yet again, to pick up her dry cleaning from the laundromat, which meant the doctor would favor her with a smile and a thank you, Maya was really starting to feel the pinch in her bank account. Not that she was obsessed with money, but being forced to move into progressively smaller and more dangerous apartments due to her sempai's seeming inability to pay for anything herself was beginning to take its toll. To afford all the laundry Maya was forced to sleep in her car for the past five nights after her heating was cut. Which was currently hurtling down the streets of Tokyo-3 as she desperately wished to complete her task as quickly as possible. Today was payday and if she hurried she could still make good on next month's rent and get the heat turned back on.

So as Maya turned the final corner, mulling over the inevitable, unpleasant interaction with the owner of the cleaners who never failed to hit on her despite her repeated but polite declarations that he drop dead, and her own unrequited love for a woman who by all accounts cared for her cats more than her student, it can be forgiven if Ms. Ibuki wasn't as alert as she normally was. Or should be.

"Oh my God!!" she cried as she slammed on her brakes.

Ikari Shinji was having a bad life.

Forced to part with his loving mother at the tender age of three, then having his father send him to a creepy deviant he met in the red light district a few years later which meant leaving his oldest friend in the world on her own, only to be called back before his strenuous training was complete to pilot a giant robot against other machines bent on both his death and the destruction of his world all the while attempting to make sense of his new surroundings to say nothing of the odd, desperate looks the majority of the females he met gave him, coupled with the increasingly hostile nature between Misato, Asuka and Rei all served to confuse and tire him. It was enough to send a boy into a deep, twenty-six episode depression or a violent rampage that would cost billions, both in terms of money and lives lost.

To top it all off, the proverbial icing on the cake, was that today he was scheduled to help Rei spruce up her cell with the Medieval theme she selected, meet Asuka for lunch at some restaurant called "The Joystick" she said was located in her bedroom, then head back to NERV for a synch test with the repaired Unit-01, and then Misato insisted he make a high stamina-boosting dinner for the two of them to celebrate his hands' insurance clause ending. And that was all _after_ he was expected to pick up all of their dry cleaning, which was really starting to drain his bank account. Not that he was obsessed with money, but being forced to perform sidewalk stunts for bus fare and lunch money was beginning to wear him out. He was still baffled over all the people who offered to take him home after he demonstrated his unique ability to shape intricate origami using only his tongue. Those all sold quite well, considering.

The lone aspect of his current life that didn't fill him with ego-border-collapsing terror was that no one seemed to recall his hot shirtless body last chapter. Misato was tipsy, Asuka was delirious, Rei was buried, and the rest of NERV rightfully avoided him like the dull, uninteresting burden Master Kaji always told him he was. Toji may remember, but his limited brain capacity perpetually deleted important life events for grotesque sexual fantasy.

Shinji wasn't sure about the other person he saw at the beach, the cute brown-haired girl with freckles. He supposed she attended his school, but seeing as how he only had one non-classroom scene there so far, he couldn't be certain. But he still fretted over meeting her again. Being unclothed around pretty girls always ended in embarrassment, which led to self-recrimination, which led to depression, which led to distraction as he beat the crap out of his pathetically feeble self-esteem.

So as Shinji retrieved the several dozen bags of clothes from the cleaners, barely able to carry them all, and still worrying over his present life, it can be forgiven if he was not as alert as he normally was. Or should be.

"Oh dear," he said as he watched a car hurtle towards him.

Given these facts, it can be forgiven that as Maya turned the corner to the cleaners, perhaps a bit too fast, she struck Shinji who was crossing the street, perhaps a bit too absentminded. Within the circumstances, it was perfectly forgivable. It fact, right before he passed out from the intense agony, he begged pardon for foolishly using a crosswalk on a busy street.

But Shinji's resulting broken leg and mild coma, which were perfectly forgivable remember, couldn't have come at a worse time. No, not because another Harbinger was attacking, but good guess. It was because this is a Kadmon parody fic. As such, Shinji is required by law to have at minimum two girls rabidly chasing after him. There are three so far in this one. And when those three get wind of this entirely forgivable accident the fate of one Ibuki Maya will be anything but pleasant.

Or forgivable.

* * *

MazinEva! Round 5!

Both Of You, Dance Like You Want To Kill Each Other!

Or

Fire And Ice, Rinse And Repeat

* * *

It was funny. Not in a funny ha-ha way, or in an explosive diarrhea way. Not that explosive diarrhea is funny at all. Just the phrase "explosive diarrhea" is comical to some people. Anyway. It was funny, perhaps in an ironic sense that as Misato, Asuka and Rei stormed into Section-2's main office to find out where the hell Shinji was, they discovered he was nearly killed while doing their laundry. A distinctive mixture of fear, anger, indigestion and sexual frustration relieved them of any guilt or shame.

It should also be noted that while Rei and Asuka had legitimate reasons to be worried about Shinji (he having missed his morning appointments with them), Misato was just doing what she did every hour of every day. The feed from security patched directly into her office only did so much to allay her perpetual fears of Shinji getting seduced and leaving her alone again. He was, in her mind, imminently seducible.

Anyway. They found out. And for convenience's sake, let's assume Ritsuko and Maya were in the Section-2 office as well, which sort of looked like Kensuke's wettest dream, what with all the surveillance equipment aimed at the women's bathroom and the guns littering the walls like the surveillance equipment aimed at women's bathrooms and guns littering Kensuke's walls. Now cue the emotional maelstrom.

"Shinji's in the hospital!?" Asuka brought her hands to her face in horror. "Is he okay!? Will he survive!? Is it serious!? How's his face!? What happened!?"

"Yes, he's in the hospital," Ritsuko said with a sigh. Remember, she's the only doctor NERV could afford. Gendo had more important things to worry about then the health of the people who ensured his health. "He's alive and will be fine, but he's got a busted leg and a slight concussion. As to how it happened…" She trailed off, glancing at the weepy girl next to her. "Ah, Maya-kun? Maybe you should get the hell out of here before I tell them."

"No," Maya said, sniffling. "They have every right to hear it now."

"Have you thought about what might happen to you? From them?" She gestured to the trio; Misato stroking her gun, Asuka cracking her knuckles, and Rei, who merely stared straight ahead but which somehow caused several nearby orderlies to melt into orange puddles. "You're still young, Maya-kun. Think about your future."

The lieutenant stepped forward, taking a deep breath. Her mentor cringed, realizing how long it would take to mold another gullible kid into her de facto slave.

"I accidentally hit Shinji-kun with my car this morning. I have no excuses." Maya bowed. "I am so, so sorry."

With her eyes on the floor she didn't see the calamitous death descending upon her. Watching her pupil awaiting punishment and probable dismemberment, Ritsuko sprang forward and held up her beeper.

"Oh no! It appears Shinji has just taken a conveniently timed turn for the worse! You should see him now! It might already be too late!"

It was almost embarrassing how well that worked. The three hauled ass to Shinji's room despite not knowing where it was.

"Maya-kun," Ritsuko said, leveling her gaze at the young woman now that they were alone. "Go home. For your own good. For your health. For the love of God. Go. Home. Now."

"But Shinji-kun is—"

"Don't worry," she said softly, placing a hand on her assistant's shoulder. "We'll take care of him. Don't beat yourself up over this. Remember, I'm depending on you, Maya-kun." She smiled, helping her protégé dry her eyes.

"Thank you, sempai." Maya took a breath and straightened. "I'll be strong. If there's anything you need from me, please just ask."

"Don't worry about that right now." Ritsuko paused. "Say, where's my laundry? You did get it, right?"

Maya left the hospital in tears.

Shrugging to herself and again wondering at her assistant's overly emotional behavior, the doctor made her way to the hospital wing to the room of the most unlucky boy in the world. To save some time let's assume that Misato, Asuka and Rei were already there.

Ritsuko looked at the three by Shinji, effortlessly plunging into her analyze mode.

"Well, Asuka's his oldest friend, so it makes sense that she's here. Misato's his guardian… but why is that Harbinger girl here? And isn't she supposed to be locked up? And trying to kill him? That's Mechologically inaccurate. She shouldn't be worried about him unless… of course! She's the enemy pilot who is drawn to the side of good by the protagonist's sense of righteousness and courage! It all makes sense now!"

She began furiously scribbling down a few notes on the clipboard I forgot to mention she was holding. But the distinct impression that people were glaring at her snapped her out of her scientific musings. It was like a sixth sense for Ritsuko; people glared at her a lot. She chalked it up to her being so smart and gorgeous.

"Well?" Misato demanded. "What are you doing to ensure Shinji-kun gets better?"

"Oh right. Uh, let's see… I found an old plank of wood outside and I duct taped it to his leg. I guess that should help or something. I gave him some Aspirin but he couldn't swallow it, and that gave me a headache, so I took it." She stopped as she sensed physical harm. "I also made sure he's near his dad, who's coincidentally in the hospital too. Some sort of drug-induced stapler accident involving his hands. He's next door."

Exactly how that would help anyone escaped those assembled.

"Poor Shinji!" Asuka wailed, clutching his lifeless hand to her heart. Of course, by 'heart,' I mean in that general vicinity. She was overjoyed to find it a perfect fit. Misato didn't think it was so great.

"Hands off!" the Captain hissed, swatting her away. "Keep away from my Shin-chan. We don't want any kind of complication from some idiotic girl." She protected Shinji the only way she knew how: with her body.

"Then are you sure spooning him is a prudent course of action?" Rei asked.

The woman didn't have a chance to answer or draw her gun. Asuka snapped Shinji's bed sheets with a wicked crack, sending Misato tumbling head first onto the floor.

"Stay down, Grandma!"

"That's it!"

Misato leapt over Shinji and took Asuka down in a brutal cross-armed tackle. The two rolled across the room, destroying thousands of dollars worth of medical equipment. Sadly, it was NERV's only fully outfitted hospital room. Rei meanwhile quietly approached the comatose boy and after a moment's serious thought decided to try and heal his wounds the only way _she_ knew how: the way Shinji showed her last chapter. Smoochy smoochy. She figured the boy at least deserved to be conscious before she took his life.

Ritsuko shook her head, dodging a bullet from Misato's gun.

"You know," she muttered, eyeing the literal outpouring of female hormones taking place over the cataleptic boy, "it would be Mechologically accurate to predict a Harbinger attack in about three… two…"

The alarm sounded.

"Oh yeah!" the Doctor yelled, pumping her arm and beginning a victory dance. "I've still got it!"

At length her celebration faded to a few simple break dance moves, and she spun on her head to the bridge. The others followed without delay of their own freewill after being subdued by six heavily armored Section 2 brigades. They were able to get the drop on the girls with tranquilizers while they were distracted with murder and hormones. They lured Misato to the bridge by pulling a keg on a rope.

Because, as you correctly feared, it was go time. In the sense of time to go to a new scene.

* * *

"Great," Misato mumbled from her post in the command center. "Old man Ikari is in the hospital with his hands stapled together and his nostrils clogged shut with cocaine, Shinji-kun's unconscious and defenseless in a private room with a lock and a bed, I've reloaded my gun with exploding tipped anti-teenage-bitch ammo, and here I can't take advantage of any of them. And it turns out that keg was empty. What a terrible day."

"… indeed," Ritsuko said beside her as she toweled herself dry from her mad breakin' skills. "And of course there's the whole Harbinger attack to consider."

"The what?"

"We're under attack by a Harbinger."

"Oh, hell." The Captain turned around. "Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki? What are your orders, sir?"

High above her in the command tower, the old man shook his head.

"What?"

"I said, what are your orders, sir?"

"What? I can't hear anything up here. Hold on; I'll be right down."

Ten minutes passed and he was nowhere to be seen.

"Probably got lost again," Ritsuko offered. "Or fell asleep somewhere. You're on your own, Misato."

"Terrific. Are Asuka and Rei in their mechs?"

So Rei's an official part of the combat roster now? Whatever.

"Ah, yes, Captain," Hyuga started, "but—"

"Great. Have them circle the enemy, keeping maximum distance, and try to localize it outside the city. Since it's approaching from the west the sun will be in its eyes, giving us at least a few seconds before it sees the attack coming. I want a by-the-books sortie folks; keep your distance, take turns and back each other up. Use the high ground and keep it in the water to slow it down. We have position, numbers, experience and weapons supremacy. All that remains is to make sure this sassy bastard knows it too."

Her spiel done, Misato smiled triumphantly, waiting to bask in the collective accolades and office betting pool winnings her plan would no doubt garner her.

_Victory is a sure thing._

"Let's launch!" Misato called out, striking a dramatic pose as she pointed to the heavens. She didn't notice Hyuga sweatdrop beside her. Which was unfortunate, as such a thing must be indicative of some sort of severe epidermal disorder. Leaking that much fluid from your head all at once can't be healthy. Then again, no one cared if Hyuga lived or died.

"Uh, the battle's already over, ma'am," he said. "We, ah… we lost."

"Oh." Misato pursed her lips. "Shit."

"The Harbinger is heading here. What should we do?"

"Go to Plan B," she ordered. "It's our only choice."

"Dropping a tactical nuke on it," Aoba muttered. "I can't believe us using a nuke is Plan B." He punched the big, shiny, candy-like button and the Harbinger was served a can of temporary whoop ass, N2 style.

"Fffssssshhhhh (whistling sound)... KRAAAAAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!" N2 mine number 172 told the Harbinger, full of explody passion. The kind of explody passion his parents and siblings made fun of him for. Who were they, to mock his endless hours in front of the bathroom mirror practicing scary faces and intimidating death screams? When he blew up people were going to remember it, damn it. So he wasn't a cop like his brother, or a doctor like his sister. So sorry to disappoint you, _dad,_ but your son is a toe-tapping weapon of localized destruction! Don't look at me like that, mom! No, it isn't your fault! Dad, put the belt away, dad. What was that? A disgrace? Would a disgrace enlist in the military? Yeah, that's right. I'm shipping out tomorrow. Because I thought you'd be proud! No, I don't know how those pictures got in my room! Mom, stop crying. Dad, help mom. Oh, don't you worry about that: when I explode you'll know. You'll all know!

And thus did 172 explode. And thus did his family weep, and curse the heavens, and the strange, alluring pull of this liberal world we live in where declining moral values give rise to the horrors of explody passion.

* * *

After a scene change Misato, Asuka and Rei found themselves in an unidentified interior setting somewhere within NERV. What did it look like? Use your imaginations. You don't want to? Fine. It was the one Gendo built during that one drug trip that regressed his psyche to eight years old, prompting him to build an impressive astronaut-themed water park on levels three through ten of Central Dogma. The Meteor Super Slide was totally sweet.

"The bomb blasted the Harbinger back into the stone age, otherwise known as Tokyo-2," Misato began. "It's disoriented and confused, so it'll take it a couple days to find us again. In the meantime, and because Maya accidentally dropped a vase of flowers on Shinji-kun's head while she was visiting him which sent him deeper into a coma, we need you two to work together. Effective immediately, you'll be sticking with each other, night and day, training to fight as a team while we repair your mechs. Got it?"

"This is ridiculous!" Asuka yelled in outrage. "How the hell did Ibuki get past the security we placed to guard Shinji?!"

"This is not acceptable," Rei agreed.

"Stow it," Misato growled. "Try to take this seriously. You two are our only hope now, as sad as that is. So I need you two to at least pretend like you're on the same side and team up for the sake of mankind."

The girls stared blankly at her.

"… fine. Team up for the sake of Shinji-kun."

"I am merely fighting to protect him so that I may kill him," Rei said.

"I'm fighting to protect him so I can 'kill' him too," Asuka said. "And by kill him I mean kill the part of him that has yet to enter the world of adulthood. And by enter the world of adulthood, I mean enter my—"

"And I'm sick." Misato rubbed her temples. "Just follow my orders, okay? For once. No more backtalk, no more whining, and— actually, you know what? No more talking at all when you're around me. Just shut your traps and get to work." She pulled her gun out and flicked the safety off. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to visit Section 2 about a serious debt they owe me. Whee!" She hopped on a nearby waterslide and whooshed away.

Asuka huffed indignantly at the situation as only she could, and looked from her oldest source of hatred to her newest.

"Okay, Blue," she said to Rei like the girl was a pile of vomit. "You don't like me, and I despise the fact you even exist. But for the sake of Shinji I think we can overcome our inherent differences and work together to take care of our real enemy."

"Agreed," Rei said after a moment of thought.

"Alright. I sweet-talked some moron in NERV to give me that dirty, dirty bitch Ibuki's home address and work schedule. I say we wait until dark and ambush her as she pulls into her apartment complex. If we hit her hard and fast she'll never know who it was. I'll make her pay for running Shinji over and refusing to die."

"Agreed." Rei suppressed a wicked smile. Which is to say, a barely perceivable twitch of her lips. _For now. His life belongs to me. I believe the phrase is 'his ass is mine.'_ The sudden thought of ownership rights to Ikari Shinji's backside caused a brief short circuit in her brain.

"Hello? Blue? You still with me?"

"… yes." _His ass_ will _be mine._

"Good." Asuka produced detailed blueprints and street plans, as well as a brief summary of Maya's childhood including phobias and embarrassing adolescent episodes. "I've assembled enough information to partially chart out our escape routes, as well as a punishment that is both poetic and ironic." She pulled a waffle iron from her pocket. "Trust me. She'll know what it means."

"How did that fit within your pocket?"

"Never mind. We have work to do."

And work they did.

It was a hard, grueling week of training, filled with pointlessly matching outfits and brutal marathon sessions of a cheap DDR knockoff, but by typing the letters DDR I'll probably have to extend the disclaimer.

As the week drew to its close and the rematch against Israfel, the Harbinger of Interpretive Dance loomed, Rei and Asuka came to a soft, unspoken understanding. A mutual respect slowly developed between the two. For Asuka, she learned to appreciate the pale girl's dedication, maturity and battle experience. For Rei, she learned to value the redhead's drive, her determination and spirit. They each realized, albeit begrudgingly, why the other had a place in Shinji's life. And as odd as it may seem it was the beginning of a stubborn kind of friendship between the two girls, but with a firmly understood foundation that they were in essence rivals, both on the battlefield and off. But it was a connection that would in time make them stronger, better people.

Wait. Scratch all that. It'll be more fun if those two hate each other.

On to the battle! Damn it!

* * *

Israfel had split into its dual mode which required all that training I glossed over. Actually, I forgot to mention Israfel could do that, but tough cookies. It can. It can also secrete button candy when it exerts itself, just because I said so.

But due to an unfortunate combination of Asuka's nocturnally active bladder and Rei's inability to sleep on anything other than a decrepit, soiled bed, the two pilots were utterly exhausted and in no shape to fight.

"This sucks," Asuka whined from within Unit-02. "I hope blue got some sleep. I know I didn't. She kept me up to all hours dragging in garbage from the street for a mattress."

"It was only because you refused to stay silent while you slept," Rei said, positioning her mech for battle. "You continually called for your mother, Ikari-kun and 'super-sized' shark fin ramen. It was most distracting."

"Well, sorry. I have weird dreams whenever I don't get enough hours. Do you have any idea how creepy it is to sleep near you? You keep your eyes open, you freak."

"At least I do not require extended time for baths in order to play act with an Ikari-kun doll."

"You cheat! You were awake for that!?"

The argument then degenerated into a full-blown brawl between Asuka and Rei. It was a brutal, take no prisoners kind of slugfest, as the name-calling that filled the tac net attested to. The bridge crew couldn't help but be surprised by the range and level of filth that Asuka spewed. Then Rei got into it and she made the redhead's curses look like a nursery rhyme. And the soft monotone she delivered it in just creeped everyone out. Even the Harbingers seemed stunned, as they simply stood off to the side watching with rapt attention.

It was when Rei succeeded in reversing Asuka's headlock and threw her into a building that the members of NERV really got worried.

"Was this part of the plan?" Aoba asked. "To lure the Harbinger into a state of complacency and then launch a surprise attack?"

"No," Misato said. "No it was not."

"Oh. Well, shit."

"Yes. Shit."

"You chalky slut!" Asuka roared, picking herself up from the rubble. "I knew we couldn't trust you! I can't believe I shared hair care tips with you!"

"Why would I follow the advice of someone who appears to have a diseased fox stapled to her head?"

Rei avoided a swift roundhouse kick but was caught by a fast follow-up jab.

"Better than that shitty dye-job you have!"

Asuka's next kick barely missed Unit-00's head and the blue mech grappled its assailant from behind.

"It is natural." Rei paused for effect, savoring the vast amount of psychological warfare ammo a week spent with Asuka afforded. "Ask Ikari-kun. He knows." She then proceeded to introduce Unit-02's face to the street.

The Israfels winced in sympathy, munching on the occupants of an upended tramway car like popcorn. Also, they grew mouths or something.

"You… _bitch!_" Asuka roared. Her attacks became wild, lacking her usual grace and methodology. "I'll turn that pasty ass of yours black and blue!"

"As long as it does not resemble that bony cheese grater you call your behind."

Fuyutsuki groaned. Also, he was in the command center now. He knew he had to end this. He had firsthand knowledge of how vicious things could get after a buttocks/cheese grater burn.

"Go to plan B. Time to redraw the map again."

N2 mine 258 screamed down on the vile creature that stole her love's life. Granted, N2 mine 172 never knew about her feelings, but she was a shy, bookworm kind of non-nuclear explosive device, more interested in researching tactical analysis than actual combat. She enjoyed reading, sipping tea, and listening to rain fall against her roof. She worked with N2 mine 172 for only a few months, but his enthusiasm and natural affability inspired her to try and become more than what she was. For so long N2 mine 258 was afraid of interacting with her fellow weapons, simply because she didn't feel she was powerful enough to make any kind of difference against an enemy. But despite N2 mine 172's inexperience he had a boundless hope, and it stirred her to be all she could be. She slowly came to love him, and had harbored a secret wish to someday settle down with him and produce a few thousand hand grenade children. But alas, it was not to be. Her love's life was cut tragically short and the only thing she could do to dull the unbearable pain was to follow him into fiery death, desperately hoping she would reunite with him in heaven.

* * *

After another week of training and another disastrous visit from Maya to Shinji's hospital room, Asuka and Rei were ready. Again. They hoped. And by "they" I mean me. I hate writing action.

Units -00 and -02 were at the ready, armed to the proverbial teeth and prepared to bum rush the brutalized Harbinger. The mechs were poised Olympic runner style on a wide street, facing down their twin foes. All they needed was confirmation of their status for attack.

"_Ibuki!"_ Asuka shouted to the bridge. _"Are you there? Are our synch rates even? This plan requires we be at exactly the same level."_

"Uh, yes, I'm here," she said in a startled, though happy voice as she checked her monitor. They had forgiven her! "You're actually very close to each other. Amazing!"

"_Good to hear. It means we know where you are now. Blue? Time for attack pattern Alpha. Go!"_

Big Red and Unit-00 turned on their heels and rushed back to NERV, leaving the Harbingers to blink dumbly at their backs.

"What are you doing!?" Misato screamed.

"_Ibuki must die! I'll teach her to hurt hot nubile young men! Die, bitch! Die!!"_

And that was Rei talking. Not looking good for Ms. Ibuki.

"Go to plan C," Misato groaned in frustration.

"Right. Deactivate the mechs and drop another mine on the Harbinger. Will do."

Incarcerated within the city rezoning bureau of Tokyo-3, Fuyutsuki wept bitter tears as the blaring explosion of yet another N2 mine meant yet another month of indentured servitude added to his sentence by the slave drivers at city hall. His chained ankles throbbed in sympathy.

"And to think I left teaching for this." He stopped and thought. "Wait. I left because I was fired for hitting on young girls. Thank God Gendo doesn't care about background checks."

Mostly because Gendo didn't want anyone to learn about his past; embezzling, political corruption, human sex trafficking, animal sex trafficking, drug dealing, attempted murder, murder, abduction, slander, graft, game show cheating, corporate espionage, tax fraud, indecent exposure, lewd conduct, public sex acts, public solo sex acts, public drunkenness, bank robbery, arms dealing, vandalism, DUIs, DWIs, DOAs, ODs, grand theft cruise liner, sodomy, public sodomy, public defecation, prostitution, pimping, thirty-seven separate restraining orders and a lifetime ban on attending circuses.

And that was just his juvenile record.

Where was I? Oh, NERV lost again. Crap. But don't worry; only two more sections left. Then you can go back to reading fics with actual plots, intelligent structure and character development. Or you could write one yourself. I'll give you an idea. Craft an M-rated western/spiritual genre fic with this opening:

"Aoba didn't know how he woke up in the Republic of Macedonia missing a testicle and his clothes. All he knew was it had to be that bastard Pen Pen's doing."

Get writing.

* * *

"Okay," Misato said, staring down Asuka and Rei in some random conference room within NERV after the disastrous last battle. "I am getting mighty sick of this crap."

"She's a dirty—"

"Suck my—"

"_I don't care!"_ Misato roared. "You two are going to shut the hell up and listen, damn it. Do you think this is a game? Do you think the world will forgive you if a Harbinger breaches our walls and destroys the world in a manner no one has bothered to specify yet? Do you think we have an unlimited amount of N2 mines? Those things don't grow on trees, girls. We were forced to drop our admission standards just to meet the projected quotas you two keep raising."

She pointed at a video display on the wall, frozen on a particularly bad frame showcasing Unit-02 as it launched a broken Shinto gate at Unit-00 like a boomerang.

"This is not saving the world!" Misato yelled. "This is giving the world a nipple-twister with pliers! This is making the taxpayers question exactly what their three percent paycheck deduction for 'robot-related utilization and government narcotic collection disbursement' is really for! Because apparently what this _is_ is you two letting some petty teenage squabble completely bitch slap the rest of the human race!"

"It isn't my fault—"

"Suck my—"

"This is not saving the world!" Misato thundered again. "This is dooming humanity because you two can't grow up! This is forcing us to suffer over your stupid angsting! And most importantly, this is making me die before I can claim what is rightfully mine!"

The Captain slammed her fist down on the table and inadvertently triggered the console that controlled the video screen behind her. The screen that just happened to showcase one of Misato's lesser-known pastimes: video editing. Under normal circumstances this would be no need for concern. But since Shinji returned to Tokyo-3 the Captain's hobby had taken a decidedly more M-rated turn. Gone were the days of her award winning music videos of popular anime set to angry German rock songs. Say hello to the days of award winning music videos of Shinji set to slow saxophone jazz.

Though her latest project was not open to public viewing. Not the below NC-17 crowd. Was it her fault she ran out of all the Shinji footage she had? Was it her fault it happened to coincide with the institution of naked activation tests? For Shinji? And Shinji alone?

"Umm… shit?" Misato started carefully backing out of the conference room as Rei and Asuka rose from their seats like demons emerging from hell.

During the subsequent chase and the resulting combat through several floors and a few dozen lives of NERV employees that were in the way, Misato finally managed to escape by some unspecified means as I want to move swiftly to the conclusion. Or like, the Harbinger alarm sounded just in the nick of time. Nice.

At length the girls reluctantly headed to the cages to put a stop to the bridge crew's bitching about how they didn't want to die, and this was the end of the world, blah blah blah.

"Big babies," Asuka scoffed.

Several hours, a bathroom break and a light brunch later, the girls arrived at their mechs. By then NERV already dropped several dozen more N2 mines on the Harbinger which effectively sent it into a near vegetative state, allowing Asuka and Rei to casually walk up to it and dispose of it at their leisure. Which begs the question: why didn't they do that in the series? Answer: because it wasn't "dramatic" enough. Like Eva needed any _more_ drama. That's what fanfiction is for, damn it. And for Shinji gettin' some ack-shun. Get with the freaking program, Anno.

* * *

Shinji opened his eyes, blinking under the harsh light. He groaned softly and tried to sit up, and found he could not. Small feminine hands pressed against his chest and he mentally sighed. Would he ever escape his Master's tenacious business friends? Had he been loaned out by Kaji yet again to pay off one of the man's copious and varied debts? Shinji just hoped he could walk away from this encounter without any more whip scars to his poorly abused behind.

"Ikari-kun!"

The boy squinted at the young woman hovering over him. If she knew his name she had to be a regular. Master Kaji just couldn't honor those restraining orders for the girls' middle school. But as his vision cleared a degree he realized with the utmost relief it was not in fact the very aggressive headmistress Shiri Panpan, but someone he saw before without any type of disciplinary equipment.

"Excuse me," Shinji said groggily, "but who are you?"

Maya froze.

"Oh God! You have amnesia! This is all my fault! I've damned the entire world due to my horrendous driving! Who else can pilot the MazinEva!? Actually, why can't anyone else pilot it? It seems odd that such an expensive and important piece of machinery can only be manipulated by a teenager. But oh, God! He has amnesia! I'll be fired for sure and I'll never get to tell Ritsuko-sempai how I feel! Nooooooooooo!!"

"Ah, sorry," Shinji said. "Let me rephrase. I mean, I don't know your full name. We've never been formally introduced. You work in NERV, right?"

"Oh. Oh, yes. Yes I do. I'm Lieutenant Ibuki Maya. I, well, I'm not quite sure how to explain what I do. I'm sort of a glorified gofer under Dr. Akagi."

In fact, when filing her paperwork, Dr. Akagi officially referred to her assistant as 'laundry girl.'

"You work for Ritsuko-san?" Shinji asked, slowly gaining lucidity. "Then you must be incredibly smart." It was more a statement of fact and less an indirect question from him, polite even suffering the aftereffects of massive bodily trauma.

"I don't know about that," Maya said with a mindless chuckle. "I'm a brain-dead chimp next to sempai. I think I just slow her down most of the time."

"I'm sure everyone who works in NERV is vital to the defense of the earth."

It was a shame Shinji did not know about Sections 3 through 27, all of which were staffed with nothing but juvenile hall escapees and ex-cons Gendo used to acquire illegal pornography and powerful, powerful hallucinogenic drugs.

"Not that I'm complaining," Shinji said hesitantly after three hours of small talk that exhaustively explored every possible topic outside of hardcore deviant bestiality, "but is there a reason you're spending so much time here with me? I'm sure someone with your critical responsibilities has more important things to do than be annoyed by me." At least, that was what Master Kaji always told him.

"… ah, no. No I don't. I like being annoyed by you. I-I mean you don't annoy me at all. I just don't feel like leaving yet. Is that okay? Please say that's okay. Please? Pretty please? With sugar and frosting and sprinkles and a million dollars on top?"

"Uh, sure."

"Oh thank God."

Not that Maya loved Shinji. Not that she hated him either. Her desperate need to stay with him stemmed from the fact Misato, Asuka and Rei were just outside the hospital room door waiting to butcher and kill her after several decades of ruthlessly barbarous torture. Her one and only reprieve was that they wouldn't commit homicide in front of a conscious Shinji.

"Have some more coffee," she said, forcing a sixteenth pot down his throat. "So, Ikari-kun, what is your earliest memory? Then you could tell me every subsequent memory you've had. It'll be fun."

Shinji immediately disgorged his entire life's recollections in two minutes flat, his insane caffeine high refreshed. As his mind attempted to realign itself under a powerful drug rush, he lost partial control over his empathetic power and the surrounding emotions poured into him like an awesome metaphor that is completely beyond me.

Desperation, anticipation, impatience, eagerness, fury, lust and moistness pulverized his mind, delivering him to one inescapable conclusion.

_Oh, God!_ Shinji mentally cried. _This_ is _another of Master's contractually obligated training exercises! I don't want to play Uchiki Shinkon Shinji again! No!!_

He remedied the situation by leaping out the window.

"No, Ikari-kun!" Maya shrieked in horror. "Don't leave me! I don't want to die!!"

Hearing the window shatter, the Angels of Death, aka Misato, Asuka and Rei, blew the hospital room's door apart with a grenade launcher the Captain took to carrying after that bus of women's soccer players looked at Shinji as they sped past. You know, just in case.

"Hello there," Maya tried to say, but ended up weeping in terror.

The three approached her, ready to work off several chapters' worth of stress and frustration.

"It's rather convenient you're in a hospital room already," Misato said, loading a fresh grenade.

"Though perhaps a cemetery would be more appropriate," Rei said.

"You prosaic freak of nature," Asuka groaned. "We already decided. We make her _wish_ she was dead, and _then_ we kill her. Get with the program."

"How unlike you to show restraint of any kind."

"Restraint nothing. I'm just exercising my sadism."

Maya began whimpering, curled into the fetal position in a corner. She prayed for a swift end. Then she regained a bit of intelligence and wished for salvation from a merciful God she loved and thought was absolutely cool and badass. In a sense, her beloved God did save her.

Ritsuko burst into the room, not at all shocked by the devastation, her assistant cowering in a ball, or the homicidal madness of her oldest friend and the two girls she had grown to both hate and despise.

"We have a situation, people!" the Doctor announced. "And I'm not talking about this attempted murder! Police reports are in of Shinji-kun running through the city on a coffee-induced high of limitless stamina!" She now had their undivided attention. "And he lost his hospital gown!"

She paused to take a breath, and found Shinji's Fan Club suddenly gone, teleported away like her faith in mankind. She hoped things didn't get too messy. She knew somehow she'd be responsible for cleaning up this disaster.

"Maya-kun," she said. "You can return to reality now. They're gone."

"But they'll be back. And then I'll die!"

"Stop crying. Please. Stop it." Ritsuko tried to comfort the girl by patting her head like a dog. Maya barked happily. "There you go. Good girl. Have a treat. Now don't you worry about those three estrogen-infused murder machines. According to Mechological standards, at the start of every new episodic adventure, everything will return to how it was at the beginning of the previous one, thereby negating any poorly planned story lines, dead-end plot developments, or unsustainable jokes. I mean, did you notice how no one remembered what Shinji-kun looked like without a shirt?"

"Guh?"

"Exactly. All you need to know is that your life won't be in danger until you do something else incredibly stupid."

"Thank you, Sempai," Maya sniffled. "I can always count on you to make me feel better with convoluted logic, because you care so deeply for my wellbeing."

"Of course I do." She paused. "Did you get my laundry yet?"

Maya left the hospital in tears.

And I left the chapter in tears. Of relief. Now go read something with merit.

* * *

Round 5! Over!

Author notes: since Maya only had two or three dialogue exchanges so far, I decided to give her a little depth beyond the one-liners about being in love with Ritsuko. Next chapter has her in it a lot, too. Next time is Matariel. I think. I always forget the order of the middle Angels. If I'm wrong, I won't care. I plan on skipping a few unless I think of something kind of fun to do with them.

Review Questions:

1. Do you remember what jellyfish toxins are called? (Hint: I don't care either)

2. Think about one of your enemies. Could fighting an inhuman monster together help bridge the gap between you? (Hint: no)

3. Does the thought of Rei cursing like a sailor make you giggle girlishly too? Explain.

4. Citing specific examples, explain why Maya is so darn adorable.


	6. Round 6!

Adam "Business Time" Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Eva, or ZOE, or GQ, or KOF, or DDR. DDR. Can you imagine it? Using the dance pads at home to recreate the infamous Israfel training sequence? Gainax is sitting on a _mint_. Well, another one.

* * *

Shinji never liked the hospital. In his mind they were always equated with death and suffering. And the countless blood tests his Master always required. So boredom was high up there too. But mostly death and suffering. And given the particulars of his present circumstances, he could now add embarrassment to the list. The "list" was a perpetually expanding far-reaching inventory of situations and scenarios that gave him distress, ranging from mild (meeting new people) to intermediate (having said new people offer money for unspecified services) to severe (having people he did know offer nothing for very specified services).

But back to the embarrassment. As his stay in NERV's "fine" medical facilities became far longer than he anticipated (and he was still loathe to blame Maya for any part of it, even after she visited again and accidentally gave him a second degree burn and food poisoning with her homemade chili) Shinji became well acquainted with most of the nursing staff. Which was quite large despite NERV's notorious budget and lack of genuine medical equipment. Being an open-minded, unassuming kind of guy, Shinji was also surprised the entire medical workforce was female, prone to wearing tight uniforms and being super attractive. Which leads directly into the whole embarrassment thing.

Not that being around beautiful, scantily clad women was awkward for him. He dealt with that on a daily, oftentimes hourly basis. His discomfort with the staff stemmed from their behavior. Not that flirty, sometimes publicly indecent displays of affection were new to him, but it was the degree and severity of the current ones that were distressing. He supposed having literally every hospital employee offer him a sponge/tongue bath at least six times a day would make any normal fourteen-year-old boy happy, but Shinji was not normal. Or happy. Not for the first time, he couldn't help but feel that NERV was a very strange place.

And therein lay NERV's, or more accurately, Gendo's dirty little secret. One of them. Every person the Commander hired, from janitors to a certain Captain, was judged according to a complex and brutally efficient system of sexual discrimination. Not normal discrimination. Scary discrimination. The kind where unless you were hot, promiscuous, deviant, immoral, sexually obsessed and/or repressed, or some combination of those, you would not be working at NERV. And as for all those guys he employed, Gendo blamed those on brief periods of "work-related confusion" due to drugs. Lots of drugs. But it helped illustrate that debauchery starts at the top and works its way down the proverbial job tree, infecting every other branch.

So it came as little surprise to Maya when she arrived at the hospital to visit Shinji in a purely gracious act to repay him for continually hurting him severely, inducing a coffee high streak through the city, and to give him a break from Misato, Asuka and Rei's foaming-at-the-mouth-and-various-other-places attention, she found the boy strapped spread-eagle to his bed wearing nothing but a ball gag made of gauze and a face of abject terror as several dozen nurses closed in on his delectably prone form.

"Fmmf zu lub ff govf, hllf mm!" Shinji said eloquently.

"Go away," one of the nurses spat at Maya. "The flyers clearly stated the yaoi pay-for-play starts at three. Wait your turn, little boy."

"Oh, I do not think so," Maya said, cracking her knuckles. No one called her a boy unless they were ready to lose a few teeth. Also, she supposed she had to save Shinji or something.

Granted, her haircut and boxy NERV uniform didn't help promote her femininity, but those were semi-conscious choices; Maya had a lot of frustration to work off. And beating the tar out of dumbasses who mistook her for a boy did wonders to ease her unrequited love, her loneliness, her sense of inferiority, and her crippling debts from Sanrio merchandise.

Actually, the only reason Ms. Ibuki ever had a chance at working for NERV was the vague notion Gendo held about how being near a lesbian was cool.

Allegedly.

Being high enough up on the aforementioned job tree, Maya was familiar with her Commander's modus operandi. One didn't work directly under Akagi Ritsuko without gaining an insight into the mind of Ikari Gendo, drugs or no drugs. As such, Maya knew about the man's paranoid fear of medical professionals who he wasn't personally bribing (read: Ritsuko), and hired only personnel that could be easily subdued.

Meaning they would be easy pickings for her feminine fists of ferocious fury. Huh. Even that sounds adorable coming from her.

After viciously incapacitating the nursing staff and liberating Shinji, Maya hurriedly led him outside to freedom as he hysterically thanked her. Then they had to rush back in since I forgot to add a sentence where he got dressed.

Back in the pinnacle of fashion that was his school uniform, Shinji let Maya forcefully escort him to an unknown destination, mostly because he had no reason to mistrust her. Also, he was an idiot.

"Shinji-kun," she said, slowing down after finally realizing she was all but kidnapping him, "I'd like to take you out today."

He felt a considerable panic building. Every time a woman told him that, things had a way of ending with him waking up naked in a strange room with leather harnesses and video equipment without any recollection of how he got there.

"Um, I'm extraordinarily flattered, Ibuki-san, but Misato-san told me NERV has very strict fraternization rules."

Granted, according to Misato those rules only applied to personnel above and below whatever rank she was currently holding and who weren't named Katsuragi, but she kept telling him it was for his own good. Just like wearing thongs in the apartment.

"Ah, let me rephrase," Maya said. "I meant, I'd like to take you out, as a friend. It's actually why I was visiting today. But only as a friend. Even though we're not officially friends. So, do you want to be friends?"

Shinji's panic did not subside. Older women proposing friendship had a way of ending with him strapped to a bed like his morning ordeal.

"Um, I'm still extraordinarily flattered, but—"

He was cut off by the overdue opening title.

* * *

MazinEva! Round 6!

The Dangers Of Dating Ikari Shinji, Even If You're A Lesbian (Allegedly)

Or

You Know, They Do Sort Of Look Alike

* * *

After I made Shinji agree to the friendly day out on the town, Maya then proceeded to take him out for a friendly day on the town. His anxiety from the morning, as well as lingering fears about being alone with yet another female commanding officer forced his mouth into cliché Shinji behavior.

"I'm sorry for being such a burden, but I'd just like to thank you again for saving me," he told her. "It's a small miracle you got to me at all. Dr. Akagi changes my room every half hour to let me heal in peace, but someone always finds me somehow." Someone, meaning the three you're thinking of. "May I ask how you did?"

"I asked the receptionist," she explained, "and she just told me."

Because the receptionist thought Maya was a guy. A guy other than the Commander being held at gunpoint by the Major.

"It looked really, um, hectic in there. Do you want to talk about it? With my lack of therapeutic training and inexperience with comforting people in any way, maybe I could help."

"Could we please never speak of that again?" Shinji asked, hugging himself as they aimlessly strolled downtown Tokyo-3. Not that he wasn't used to such things happening to him, but he thought he could escape that kind of treatment if his Master wasn't around to organize and schedule it for him.

"I'm just sorry I didn't get there sooner," Maya said, her brow bent in genuine sorrow, effectively ignoring his plea. "Are you okay?"

"Not really, no. I only thank God that they got tired after the first five hours and needed a break." He shivered. "Please keep this a secret. I don't want anyone else to know."

Maya promised she would. Though she guessed his concern was embarrassment, she knew Misato, Asuka and Rei would without fail significantly downsize the hospital staff if they found out. NERV had enough to cover up as it was without having to explain away several dozen murders.

"So," Shinji said, trying to distract himself from his most recent trauma by striking up a conversation with a woman he was only vaguely aware existed prior to last chapter, "did I miss much while I was drifting in and out of comas?"

"Not too much." Maya brought a finger up to her chin. "Actually, there was one minor thing. After Asuka and Rei defeated the Harbinger, we detected another one within NERV."

"What!? Is everyone okay!?"

"Yeah. Don't sweat it. It somehow snuck into our boiler room through the heating ducts and messed up the central circulation system something fierce. We scrambled the girls to fight, but before they got even halfway to the basement the Harbinger died. Melted or something. I guess it was attempting a sneak attack through NERV's innards, but it wound up burning itself to death. Not the smartest giant hell machine ever, huh?"

And there, dear readers, is the entire appearance of Sandalphon, the Harbinger of Dying Like A Pansy. I did have a few decent thermal expansion jokes in mind, but I'll save them for another time. Or a side story I'll never write.

"So, Shinji-kun," Maya said, drawing my attention back to the situation at hand. "What do you do for fun? I honestly don't know a lot about you, and I feel a little guilty. I mean, here you and Asuka and Rei are fighting in life or death battles for all of humanity and I've practically ignored you."

"You don't have to feel obligated, Ibuki-san."

"I don't. I just, I don't know. I'd like to know more about you. So spill. What's fun to you?"

Shinji took a breath, uncomfortable with the prospect of speaking about himself. He was, in his own mind, incredibly boring. Also, Master Kaji repeatedly told him he was incredibly boring.

"Well, I really haven't had a lot of free time lately, what with the attacks, and school, and Misato-san, and Asuka, and Rei…" He sighed, then glanced up as he heard Maya giggle. "What?"

"They sure do spend an awful lot of time with you."

"I guess they do. I'm honestly surprised they don't all hate me. I mean, I practically abandoned Asuka and Misato-san when my father abandoned me, and I only seem to make Rei's life harder. I hope I can make it up to them someday."

"I'm sure they'll think of a way," she said, containing another giggle. She found his naiveté cute. Then again, Maya found most stupid things cute.

"But fun, huh?" Shinji shrugged. "I haven't practiced my cello in quite awhile. That usually helps me relax."

"You play? Cool."

"I guess. My Master said it was important. That it would culture my mind and give me greater finger dexterity."

"How was that? Living with a stranger for so long? Oh! Sorry. I didn't mean to pry. Well, maybe a little."

"No, it's fine. I brought it up and you already asked." Shinji stopped at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. He watched a small child holding her mother's hand, placed there by maudlin contrivance. "It wasn't what you might call a normal childhood, I suppose. But Master taught me about life, and people, and the world. It was more of a 'hands on' approach. I still don't completely understand everything he tried to teach me, but I'm grateful to him."

"Well, you're still pretty young, Shinji-kun. I'm sure you'll understand in time."

"You're probably right." He immediately regretted bringing up his lack of comprehension with his training. While he lived with his Master, it was a source of continual frustration. His teacher would always laugh, rubbing his scruffy jaw, and tell him the same thing every time.

"_Once you meet a woman, you'll understand everything."_

"_Even the massage training?"_ he would inevitably ask.

"_Especially the massage training."_

"_And the tongue strengthening exercises? And the endurance tests? And 'strutting?'"_

"_Well, that's all—"_

"_How about me doing your taxes? And the cooking? And the laundry? And when you dress me up like a girl to sneak me into the women's changing room at the local schools and the mall with your camera to—"_

"_Yes! Okay!? It will all make sense! Now get in the bathroom and scrub the toilet. I think I missed during last night's bender. And you better be done by six. That's when the girls' volleyball team finishes at the high school and I'll be damned if I miss it because of you. Remember the camcorder."_

Where was I?

Ah, right. More stilted conversation between two characters that had all of what, three scenes together in the show. Set OOC sensors to maximum.

"Ibuki-san," Shinji said, looking up at her, "during one of my check-ups I asked Dr. Akagi about your job…" He blushed as she raised her eyebrows. "I hope I didn't offend you. I was just curious."

"Oh, no. I'm just surprised, that's all." Mostly because no one in their right mind willingly asked Ritsuko anything.

"She told me you're learning the computer system that runs NERV. She started to explain it, but Mechology honestly confuses me, and then she said she needed a couple fluid samples, so I had to run away and lock myself in a bathroom. But what I did hear sounded very difficult." He smiled at her, recalling her humble explanation of her occupation from the previous chapter. "You shouldn't sell yourself short, Ibuki-san. You must be exceptionally intelligent and motivated for someone so young. You're what? Eighteen? Nineteen?"

"Shinji-kun, it's rude to ask a woman her age."

"Forgive me!" He mentally tore his arm off and poured lemon juice in the wound. How could he forget his training so blatantly? "I didn't—"

"I'm actually twenty-four," she said nonchalantly, though inwardly smiling at his reaction. She made a show of peering in a nearby shop window, seemingly intent on the intricacies of a leather codpiece and matching dildo set. She suddenly realized they had somehow wandered into the red light district. She hastily led Shinji out, though he seemed strangely comfortable with the whole scene.

"Ah, you just look so young, but you act so mature," Shinji backpedaled, trying desperately to save face as she picked him up and sprinted out of what looked a lot like his old home. His initial fears of spending time with her were nearly forgotten; he never had to deal with someone of Maya's caliber before when the threat of a hormonal attack wasn't present.

"Oh, uh, thanks, I guess," she said, finally letting him walk on his own when she reached the entertainment section of town. Normal, G-rated entertainment. Though that one animated film poster with the giant veiny talking cucumber looked mighty suspicious.

An awkward silence descended as I tried to think up what happened next.

"Shinji-kun," Maya said as she smiled warmly and placed a hand on his shoulder, manipulated into compassion by my whim, "I don't know if anyone else has told you this, but thank you."

"Wh-what? For what?"

"You've repeatedly risked your own life to save us, and I feel like we've all abused your kindness by taking your work for granted and selling risqué pictures of you. Thank you."

"B-but, I mean, Asuka and Rei have fought too, so, um…" Shinji broke off, inexplicably excited from a simple hand on the shoulder and a kind word.

"Well," Maya said as she drew back, containing her terrified shiver from hearing those girls' names, "I wanted to tell them too, but they keep trying to murder me. I figured you were a bit safer. Anyway, think of today as a small token of my gratitude. It's kind of an absurdly pathetic reward for risking your life and getting sent to the hospital on an episodic basis, but I'm poor and unoriginal. So, how about it, Shinji-kun? You know, since we're already out here and all."

"I'd really like that, Ibuki-san." He blushed hard and looked at his feet. "Thank you."

"Great!" She looped her arm with his and began walking. "Let's go!"

As I suddenly realized things were getting too (melo)dramatic, Shinji got wanged in the head with a brick and collapsed on the street.

"Shinji-kun!!" Maya yelled, attracting a small crowd of pedestrians, motorists, and a conveniently passing women's track team. "Hold on, Shinji-kun! I've been studying first aid!"

Her delving into the medical arts was nothing more than a way to alleviate her own guilt over giving him several concussions, but it thankfully served another purpose as well. The NERV hospital staff which managed to escape injury just happened to be trailing after the recently released boy in a long parade of vans, and heard the young tech's declaration and begrudgingly backed off. A public street wasn't the most ideal setting for administering all the tests they wanted to perform. Not ideal, but not disagreeable. Though asphalt really wasn't the best shock absorber. Plus, I don't feel like writing any more lime this chapter.

"Shinji-kun, are you okay?" Maya asked, knowing he obviously wasn't. Why do people ask that in situations like this? "Say something!" Again, why?

Shinji's leg twitched slightly, but nothing save a thin line of drool escaped his lips.

* * *

"Damn it!" Asuka hissed from her hiding place behind a dumpster in a nearby alley. Though the space was demeaning and filthy, stalking covetous bitches for revenge sometimes required compromises. "I didn't count on an undercurrent in the air this early in the season. It totally threw off my aim. That slut Ibuki got lucky."

"God, Asuka!" Misato whispered harshly, crouching behind her. "You could have killed him with that brick!"

"Pfft." She waved her hand dismissively. "It'll take a lot more than that to kill my Shinji. He's a pistol!" She paused, and spun her head around. "And what are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, not here?"

"I'm simply keeping a close eye on Shinji-kun. Since Section-2 failed to save him from getting hit by a car and all, we can't be too careful. He is my charge and our number one pilot after all. I'm just playing it safe. No need to look into it. There's no deeper meaning, I swear. It isn't like I'm scouting a fourteen-year-old or anything, even if he is sweet, and considerate, and gorgeous, and smart, and caring, and attentive, and sensitive, and noble, and brave, and has the most talented hands I've ever known and looks amazing in a plug suit. None of that matters to me. No way. None of it. I swear. Get off my back! Shut up! You're a bitch!"

"Are you drunk? What are you babbling about?"

"Nothing! I swear it's nothing!" Misato laughed nervously, only to be cut off by a soft, unassuming, yet boundlessly terrifying voice above her.

"You are making too much noise," Rei said, peeking out of the dumpster. "Silence."

After the soul-freezing shock wore off, Misato and Asuka glared up at the girl.

"Blue!"

"Creepy!"

"What are you doing here? Why aren't you in your dog cage?"

"I am merely following my daily schedule" Rei said, arching an eyebrow slightly. Meaning that to everyone around her, she did nothing at all. "I observe Ikari-kun, determine his strengths and weaknesses, wait for an opening, and then make my move."

"So you're just waiting to attack him!?" Asuka yelled in outrage. "You soulless harpy!"

"Attack?" She considered it a moment, tilting her head slightly. Again, meaning that we as mere mortals wouldn't notice. "I suppose it could be stated that way."

Rei still planned on killing Shinji. The method was already firmly decided in her mind: cardiac arrest via intense physical exertion. She just had to decide when and for how long. A decade or five would probably prove sufficient. Might as well have a good time with it.

"Shinji-kun's up!" Asuka said as she turned back to the street, already bored with Rei. "I told you a brick to the skull wouldn't hurt him. Good to know his body can take some punishment."

"You sick freak," Misato growled, though inwardly agreeing as she planned several private scenarios to test the boy's full durability. _Time to warm up the harnesses and video equipment again._

"They are on the move," Rei spoke, breaking everyone out of their tastelessly tasty fantasies.

Yes, their prey was on the move just like my patience with this nonsense. Moving on.

* * *

After a quick stop at a convenience mart for bandages and aspirin, Maya led Shinji to the next destination on his day of forced fun. It featured one of Maya's lesser known, but privately powerful vices; video games. As a computer tech, it fascinated her how some of the most powerful systems on earth were used for entertainment. That, and no one expected a cute young lady to be good at games. It made it easy to hustle losers in the arcades. Like all those fat kids needed lunch money anyway.

"Geez, Shinji-kun. For a mecha jockey you sure do suck at video games."

"I know," he replied, scratching the back of his neck. The dating sims his Master put him through never really developed his 'twitch' skills. Also, he had a fairly severe concussion from the brick.

The duo climbed out of the full immersion battle simulator they were in, an underrated game called _ZOE 4: We Finally Got Off Our Asses And Made A Sequel With A Decent Story To Match Our Superior Mecha Combat Engine_, and made their way to the main counter for more tokens.

Shinji glanced back at the game booth's colorful rendering of the male main character heroically clutching some faceless female to his sculpted chest. Was it some sort of universal nerd law that nearly every woman in every anime or game was required to have endowments that would undoubtedly cause crippling lower back pains? What was so enticing about a chest that was larger than one's skull? Not to mention the impractical hindrance it would no doubt present in battles and everyday life. Imagine shopping for a simple shirt! The terror!

He recalled his Master's teachings on the subject. It had been, like so many times, confusing.

"_More than a mouthful is a waste."_

Shinji later determined it to be a sound recommendation. The astronomical bosoms so many heroines sported would certainly lead to difficulties breastfeeding their children, which was the logical outcome of their interactions with the male leads. Shinji decided it to be yet another of Master Kaji's brilliant insights. Then again, Master never was one to follow his own advice. He believed the scruffy man's penchant for chasing the largest sets of mammaries he could find was all part of an elaborate plan to show his pupil the dangers and diseases of a life lived by any teachings but his own.

_Though why Master would need to breastfeed is beyond me._

While the idea of placing his lips on or even within several yards of that particular female body part made him feel a little peculiar, he could easily appreciate the female form. He used to be able to appreciate the male form too, but Master had put a stop to that pretty quickly. So Shinji could see the fascination his peers and even grown men had with women. He just couldn't understand why nearly every man he met would turn into a slobbering, mindless beast when presented with an opportunity to be near one.

It wasn't that he couldn't grasp the concept. He would often find himself musing on the sprightly cuteness of Asuka, or the quiet beauty of Rei, or the exuberant good looks of Misato, or Ritsuko's mature charm, or the way Hikari's freckles stayed brown even when she blushed, or the effortlessly adorable way Maya held her hand over her mouth when she gasped, or another generic example of the Eva female cast being attractive. Shinji could appreciate all of it. But it was like the way a normal (read: normal) person might appreciate a work of art. The Venus de Milo was a beauty to behold but one didn't run up to it and cover it with wet smooches. It was to be admired, prized and respected from a distance, preferably behind the comfortable confines of a rope barrier and the watchful eye of a security guard. It could not under any circumstance be demeaned or devalued by any human emotions other than reverence, veneration, and quiet adoration. Anything else would be a crime. Which incidentally explained his Master's status as a sex offender.

_Teaching misconduct and wrongdoing by example. Thank you, Master, for showing me how not to act. Disrespect, infidelity, unsolicited groping, gold digging and single-mindedly animalistic lust are wholly unacceptable._

He did have a libido; it was just that living for so long with one such as Kaji had desensitized Shinji to the purely physical aspects. What really got his motor running was the emotional portion. If someone told him they liked him and gave him a warm hug, Shinji wasn't sure he'd be able to control himself.

Sadly, Misato, Asuka and Rei seemed to be doing all their thinking these days with their crotches. Or, in Rei's case, her knife. Followed closely by her crotch.

Sometimes Shinji wondered if there was something wrong with him. Maybe there was some unknown, undetectable defect within his genetic makeup that made him act rationally and logically (read: idiotically) even with regards to the fairer sex. Sometimes Shinji found himself wishing he could be more like those around him, so willing and able to give in to primal instincts and raw emotion. And sometimes he dreamt about flower arrangements and window treatments. But again, when Master says no, he means it. Heaven help you if he finds that issue of GQ under your bed. Not that you have anything to hide, but you don't want to re-wallpaper the entire apartment with his collection of centerfolds again, do you? Remember, paste in chronological order. Oldest to newest. Chronological order or so help me God I'll send you back to that street corner without even your sock this time, do you hear me?

"Shinji-kun?" Maya gently shook him again. "Shinji-kun, are you okay? You're pale, and your eyes have a far away, extended inner monologue/flashback look to them. Do you want to sit down?"

"Oh, oh, no. I just got carried away there for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I miss whole paragraphs of time digressing. Thank you for your concern, though."

As he was about to reaffirm his physical wellbeing to ease the look of worry on his companion's face, a sudden flash of recognition drew his eyes to a form passing by the arcade's entrance.

"Oh, Horaki-san!" Shinji called out. "What a pleasant surprise."

The class representative slowly turned at the sound of her name.

"Ikari-kun?"

It was a challenge. That much Hikari knew. It was a challenge, and she needed it. That her scheduled path for school and shopping had yet to deviate from the road that took her past this particular area in downtown was testament to that. It served to continually reinforce her silent, secret pledge, to contain within her the raging fires that threatened to consume her daily. Experimenting at home helped to dull the blaze, but it was clear some sort of human contact was needed to satisfy it. Because she could not submit to her desires. No one must know the all-encompassing lust she harbored. They would label her "deviant" or "immoral." It had to remain a secret. From her family, from her best friend, from the boy she was forced to be in love with to protect her from her best friend. No one must know.

No one must know Horaki Hikari loved video games.

No one must know the thrill she felt plunging a token into the slot of a brand new machine, feeling a button array broken in by her own hands, the needling strain to her eyes after staring at a flickering screen, the guilty pleasure of checking her watch and realizing whole hours have passed, stretching out that last life when she ran out of coins, the whispered entreaties and curses given to pixilated sprites and animated polygons. It all excited her, made her feel alive; the condescending glare of boredom from the clerk at the counter, the shitty prizes, the cheap stench of stale soda and vending machine snacks, the mysteriously sticky floor, the lack of serviceable restrooms, the one child crying by the pachinko machine. It was how the ever-present hum of electricity became a symphony. It was how the frenzied steps of a Dance Dance Revolution player became a ballet. It was how every game blanketed her from the outside world until it was merely her and a hundred yen's worth of time to prove her skill to an ageless opponent, one who had seen her forefathers and will live to see her grandchildren. The timeless struggle of man and machine.

And bishounen had a downright suspicious way of cropping up in games. She had to admit controlling them with the push of a button was very appealing.

Just like the bishounen standing right in front of her.

"Horaki-san? Are you okay?" Shinji asked for the fifteenth time, growing worried. _Is she drooling?_

"No, I'm fine, Ikari-kun," she replied lovingly, a lazy grin on her face. "Perfectly fine."

"Oh. Ah, good." _Is she still drooling?_

"Um, Ikari-kun?" Hikari asked, forcing her mind back to the present as she noticed the older woman behind him. "Who is that? She kind of looks like your sister." She chalked her boldness up to the heady proximity to the arcade and _oh my God is that the new KOF game!? Chris-chan!_

"Ah, n-no," Shinji stuttered, blushing at the thought of having such a kind, pretty older sister. Why he would blush can probably be attributed to Master Kaji's fondness for incest hentai. "She works with me at NERV. Class representative Horaki, please meet Lieutenant Ibuki Maya."

"Pleased to meet you, Horaki-kun. Any friend of Shinji-kun's is a friend of mine." It was a sadly known fact Maya was incredibly hard up for friends. "Well," she continued, "we better get going if we want to make that unspecified event that requires us to leave right now."

"Oh, that's right. It was nice to see you, Horaki-san. Please take care."

"Sure," Hikari said, not really listening any more. She waited until they left before tackling the long-awaited _KOF 2015: Scraping the Bottom of the Weird Character Barrel._

But as soon as she slipped the first token into the machine the screen flickered and went black. Hikari suppressed the wail of universal injustice crawling up the back of her throat, and looked around her as anguished groans filled the arcade. Every other machine was blinking out, along with the overhead fluorescents, even the streetlights outside. Something was definitely amiss.

That and a gigantic mechanical leg descended right outside the arcade entrance, shattering the asphalt and tearing through several cars as it headed towards NERV's base overlooking the city.

Another Harbinger had arrived.

Dum dum dum-dum-dah-dum… (dramatic reverb)

* * *

(checks word count)

God, this is so long. Let's skip ahead a bit.

Blah blah blah, frenzied rush back to NERV, blah blah blah, emergency scramble, blah blah blah, the other girls are still in the city, blah blah blah.

Almost done.

* * *

"MazinEva! Unit-01, ready to launch!" Shinji yelled from within the cockpit of MazinEva! Unit-01 which was ready to launch.

He awaited both the final safety checks, and the inevitable battle on the surface. Of course, with the power out all over the city due to something I'll probably reveal next chapter, NERV was operating on nothing but its diesel backup generator. Meaning the improbable catapults were useless for some reason. Shinji sighed.

"MazinEva! Unit-01, ready to climb out of the chimney!"

Matariel, the Harbinger of Worthless Special Attacks, plunged another of its legs into NERV's pyramidal main structure as Shinji exited the base in his mech via a really huge smokestack that was never there before and will never be there again unless I need it. He jumped down and engaged the Harbinger.

"_Shinji-kun,"_ Ritsuko said. _"Misato, Asuka and Rei are dead."_

"What!?"

"_Or they're missing. Whatever. So we can't offer you any help since we're useless without you damn kids. We need you to lure the Harbinger away from the base and the city while we go out and buy a couple trillion batteries from the minimart. Without power, we're helpless. Even more so. It's up to you to—watch out!!"_

A tremendous crash echoed over the tac net, and Shinji cringed. While holding two of Matariel's legs in an attempt to pull it off Mount Akiraka, another of its limbs reached over his head and struck NERV.

"Dr. Akagi! Is everyone alright?" Shinji asked.

"_Ugh. Yeah, I'm fine. We…"_ She trailed off, and an eerie silence filled the air. _"Oh God. Maya-kun. She… she's down…"_

"What…?"

"_She's not responding… there's blood on her face… I… I can't find a pulse…"_

"_Ha ha ha!"_ Matariel laughed as it struggled free of the MazinEva!. _"Puny, two-legged humans! You are no match for my powerful legs of doom and my as yet unused acid attack! Prepare to die!"_

Shinji pushed his senses out in a frantic attempt to find Maya. He forced his way past Ritsuko's crushing depression of losing her gullible slave of an assistant and personal ATM, as well as several other nameless female techs watching the camera feed from within Unit-01 with uncontrollable lust. He passed over all of it, and felt nothing but a gaping emptiness where Maya should have been.

Ikari Shinji had dealt with a lot in his few years of life. Since we all know how traumatic his childhood was, I'll skip it. But the fact remained he had never gotten particularly angry at anyone or anything. He tried hard to keep people from seeing his frustrations or dislikes. It was his ardent wish to make others happy and ease their worries. He never thought himself worth the trouble for anyone to worry about him. Not his estranged parent, not his oldest friends, not his newest friends, not even the Master who told him he wasn't worth the trouble. He learned through subtle neglect and outright commands to put everyone else first.

But as he heard Ibuki Maya, someone else who strove hard to ease others, had fallen, something snapped. Specifically, it was another layer of NERV's outer wall as Matariel attacked it again.

But on a purely philosophical level, Shinji's coerced lifelong persona of self-sacrifice shattered. Well, maybe not completely. Or at all. But it was replaced with something he never experienced before, something he never wanted to experience: hate. His vision flared red, his blood roared in his ears, his body shook as his wrath begged to be released and take vengeance. The fury was overpowering, even surpassing Misato in an AA meeting.

Shinji never accepted the doctrine of an eye for an eye, and even in the throes of rage he couldn't. Because he was going to take a hell of a lot more than an eye.

"I am going to burst you open," he told Matariel.

The Harbinger stopped, frozen by the inconceivable horror the voice promised. The MazinEva! rose without hurry, like a sadistic predator leisurely eyeing up a crippled yet trusting prey. Think Asuka and Hikari. Or Asuka and Toji. Or Asuka and anyone.

Matariel emptied its bladder. Which was actually its acid tank. But you get the idea. Slowly, it removed its legs from the base, trying to quietly creep away. Which was pretty difficult, given that it was a giant spider robot thing.

"_Say, uh, how about I just, you know, leave and never come back?"_ it asked. _"Then you won't have to, you know, completely gut me alive?"_

Yeah, that'll happen.

I'll spare you the details of the brutality that followed. Actually, it's not so much sparing you as it is sparing me. I'm tired and want this to end. So, as you correctly predicted from the opening scene, this chapter's Harbinger died. More gruesomely than usual, but the end result is the same. Let's do some quick reaction shots from the battle than call it a day; Fuyutsuki was curled up in the fetal position on the floor; Gendo was frightened out of his chapter-long drug trip until he quickly dry-swallowed a couple crack rocks and went on another drug trip; Ritsuko went looking for some toddlers to choke; Hyuga threw up all over his console; Aoba seriously considered hiring Shinji as a "collection agent" for his ever-growing drug empire. Oh, and Maya was dead or something.

Or was she?

* * *

Obviously she wasn't.

* * *

Ibuki Maya blinked, coming out of her slumber. Or coma. Whichever. What a shocker. She was too groggy to fret even as she found herself in an unfamiliar room, and in an unfamiliar bed. She squinted against the harsh light and white walls, as well as the throbbing pain in her head. She tried to sit up, and was gently pushed back down.

"Don't strain yourself, Ibuki-san, please."

"Sh… Shinji-kun?"

The boy was in a folding chair beside her bed, his face strained with concern and guilt. He looked fairly constipated.

"What… what happened?" she said, sounding a little drunk. She rubbed her eyelids then abruptly snapped to attention. "Oh no! The Harbinger!"

"Don't worry," he soothed. "It's dead. It's definitely dead. You had a terrible fall during the attack. It… it was my fault. If I had been quicker, if I hadn't hesitated, if I was a better pilot…!"

"What are you talking about?" Maya asked, gaining lucidity. "I wasn't hurt in the attack."

"What?"

"As soon as I reached the control room I slipped on a puddle of coffee Dr. Akagi spilled yesterday. I forgot it was there, and that we have a terrible janitorial service. I knocked myself unconscious." She blushed. "I feel a little silly. But excuse me. What were you saying?"

"Oh. Oh, nothing. Nothing at all." Shinji casually stood and closed the window drapes, hoping Maya hadn't seen the remains of the Harbinger strewn across the city. Or how its own legs had been used to repeatedly skewer it. Or how its internal piping was used to hang itself. Or how several antennae relays had been introduced to its body cavities. Which raises the question: can robots feel pain? Since I'm currently tired and pissy, yes, they can. In fact, their tactile sensations are several times more sensitive than humans.

"Wait," Maya said with dawning comprehension, thereby proving Shinji's utter ineptitude for any kind of deception, even white lies. "You thought I was hurt because of you?"

"… yeah," he admitted. "I was so angry. And scared. And sad. Also, several other emotions. I feel like I just met you, Ibuki-san."

"Shinji-kun…"

"And Dr. Akagi told me she couldn't find your pulse—"

"Dr. Akagi doesn't know _how_ to find a pulse."

"Oh." Shinji nervously coughed, the stupidity of the entire situation washing over him like the baths Misato insisted she give him when he was exhausted from a battle or if it was a weeknight. "Well, I'm glad you're okay, Ibuki-san. Real glad."

She watched his lips curved up into a soft, sincere smile she had no experience with outside shoujo manga, and here I'm talking about the kind with gauzy lighting and sparkles and weird colored backgrounds and maybe even one of those tooth twinkle effects, and Maya began to realize why so many women seemed to worship the ground he walked on and the chairs he sat in. He was a gentle, thoughtful, kind human being. He was willing to fight for everyone's benefit, despite any fears or misgivings he might hold. He sought only to help others and make them happy. And he was super cute.

Maya only regretted the fact he wasn't a woman.

* * *

Round 6! Over!

Author notes: no, Maya isn't going to be joining the Shinji fan club. At least not romantically. I promised myself this wouldn't become a harem fic, and by God, I mean to stay true to that until I'm not. And for those of you insane enough to by applying continuity and logic to this, Shinji couldn't sense her because she's gay. Allegedly.

The women's track team. A nod to Zentrodie's excellent (but banned on FFN) MSTs. They're actually how I discovered fanfiction in the first place. So now you know who to blame.

Hikari and video games. Well, she did have a system in her room, and that huge TV.

Next Round! will be delayed like always. I'm fooling around with an idea for a chapter without a Harbinger, which would introduce us to a certain spy… no, not that one. Or _that_ one. Yeah, that one.


End file.
